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ISSUE #107
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Features

ArrowGreat Gaffes Through the Ages
A comprehensive list

ArrowWhy ask Why?
Five years after 9/11, the question remains unanswered
Matt Taibbi

ArrowExtreme History Makeover
Lynne Cheney and the rules of history
Christopher Famighetti

ArrowYour Tax Dollars at Work
In Washington, another tale of waste and fraud unpunished
Matt Taibbi

ArrowBaby Suri Hates You, Wants You Dead
Scott Brochert and Josh Righter

Local BEAST
ArrowCON
Tom Reynolds, WNY’s human colostomy bag
Allan Uthman
Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Obscure Racial Epithet

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Hollywoodland, The Black Dahlia, The Covenant, The Last Kiss, Gridiron Gang, The Protector

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Gentleman Be Trippin', Hot Girl on Girl Misogyny, Our Illiterate Correspondent and more

Beast-O-Scopes

 


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

VirgoVirgo, when reading your “Making Babies” Craigslist post I realized that you were a true altruist. Few men in this modern world would put forth the following words; “looking for kids without the relationship? want to be a mom? all races/ages (18+)ok. I'm a non smoking SWM 26 y.o, dd free, brown hair blue eyes.” Your offer to help women have babies without any pesky paternal entanglements is so noble that you should be profiled in Time Magazine. You Virgo are a cut above the rest and if I ever have the opportunity to shake your hand I will probably use it to blow off your genitals with a shotgun.


Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

LibraLibra, your Craigslist post is something special; “Submissive white male is seeking a female who wishes to engage in forced cock milkings. You may tie me up, blindfold me, and perform repeated forced milkings. Serious inquiries only.” You sir, are a hero. Willing to throw yourself on the hand grenade that is all those forced hand-job and blowjobs the rest of us have had live in secret shame with. My hat is off to you Libra, may your first child be a masculine child.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

ScorpioScorpio, I am so glad to see that Liberal Arts degree you are about to get is really paying off. Your Craigslist post shows a true mastery of the English language; “College Senior who just got off a relationship. I want to get a bj tonight to feel alright. Nice respectful youth. I am not a perv or nothing like that, clean as a whistle too. Got tested Im am awesome and I am looking for an awesome bj tonight + im not a scuzzy scum bag, if you see me and dont want to give me one, power to you. I am a chill dude too, so I wont just get a blowjob and leave you. We can be friends too :)” Shakespeare could learn a thing or two from you Scorpio. His sonnets showed us the soul but your words show us that even a brainless retard can get a college degree.


Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

SagittariusSagittarius, when I saw your Craigslist post and read the following words: “i am lookin for someone who doenst mind cumin on a girls face. im in a relationship with a guy who is totally against it thinks its degrading or something. anyway, this has to be discreet.. so ic ant host. totally nsa i love sex.. but i swear if you dont cum on my face we can never see eachother again.” I could only think about the kind of heartless bastard you have been dating you poor thing. If you would like to get together and talk about it over a platter of oysters I am there for you and your soon to be obscured face.


Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

CapricornCapricorn, you my friend do not mince words in your Craigslist post; “need no strings attached head now no recip just get in yopu suck, i explode you get out and i leave. if your a female i may fondle.” Not only are you direct and to the point, Capricorn, but you don’t burden yourself with silly things like grammar, punctuation or spelling. You don’t even care if you get together with a male or female. Is seems that being stupid and blissfully happy about it is your thing so I’ll leave you alone but I am taking away the box of matches.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

AquariusAquarius, you have yourself listed as an “insanely hot shemale” on Craigslist and include a series of photos that when linked to your description makes it debatable. I think you and Leo have a lot to talk about. He is a big straight macho man.


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

PiscesPisces, you are selling a motorcycle on Craigslist and not at all requesting that objects be jammed up your ass. It’s a cool-looking bike and the price isn’t bad so I might be dropping you a line. Good for you, Pisces.

 


Aries (March 21-April 19)

AiresAries, you sir are on Craigslist only looking for a birthday present; “Turning 22 on Sunday, and I haven't had a decent BJ in months. I'd love to have one for my birthday, if someone would like to give me one. ;-)” Have you mentioned it to your Mom, Aries? If memory serves she gives some of the best birthday presents ever. Don't worry; I'll tell her.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus

Taurus, you are every woman’s Craigslist dream; “hello, i am seeking a horny young lady , that would be interested in having a handsome experienced man, meet you at a place of your choice, for one hot and sensual quickie, little talking just feel and fuck, must be willing to take me bare skinned!!!” You are so awesome Taurus, you’re like the Errol Flynn of V.D., I can’t think of a single women could resist catching herpes from you.

 


Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

GeminiGemini, you are on Craigslist just looking for a partner; “I am interested in frequenting swing clubs, but need a female friend to join me. If you are interested, please get back to me and we can take it from there.” I know it’s frustrating getting kicked out of all of those swing clubs because you don’t have anyone to share with the group but you might just try getting laid in general first before jumping into the swinging thing. A shower might help too.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer

Cancer, did you really think posting an ad in the Craigslist personals looking for a woman to meet you in the produce section at Wegmans on a specific day and time, find you via your “blue baseball cap” and blow you in your car out in the parking lot was really going to pan out? Hell what lucky woman wouldn’t be enticed by your romantic “you supply the mouth and I’ll supply the front seat” line? That unflattering photo of your unimpressive penis you included in the ad, though inspired, probably worked against you as well. My advice to you Cancer is to stay home, watch porn and masturbate. You’ll save a lot of money on gas and won’t get stuck eating all those yams.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

LeoLeo, your Craigslist post was a real gem; “Str8 guy real curious to experiment with and have a first time encounter with a tgirl/ts.” You see what funny here is that a straight guy only has sex with women and a tranny is a man who is physically turning himself into a “woman” and a transvestite is a man dresses up as a woman. You know, the people you and your frat buddies often refer to as “faggots” while you’re busy sticking broomsticks up each others asses during rush. Be who you are Leo, but at this point I think it is safe to rule out straight as a description.

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