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ISSUE #107
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Features

ArrowGreat Gaffes Through the Ages
A comprehensive list

ArrowWhy ask Why?
Five years after 9/11, the question remains unanswered
Matt Taibbi

ArrowExtreme History Makeover
Lynne Cheney and the rules of history
Christopher Famighetti

ArrowYour Tax Dollars at Work
In Washington, another tale of waste and fraud unpunished
Matt Taibbi

ArrowBaby Suri Hates You, Wants You Dead
Scott Brochert and Josh Righter

Local BEAST
ArrowCON
Tom Reynolds, WNY’s human colostomy bag
Allan Uthman
Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Obscure Racial Epithet

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Hollywoodland, The Black Dahlia, The Covenant, The Last Kiss, Gridiron Gang, The Protector

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Gentleman Be Trippin', Hot Girl on Girl Misogyny, Our Illiterate Correspondent and more

Kino Korner

 


Hollywoodland | The Black Dahlia | The Covenant
The Last Kiss
| Gridiron Gang | The Protector


Gridiron Gang

Gridiron GangI came to the conclusion when I saw one of the earlier 810 variations of this storyline that I will never get this movie, or rather this type of movie. I understand what’s happening and I am aware of why I should be standing up in the theater and cheering (maybe even getting misty) but I just don’t care.

I’m guessing that it’s because I don’t like sports. Especially football. The average football game lasts about 3 hours and there’s maybe 45 minutes of actual game play going on [it’s an hour, mama’s boy –Ed.]. It’s like watching the movie Titanic all the way through when all you want to see is the goddamn ship sink. And the people fall from the top only to hit the propeller or the water. And baseball’s worse. Bring a book. Soccer, golf, tennis and fooseball are all like sitting in the waiting room for The View to me. There’re worse fates, but can’t I just will myself into a coma instead? But I will admit that hockey is the most entertaining sport. Mostly constant action and the occasional fight are what it’s all about for me. Besides, in what other game is there the possibility of seeing someone’s throat slit?

So naturally when I have to see a sports movie I roll my eyes and wonder if I can strike up a deal to pay my taxes instead. But this one is different! Gridiron Gang is about kids in juvie playing football. So in addition to it being the typical underdog story, it’s a prison sports movie and a troubled teen sports movie. Yay!

The closest thing to a draw is The Rock, who continues his transformation from wall poster in a socially awkward 12 year-old’s room to a latter day Tor Johnson of questionable heritage. If you want to tack one more rapper-turned-actor to your list it may interest you to know that Xzibit is also in it. But if you’re a person who isn’t insane then you won’t care like the rest of us.

Yeah, yeah. Gridiron Gang had a positive message buried under all the sentiment and thug crap, but the whole time I felt like I was watching The Bad News Bears Go To Riker’s Island. Even though Gridiron Gang boasts that it’s based on a true story it doesn’t seem to want to take the road of realism. There’s no mention that The Rock’s character of probation officer/coach is a coke mule for the gay block of the facility. All I can really say is if you’re into hip hop and if you spend every Sunday for the last 3rd of the year camped out on your couch as you fill your face and empty beer bottles while shrieking obscenities at the TV, you’re probably going to love this movie.

 

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