Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
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Features

ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

Beast-O-Scopes

Greetings, truth-seekers. This issue's astral divinations have come to me in the form of 12 jokes about the demise of habeas corpus. May they serve you well.


Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Libra

Favorite joke among prisoners, 2014 -- "So, what are you in for?"

 

 


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio

Prisoner: "I demand to know what I'm being charged with!"
Judge: "Where do you think you are, China?"

 


Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sagittarius

Prisoner: "I'm in serious pain!"
Interrogator: "Thank your congressman!"

 

 


Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn

Policeman: "Sir, you're not being charged."
Suspect: "Great! Thank you. I'll be on my way then."
Policeman: "You're not going anywhere. Now take your pants off."

 


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

AquariusReporter: "I don't get it. We're attacked by a lunatic terrorist group, and then you don't find them. Everyone knows they're in Pakistan, but for some reason you still haven't bothered to get them. Instead, you're devoting the nation's military resources to an entirely unrelated colonial scheme in a different country. And we're supposed to believe your record on national security is something to brag about?"
President: "Enemy combatant. Take him away."


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces

Q: How can you tell the difference between America and a country that respects human rights?
A: You're under arrest.

 


Aries (March 21-April 19)

AiresNew Miranda warning:
You have the right to disappear without a trace. You have the right to scream bloody murder while we break your ribs. Any sharp objects we have may be held against you in a windowless cinderblock room. If you cannot provide evidence against yourself, some will be fabricated for you. Do you understand these rights? No? Too bad.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

TaurusA conversation from 2009:
Wife: "Isn't it amazing that Molly Ivins, Jon Stewart, Michael Moore and Cindy Sheehan all turned out to be enemy combatants?"
Husband: "Nah, I knew it all along."
Teenager: "Dad, you're just swallowing the propaganda."
Police: "You're under arrest."
Husband: "It's about damn time."


Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

GeminiJohn McCain, being tortured by Homeland Security agents: "I can't believe this is happening to me again!"
Agent: "You shouldn't have challenged Bush's emergency third term."

 


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer
Q: How many CIA interrogators does it take to screw a lightbulb into your anus?
A: One, with legal immunity.

 


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo
A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar. The Muslim is beaten to death. No one is prosecuted.

 


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo
Q: What kind of president takes over the country and arrests his opposition on trumped up charges?
A: This one!

 

 

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