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ISSUE #108
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ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi


ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.


ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

Caring is Hard Work!

Our door-to-door campaign to save Tom Reynolds yielded results, but was not without adversity. Here is a selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Josh: Hi ma’am.
Woman: Hi.
Josh: My name’s Josh, this is Ian.
Woman: Hi.
Ian: Hi.
Josh: We’re with Relief for Reynolds. We’re working on a canned food drive to, um, help feed Tom Reynolds, the congressman running for reelection.
Ian: He’s not as fortunate as Millionaire Jack Davis…
Josh: He’s a millionaire! He has a million dollars, at least.
Ian: We’re looking for non-perishable donations so the congressman can have a hot meal.
Josh: It’s tough for him during the campaign season. He’s not a millionaire.
Woman: My cousin just threw a big birthday party for him and I sent a big donation, so…
Josh: Really? Well this is another form of…
Ian: Another way of showing care.
Josh: About all his needs, not just financial.
Woman: Are you for Reynolds?
Josh: Well it’s Relief for Reynolds, so yeah.
Woman: So you’re giving him canned goods?
Josh: Right.
Woman: No, I gave him enough for his birthday. He’ll understand. Thanks.

* * * * *

Ian: Hi, how are you doing? Are your parents home?
Older child: Uh, yeah, just a minute.
Younger child: What’re you here for?
Ian: We’re collecting non-perishable foods for Congressman Tom Reynolds.
[Man approaches doorway.]
Ian: Hi, my name’s Ian, this is Josh. We’re from Relief for Reynolds. We’re in the neighborhood trying to collect non-perishable goods for the congressman.
Man: For Reynolds?
Ian: Yeah, so he can have a hot meal to eat in this tough reelection cycle.
Man: [chuckles]
Josh: We’re not all millionaires like millionaire Jack Davis.
Ian: He’s a millionaire.
Josh: Millionaire.
Man: No –
Ian: Millionaire.
Man: - I want nothing to do with it
Josh: Millionaire.
Ian: You want him to starve?
[Man starts to close the door; young girl comes back out.]
Younger child: Hiiiii! I ate seven Care Bears!
Josh: That’s a lot.
Ian: A lot of care.
[Man closes door.]

* * * * *

Man: Hi.
Ian: Oh excuse me, sir. My name’s Ian, this is Josh. We’re from the Relief for Reynolds Foundation. We’re canvassing the neighborhood, collecting non-perishable goods for Congressman Tom Reynolds.
Man: OK.
Josh: He’s not a millionaire.
Man: Right.
Josh: Like millionaire Jack Davis, he’s a millionaire.
Man: Gotcha.
Josh: Millionaire.
Man: Uh huh.
Josh: We just wanted to make sure the congressman has a –
Man: Something to eat.
Josh: - a warm meal for his congressional campaign.
Ian: Anything you could give would be appreciated.
Man: OK. How come you don’t smile when you make that joke?
[A long, uncomfortable pause ensues.]
Josh: We’ve been practicing…
Man: [chuckling] Are you trying to be funny or...
Ian: I don’t know; we’re kind of just throwing it out there and seeing how people take it.
Josh: He’s a millionaire, Jack Davis. He has a million dollars. He can buy all the canned peas he wants.
Ian: Do you have anything to donate to the congressman?
Man: Well… Hey what’s on that clipboard? Let me see that clipboard. What are you doing with these goods?
Ian: We’re gonna take it to his office.
Man: Uh huh.
Ian: So he has enough to eat.
Man: Uh huh. Is that a petition?
Josh: Oh no, I was just taking notes so we didn’t end up going to the same house twice. A lot of people aren’t home right now, so if we double back later…
Man: I’m a little confused about your shtick.
Ian: Do you have any food to donate to the congressman?
Man: Well that’s a second question, but the first question is what’re you really doing here? Run this by me again…
Ian: We’re collecting food.
Josh: We’re trying to feed Tom Reynolds. He’s not a millionaire. He’s not as well off as millionaire Jack Davis, the millionaire.
Man: What’re you gonna do with this stuff.
Ian: We’re gonna deliver it to his office in Clarence.
Man: And tell him what?
Josh: That we’re providing him with this [indicating a crate of canned goods Ian is carrying], because we figure he might be having a hard time financially.
Man: He might not be able to hack it.
Ian: We’ve got some spinach. Spinach is popular.
Man: And how do I know you guys aren’t just going to take this stuff home and eat it? I’ll just have to trust you?
Josh: Guess so.
Man: Or maybe you’re just going to give it to poor people, God forbid.
Ian: Well, it’ll go to people who need it. People who aren’t millionaires.
Man: Yeah well, Tom Reynolds… his salary is probably more than your’s and mine and his put together. How much do you earn a year, what’s your salary?
Ian: $300K.
Man: $300K? What do you do?
Ian: I’m a financier. [Note: upon further review, Murphy reports he is actually a penniless bohemian.]
Man: And you?
Josh: $100,000, I’m a union delegate.
Man: Uh huh. You guys are out there, man. [chuckle]
Ian: If you could just, uh, donate whatever you could spare…
Josh: It doesn’t have to be anything special.
Man: And this’ll go to Tom Reynolds?
Josh: Yeah.
Ian: We’re going to put them in a basket with flowers and ribbons, to show we care, and whatever you could give would be appreciated.
Man: I think this is an art project, personally, but I still like it. You’ve managed to keep up the front. I’d like to give money to you guys’ art project or give canned goods. But you don’t accept money? Just canned goods?
Ian: No, canned goods.
Man: I’ve got some in here, hold on [laughs]. [To wife]: Do we have any canned goods to feed Tom Reynolds?
Woman: Who’s Tom Reynolds?
Man: Tom Reynolds is… he’s a poor cat. Do we have any canned goods? I don’t wanna get into it, just, do we have any canned goods?
Woman: What?
Man: To give to these guys for a good cause. Hang on, we might have some down here for an emergency, like when Niagara Falls starts, uh, flowing the other way or whatever.
Josh: We’ll still need well-fed political representation during those times. 
Man: All right, I’m givin’ you our Katrina food, man. If it goes down here, our whole family might go under when the holocaust hits.
Josh: Leaders like Tom Reynolds will help us get through it.
Man: Yeah…I still don’t understand but…
Ian: We appreciate it.
Josh: God bless you.

* * * *

Josh: Hi, sir, my name’s Josh, this is Ian.
Man: Yeah.
Josh: We’re with the Relief for Reynolds Foundation.
Man: The what?
Josh: Relief for Reynolds.
Man: What’s that?
Josh: We’re doing a canned-food drive here in the neighborhood. We’re trying to make sure Tom Reynolds doesn’t go hungry this re-election season. He’s not a millionaire like millionaire Jack Davis.
Ian: The millionaire.
Man: [Disapproving grunt]
Josh: He has millions of dollars.
Man: No, forget it, OK? Forget us. Thanks.


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