Get on Board

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AU: Uh… That’s the paper I work for.

HSO: That’s right, “The Beast.” It’s really something, boy. How ‘bout that cover story, huh? “The 51 Funniest Things about 9/11.” Boy, that’s a real hoot!

AU: Are you serious? I’m going to jail because of a bad joke? I didn’t even write that thing!

HSO: That’s right, it was this Murphy guy. Don’t worry, he’ll get his. But you’re the editor, right? You decide what goes in and what doesn’t.

AU: Well, sort of. I can’t control Ian anymore. He’s gone rogue on me.

HSO: Oh, so you’re totally innocent, huh?

AU: Yeah, exactly! That’s what I’m saying!

HSO: Hmm. Well. Isn’t this your name right here?

AU: Where?

HSO: Right here on this article you wrote in 2004. “O Buffalo?” You know, the one where you advocate seceding from the United States.

AU: Oh. Yeah. Well, that was right after Bush got reelected, and I was just expressing my frustration—it’s sort of a comic overreaction thing—

HSO: “I propose that Buffalo simply secede from this dysfunctional union of states and join Canada.” Yeah, that’s real funny.

AU: Well… it’s obviously not serious.

HSO: That’s for a military tribunal to decide, son.

AU: But this is just writing! You can’t call me an enemy combatant for that!

HSO: Read the law, son. An unlawful enemy combatant is “an individual engaged in hostilities against the United States.”

AU: Well, how to they define “hostilities?”

HSO: They don’t. But I have to say, I’ve been reading these here papers, and I am definitely picking up a hostile tone.

AU: Still, it’s not “hostilities,” it’s just satire. What about freedom of speech?

HSO: Yeah. That was repealed last week.

AU: What? Repealed?

HSO: Yeah. That’s done. Retroactive, too.

AU: I didn’t hear anything about that.

HSO: Well, that’s because they passed a bill the week before that says all new legislation can be done secretly.

AU: Are you serious?

HSO: Yeah, it was called “The Holy Shit Terrorists Are Coming to Kill Us All Act” or something.

AU: Well—I never heard about that either.

HSO: Yeah, it was secret.

AU: Damn. I knew I should have moved to Canada.

HSO: Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Anyway, we’re almost there. Just so you know, I’m gonna tell my boss you told me about plans to detonate a briefcase nuke in Washington.

AU: What? Why?

HSO: Well, it’s nothing personal. It just every time I make some shit up like that, I seem to get promoted.

AU: But I’m just going to tell them it’s a lie.

HSO: Yeah, at first, but believe me; they’ll get it out of you eventually. Anyway, nice talking to you. Could you put on this hood for me?

AU: [Staring at floor]You know, my dad was Iraqi.

HSO: Of course I know. Why do you think you’re here?

AU: He always said America was the greatest country in the world.

HSO: That’s nice. Now get in the hood.