Jackass Number Two | The Guardian | Flyboys
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Flyboys

Every day I talk to people who like to use ten words to say what can easily be said in four or five [you should talk. –Ed.]. For instance, the words “based on or inspired by a true story”could be condensed to one word: “bullshit.”

Flyboys is supposed to be the story of down on their luck Americans during World War I who went to France to help fight German fighter pilots. After about 20 minutes of sorry character development and lackluster acting, I realized, aside from being a good excuse to show off some moderately impressive special effects, the movie was just an excuse to see what would happen if the story of the World War I Flying Ace from the Peanuts comics were retold on stupid pills and horse tranquilizers.

Flyboys isn’t a movie about war or desperation, it’s about stupidity. Seriously, who would stand on top of a zeppelin? I know the story takes place almost 70 years ago, but those things blow up if you look at them the wrong way. I gave a zeppelin a dirty look once and it burst into flames immediately. True story. Much like Pearl Harbor, another war movie gone horribly wrong, the only good thing about Flyboys is the dogfights. But unlike the aforementioned Michael Bay war crime, Woodstock makes a cameo with words of encouragement for star James Franco during a low point in the movie.

Often, while I’m in the middle of a tirade about a bad movie, I’m asked what I would’ve changed about it. With Flyboys, I would’ve had Franco get shot down and sneak through the French countryside to safety. After a few close calls he would come at night upon a lit chateau and when he knocks on the door, Linda Cardellini would invite him in for the Halloween party where the rest of the “Freaks and Geeks” cast are in attendance. They’d go through the oh you look so tired why don’t you sit down and have a glass of cider thing. After that, they’d all line up like the scene with the hysterical woman in Airplane! and take turns smacking him and calling him Desario. Then the Great Pumpkin would show up and tell him that no one will remember this when Spider-Man 3 comes out next summer.