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The Guardian

Do you remember the ad campaign for…I want to say Head and Shoulders? It went something along the lines of you only get one chance to make a first impression? It didn’t make me want to use the product, but it taught me a lesson about life in my formative years. Looking back, many years later, I think it’s safe to say that I never really applied that lesson to my life.

I’m pretty sure Ashton Kutcher didn’t either, and at his age he can’t say he never saw the commercial. Kutcher broke onto the scene with “That ‘70s Show” if you remember. He played the loud, moronic prettyboy dipshit who managed to keep people tuning in enough to keep the show afloat for several seasons. God knows it wasn’t Fez, the afroed scientologist or the redhead gargantuan broadzilla who were keeping people in front of the TV.

Then the extra chromosomes at MTV decided to show even fewer music videos and apparently fill Kutcher with Genny Cream Ale and cheap speed before unleashing him and a camera crew on Today’s Hottest Celebrities to remake episodes of Candid Camera with breast implants and Rodeo Drive delusion. The only fun there was that it eventually ended and you got to see most of the celebrities for the nincompoops they truly are. Admittedly, it wasn’t all bad, but that multi-camera crap with Kutcher talking about the set up wearing crooked, overpriced trucker hats and acting like a total spaz was too much. Okay, it was allbad, except for making Justin Timberlake cry.

Eventually Kutcher married a mummy, inherited her ex-husband and kids and decided to make so-called real movies. But Kutcher never outran his Kelso persona, because he’s either acting in that horrible manner or you’re waiting for him to, thus prohibiting you from actually paying attention to his performance or lack thereof. You keep waiting for him to yell “burn”or start talking about how hot he is.

Which brings us to The Guardian. If you haven’t seen the forgettable trailer, it’s the story of the lives of Coast Guard—

Okay. Did you see Ladder 49? Joaquin Phoenix, John Travolta, firefighters? It’s the same goddamned thing, except with Coast Guard swimmers instead of firefighters. Best of the Best, friendly and not so friendly rivalries, piss and vinegar-filled rookies out to prove themselves, the girl who waits at home worrying, noxious ending and blackout-inducing filler. At least Ladder 49 had Phoenix, who had something resembling chemistry with Travolta. Kutcher and Kevin Costner, who plays the legendary instructor, have the configuration and charisma of a pair of blind nerkies riding the bumper cars on the dark side of the moon.

If all you care about are some good special effects, decent stunts and a few brewskis with your boys at a sports bar across the parking lot afterward, you’re going to love it. Shit, you’re going to love it more than Crank, Torque and all the Fast and the Furious movies combined. You might even like it if you just want to see Kutcher’s disturbingly feminine face. However, if you don’t fall into one of these categories, you may want to make sure you’re wearing an adult diaper. The ending is that noxious. Niagara Falls port-a-potty noxious.