Beast Banner October 5 - 19, 2006
ISSUE #108
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Features

ArrowWelcome to the Monkey House
On Safari at “The Chapel” in Getzville

Ian Murphy

ArrowI, Left Gatekeeper
Why the "9/11 Truth" movement makes the "Left Behind" sci-fi series read like Shakespeare
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGet on Board
A farewell to Habeas Corpus in one act.

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Madness of King Us
Think we're turning a corner? Think again

Donnie Dobovitch

ArrowSexual Predators
What can you do?

ArrowHow the Media Lies About China
"Try harder," American worker – and Thomas Friedman thinks everything will be fine
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowPig Roast
Tom Reynolds is done. Let’s all stick forks in him.
Allan Uthman

ArrowBEAST Staff Aids Non-Millionaire
“Relief for Reynolds” Campaign a Modest Success
Josh Bunting

ArrowCaring is Hard Work!
A selection of transcripts from our neighborhood canvass in the 26th district.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Incredibly Full of Shit Asshole

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Jackass Number Two, The Guardian, Flyboys, All the King's Men, School for Scoundrels, Fearless

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Partisan Bickering, A Bold Challenge, Crocodile Punter, Reynolds R.I.P. and more

Sexual Predators

The much-publicized trend in school shootings, MSNBC sexual predator sting operations and now Mark Foley’s congressional cradle robbing, have left many parents wondering if their children are safe from deviants. Follow these easy tips to keep your family out of harms way!

1) If you are thinking of having children - don’t. Where there are children, pedophiles and crazed riflemen are sure to follow. Especially do not have children if you yourself are a known pedophile or crazed rifleman.

2) If you do have children, never send them to school. This will both protect them, and help create a new generation of cheap American labor to replace the waning migrant work force brought about by draconian immigration policies.

3) In public, dress your children in fake beards and professional clothing. It my also be a good idea to refer to them as “grandpa,” or “uncle Smitty.”

4) Never let your children talk to strangers on the internet, join the boy scouts, come in contact with entertainers who’ve had extensive plastic surgery, go to daycare, sing in a church choir, sit on Santa’s lap, leave the house, visit your extended family, read Nabokov, enter a beauty pageant or get a job as a congressional page.

5) Never name your child Amber.

6) Enlist your child in the military. It is best to fight pedophiles over there, so we do not have to fight them here.

7) Keep your children in a small box. Do not look inside the box because the act of observation may effect whether the child is alive.

8) Preemptively molest adults you suspect to be pederasts.

9) Never let your child go to Kazakhstan unattended.

10) Kill your child. The safest child is a dead one!

 

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