Are You Radioactive Football?
Why “dirty bomb hoax” is redundant
Hank Williams Jr.

Milwaukee has become a land that hates freedom, and by logical extension: professional football. A land where 20-year-old punks play it fast and loose with the first amendment, terrorizing our most cherished institution, and our God-given right to third-and-long passes up the middle.

But this “dirty bomb hoax,” carried out by a grocery boy involved in an online “writing duel,” is not the “internet version of yelling fire in a crowded theater’” that U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie would have you believe; it’s more like yelling “dragon” or “radioactive Sasquatch.”

Although there is no record of a “dirty bomb” ever being detonated by a terrorist, Radiological Dispersal Devices have proven to be ineffective killers. That’s probably why the U.S. Military doesn’t use them. It would be a kick-ass weapon: people molting, rapid onset cancer and absolute demoralization of the enemy. It would be far superior to the depleted uranium we currently use in combat. You can bet the guys at the US Department of Energy were bummed when they test-exploded a dirty bomb, got out their Geiger counters and found radiation exposure was negligible. But for some darn reason they still went ahead and said the exposure would be “fairly high.” The DOE did this by fudging the numbers to reflect a scenario where the blast site was never decontaminated, and the people in the radiated areas didn’t move for a full year. In the case of the recent NFL stadium “threat,” one would think even the lumbering Detroit Lions athletic enough to make it out in time.

Aside from the explosion proper, the worst impact of a dirty detonation would come in the form of  general terror and the inevitable clean-up costs. Any real harm would stem from media-cultivated ignorance and panic: Detroit Lions’ offensive line tramples helpless fans. So why not prepare the public for such an event by telling us the not-so-scary truth? Because the myth of the world-changing, catastrophic dirty bomb attack is one of the most useful tools the administration has to keep us believing we are in constant peril.

If there were genuine interest in fighting terror, White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett wouldn’t be pimping this shit in an “AOL Live Newsroom chat,” available at the Department of Homeland Security website:

“A dirty bomb is a label given to a type of bomb that detonates similar to a traditional explosion, but then also produces radiation to a much wider population. Let me reiterate that we have no evidence at this time that al-Qaeda has obtained this type of bomb, yet we know they are seeking it.”

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