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ISSUE #109
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Features

ArrowPayback Time
If Republicans lose Congress, don't assume things will change
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAre You Radioactive Football?
Why “dirty bomb hoax” is redundant
Hank Williams Jr.

ArrowMurrah Redux
9/11 Truth is a bald regurgitation of a silly tale we heard ten years ago
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowTom & Sally Take a Trip
Foley Shmoley! Reynolds has scandal all his own.
Allan Uthman

ArrowRepresentative Royale!

ArrowBeast Calling
We call Eliot Spitzer's campaign to see just what "on the first day everything changes" means.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Inoperable Sump Pump

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Prestige, The Departed, Employee of the Month, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Chuckleside, Konspiracy Kops, Happy Clam Sends Mindless Bias, Kid Power and more

Beast Calling

continued - page 2

B: And while that voiceover was going on, there was a shot of the Canadian Falls. I was wondering if that had to do with something that was changing, if we were going to, I don’t know, amass National Guard troops in order to seize the Canadian Falls. Will it become a part of NY State? Is that going to be a Day One Change?
S: Um, I do know, they wanted to make some changes with our side so that our side is more economically feasible the way the Canadians have done it. To the best of my knowledge, um, they kinda feel like the development on our side has been sub-par.
B: Uh huh. So we’re going to take the Canadian one? That’d be a good idea.
S: No, we’re not taking – we have no authority over –
B: Oh… So that’s not going to change.
S: Yeah, as far as the stated borders right now, I wish that we could say that we’ll take the Canadian Falls, but in all actuality that would be a federal issue.
B: What about states then? Erie, PA has really been asking for it!
S: [ignoring question] Well, as far as the states go, the only thing we can really do is on our side. We can make it as economically feasible as Canada did. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the Canadian side, but they actually use their waterfalls positively to bring in business and so on and so forth. They have a lot of stuff on their waterfront that we just don’t have. And he’s going to cut some of the red tape at the border so that more businesses want to be here.
B: That’s interesting. Do you think Eliot Spitzer himself will change, besides his title? I mean, if everything’s changing, will he just be the catalyst which all change revolves around?
S: [pause] Um, well he’s changing his job dramatically, going from Attorney General –
B [impatiently] Right, I understand that. I meant sort of in his personal life.
S: You know what? I have no idea.
B: [agonized] Ahhh…
S: Sorry.
B: OK, well right now gravity helps hold everything down.
S: Mhmm.
B: But if everything’s changing, would things just start flying around, or uh…
S: [giggles]
B: Because on one hand, it’d be hard to organize stuff. But then we’d have all those flying cars we’ve been waiting for.
S: Flying cars?
B: Does the candidate have a position on gravity?
S: [laughs] I think he likes gravity the way it is. I don’t know if he wants to change that much stuff.
B: Oh, OK. Right now my parents are alive. Is – is – would, would he change that? [emotionally] Is he going to kill my parents?
S: [laughing]
B: Gosh, why would he do that?
S: He might, but I don’t think so.
B: Well, gee, you’ve been really informative, and I really thank you.
S: You’re very welcome.
B: You have a nice day now.
S: You too.
B: Thanks, bye.
[click]

 

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