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ISSUE #109
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Features

ArrowPayback Time
If Republicans lose Congress, don't assume things will change
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAre You Radioactive Football?
Why “dirty bomb hoax” is redundant
Hank Williams Jr.

ArrowMurrah Redux
9/11 Truth is a bald regurgitation of a silly tale we heard ten years ago
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowTom & Sally Take a Trip
Foley Shmoley! Reynolds has scandal all his own.
Allan Uthman

ArrowRepresentative Royale!

ArrowBeast Calling
We call Eliot Spitzer's campaign to see just what "on the first day everything changes" means.

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Inoperable Sump Pump

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Prestige, The Departed, Employee of the Month, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Chuckleside, Konspiracy Kops, Happy Clam Sends Mindless Bias, Kid Power and more

[sic] Header

REACHING

Matt Taibbi makes my head spin [“I, Left Gatekeeper,” issue 108]. While I can’t begin to imagine the slew of insults he received after the printing of his article, rather than retain anything resembling journalistic objectivity he immediately joins our nations favorite form of debate: poop flinging. Rather than considering the offered arguments, he forms his opinion and deconstructs the opposing argument as to why it doesn’t fit his opinion. Rather than retaining any moral high ground, he gets down in the mud with Sean Hannity for an old-fashioned game of “Yo mamma”.

But that’s his article, not mine.

I find the most disappointing thing about the 9/11 conspiracy/Official government story debate is that neither side has presented a workable story, but we end up polarized in the debate. Either you accept an official story that does not cover all the facts, or you accept conspiracies that fail in plausibility.

So as opposed to continuing along the nonsensical, I’m going to look at what I can prove and build from there.

1) Capability: Does the antagonist possess both the resources and moral apathy to execute the plan?

Terrorists have been highjacking planes for some period of time, they have attempted or succeeded in blowing up a variety of targets and have no issue with taking their own lives or the lives of others.

The U.S. government has the technical capability to fly drone aircraft, have blown things up on a worldwide basis and, as the current Iraq war shows, has no moral issue with sacrificing human lives to achieve its ends.

This one’s a wash.

2)Impact sites: Does the theory offered cover the raw impacts and immediate damage?

Highjacked planes could have caused the immediate damage to the Twin Towers and could have left the trench in Pennsylvania, the lack of wreckage not withstanding. However, any objective look at the Pentagon impact site would indicate a lack of damage consistent with a plane impact. There is no wing impact to the outside of the building, no tail impact and no wreckage.

Drone planes of the size indicated could be responsible for the damage at the Twin Towers, and the government possesses any number of devices and equipment that could leave a trench in the ground as shown in Pennsylvania. The government also possesses weapons that could have caused the impact and immediate damage found at the Pentagon.

Look’s like one point against the government.

3)Suspicious behavior: Have the parties involved engaged in any behavior that would lead to at least the perception of culpability or accessory?

There is an alleged video tape confession by Osama Bin Laden. There is an established track record of animosity towards western countries in general, and the U.S. in particular. This animosity has expressed itself in numerous terror attacks against a variety of U.S. targets worldwide.

The head of the U.S. government failed to provide any reaction for a protracted period of time after being informed of the initial tower impact and has made untrue statements regarding his knowledge of the events. He also condemned the theories that point blame to anyone else but the official culprits. The family of the main suspect was flown out of the country, without any interview or interrogation by U.S. police agencies, and at a time when flight was restricted.

(I will not comment on Able Danger as this could merely be coincidental.)

We’ll call this one a wash too.

4) Qui bono?: Who benefits?

There has been report and rumor that attacks within the U.S. were restricted or unacceptable to terrorist organizations as the U.S. is a main financial support site for these organizations. Since the 9/11 attacks these support avenues have been restricted or closed entirely due to increased scrutiny. They could have arguably struck a blow against their most hated enemy, but that blow had limited long term benefits. The Al-Qaeda organization has been fragmented by the U.S. response, a result whose inevitability could be questioned, however our track record of response to attack has been overwhelmingly the destruction of the attacker.

The benefits to the U.S. government and power structure are staggering. They received a mandate that allows war at will, increased financial benefits for any company remotely involved with any aspect of the war on terror, a free hand to roll back constitutional freedoms and Geneva conventions, maintenance of power regardless of mismanagement and, of course, plausible deniability.

Another point against the govenrment.

So, out of an admittedly small group of points, a score of 0-2 against the government. Does this validate the 9/11 conspiracies? No, of course not. But it does call into question the official story. And that is the point that we all seem to have missed. We are, in fact, being lied to, the investigation provided by the government led to no real answers and people continue to die. To my knowledge, Osama Bin Laden has not been indicted in any court for any crime, and in spite of our ability to find Saddam in a hole in the ground in the middle of the desert, we have no idea where Osama is. That in and of itself would be meaningless, there are lots of people we can’t find, but by the President’s own admission, we aren’t really looking for him because he’s been marginalized.

Matt Taibbi has at least one good point, none of this stuff makes any sense at all.

Christopher A. Globus

You’re not getting this, Chris. The question is not “could the government blow a trench in the ground in PA,” it’s “why the fuck would they bother?” It’s not “why did they cover their asses for the 9/11 commission;” it’s “why wouldn’t they, considering how embarrassingly incompetent they were?” There’s no reason that Bush wouldn’t try and convict Osama bin Laden just because he wasn’t guilty. Who’s being naïve?

And after all, if they were able to get thousands of people at all levels of government and law enforcement to cooperate in a genuine mass murdering, bomb-laying, missile-firing, people-disappearing conspiracy and remain silent all these years, why wouldn’t they, for instance, fake discovering WMD in Iraq? It’d be a hell of a lot easier to pull off.

It’s obvious that the Bush administration did benefit from 9/11, but sometimes, Chris, people just get lucky.

 

CHUCKLECIDE

To Matt Taibbi
Re "I, Left Gatekeeper"

I laughed so hard it was all to keep me from slitting my wrists.

Thank you, but even God can't help us.
Vernon L. Vanpoucke

Can’t, Vernon, or just won’t?

 

IF NOT 0, THEN 1

Does one really need to spell out what actually happened if they can show that the official claim of what happened cannot be accurate?

Lance Thruster

Yes Lance, one does.

 

STOP THE PRESSES

Hilarious article in the October 5-19th issue entitled "I, Left Getkeeper", by Matt Taibbi. Not only was it funny but Mr. Taibbi did a great job of plainly examining the claims by 9/11 conspiracy theorists, and their inability to hold under mild scrutiny. He is exactly right that the current political climate has led to a polarization of Americans. Each side now takes even the most outrageous assertions at face value.
Bob

Wait a minute, Bob—you’re saying Americans are polarized? And it has something to do with the current political climate? Wow, this is really insightful stuff! How did you become such an astute observer of emerging political trends, Bob? You must be a real hit at parties.

 

KONSPIRACY KOPS

I liked your 9/11 conspiracy piece.  A couple of points I'd like to make are: A. Bush isn't smart enough to plan anything like 9/11.  B. Cheney and Rumsfeld, evil bastards as they are, are loathed by the military brass who probably would strap Cheney and Rumsfeld's asses to a drone and fly them into Mt. Rushmore before they'd cooperate in something as dastardly as 9/11.  9/11 was the result of stupidity and incompetence which this administration excels at.  They were warned and weren't smart enough to do anything about it.  They're lying to try to cover their stupidity and ignorance.  How much worse can it be???

GM

Uh, let’s see… how much worse… well, if they vowed to catch the people responsible for the attack, but never did, despite knowing their general location, and also invaded another country, killing about 600,000 people and claiming to have only killed one 20th as many, and let a bunch of people die in New Orleans because they couldn’t be bothered saving them, that’d be about as much worse.

 

WE’RE ON AFTER “STUDIO B”

with all the questions on what happened that day (9-11) your labeling of people who have the goods on the demo of not only 1&2 but WTC 7 which is the most questionable, forces me to suggest that you should align yourself with FOX. They need they're own comedy central daily show to feed the bile to the muttons.

Rico

What, Rico, you think we wouldn’t take that gig?

 

FUTURE CELLMATE

I wish I could have laughed at Allan Uthman's satire on the end of Habeas Corpus, but I was to depressed.  I just got done teaching about the Constitution and the Bill of Rights to my class of high school juniors, and I ended the unit by telling them that most of what I taught them will be banned by the time their children are in high school.  In fact The Beast employees will all be in jail in the near future as will I for telling people what is really going on.  Not with a bang, but a whimper.  Keep the Faith.
Paul

We call top bunk, Paul.

 

THESE KIDS TODAY

I love your paper. Not only is it great journalism but you guys really are funny as all hell. Thank you all for putting this alternative to the crap we have to put up with out there. I've never written before but I read The Beast all the time and I'd love to get put in the letters section (I guess I'd have a better chance to get there if I called you commie bastards who are ruining america). I just want to show my support because there are a lot of assholes out there who think you guys are the aformentioned commies. I also had something on my mind. The Horoscopes dude looks like my dad, seriously. One of you guys knows him but I don't know how well. Frank Coppola. I dunno just thought I'd throw it out there. And also, that Joe "Schmo" dude who wrote in about kicking the Beastoscope guys ass because he called him a "fucking faggot". WHAT A PRICK! Seriously. Him and his frat "fuck" buddies are obviously dumbass dickheads, not to mention moron homophobes. Sorry to rant it just pisses me off. I have some venting to do about america and this seems like the place. Fuck Bush, Fuck Folley (I'm sixteen...don't give him my email, and Fuck Cheney. I read an article a few weeks ago about the military spening something like 50 million bucks on a new plane that failed most of its tests. I was ready to vomit. This country is going to shit. Thanks for deterring it for as long as you can. Ok I really am done now. Thanks for listening. Stay angry.

Lincoln Coppola

p.s. If you put me in the paper and I don't get a response that demeans and insults me then I will feel left out. Thanks again.

Well, we’d hate to disappoint you, Lincoln, you bootlicking shitbag. (Just kidding, Frank… you vomitous tool.)

 

HAPPY CLAM SENDS MINDLESS BIAS

This letter is for Ian Murphy:
  Ian I just read your article called Welcome to the Monkey House [issue 108]. Let me first start out by saying that I myself am 20 years old and a member of the Chapel. I tell you this because you seem to pride yourself on your investigation skills. Therefore I didn't want you reading this article then trying to investigate who sent it only to find it was a church member. Because the last thing I would want you to do is to  pass this letter off as a mindless bias from one of those "happy-clams."
    Based on your apparent lack of care for anyone's feelings and your sneakily planned interviews that you put in your article, it's obvious to me you are either a Liberal or you have some sort of Vendeta for the Church, maybe both. I have no desire nor the time to sit here think of clever quips and well worded sentences, allthough I may win that one, because I think you used those all up in your article. I am however fully prepared that if you respond you'll have one or two quips that you think will really erk me...let me save you the trouble....they wont. So whatever your response is I know it will be sarcastic and mis-leading.
   The worst part of your article, other than your miss-quotes, half truths, and biblical usage taken out off context, was you going into a place that has no other purpose than to want to help others out, whether that be through charities or a personal-relationship with Christ. In your article you then proceeded to mock people that would otherwise give you the shirts off their back if you needed it.
   Nobody from the Chapel purposley came to your paper with the intent of attacking it, so why did we deserve that.
    If you are really wanting to understand what goes on at the Chapel I would be happy to sit down with you or have one of our pastors sit with you and chat.
    There may be some people that may think I shouldn't even send this letter cause it's not very "christian-like" to them I say your probably right, but I only have so many cheeks to turn...I'm only human.
    My goal is to inform you of your jaded views and present them to you in sarcasm, because that's the language you like to speak.
    Please understand this letter I am writing has no ties to the church itself they do not know I'm writing it, and would probably dissaprove of it if they knew. I however don't have as much tolerance, that's something I need to work more on.
    Lastly you said that God came to make war....well friend if you truly believe that then just be prepared, because the article you wrote certainly wasn't intended to make peace.

David

We’re afraid you’ve failed in your stated goal, David, for two main reasons: One, we are fully aware of our jaded views, thank you. And two, as a wholly non-skeptical person, you are fundamentally incapable of comprehending what sarcasm actually is, as is evidenced by the total lack of anything resembling sarcasm in your largely incoherent letter. What’s most mysterious to us, though, is how you could think that informing us of your membership at The Chapel would somehow lessen our impression of you as a biased dolt. How does that make any sense, David? We’ll tell you: it doesn’t. But it’s not entirely your fault, since your logical capacity may have been permanently damaged by a lifetime spent worshipping absurd, ancient fairy tales and denying the very reality which surrounds you. It’s a common disorder, David; don’t feel bad.

 

PROOF POSITIVE

This country is indeed going south [“The Madness of King Us,” Donnie Dobovich, issue 108]...our education system is abismil and we are being led more often by idiots than by visionaries

FranktheTank

You’re right, Frank, our education system truly is “abismil”… more so than you know, chuckles.

 

KIRKUCCHINO

Surfing the net for 'Kirk Cameron' and hit The Beast.  Why Kirk? He was 2 ahead of me @ the local Starbucks.  He also is a disengenuious prat who leaves religous tracts disguised as $1billion bills in the tip jar.   The barrista says he does that all the time.  Lord save me from the freaks!
JFo

What deceit! Imagine, spreading that fire and brimstone numbskullery in the form of something as innocuous and common as a regular old billion-dollar bill.

 

ACTUALLY, YES

Have you even read the bill you profess gives the right to subject American citizens to military trials/torture etc?  This is a great example of the ignorant left trying to distort facts and the truth.  Wake up and read the bill before you spout off democratic talking points. 

Don't listen to this type of rhetoric people...they don't really care about you...they don't realize how much harm they are doing to us Americans with thier lies and bullshit.

rightWingWacko

Look, aptly named oaf, we’re not saying you didn’t read the bill or anything; we’re just saying you lack the requisite intelligence or legal knowledge to actually understand it. Then again, we’re pretty sure you could read The Crucible and find it to have an outrageous pro-witch bias.

 

APPLES & ASTEROIDS

Buffalo made the national news. At least, that's what they tell me, I didn't see it for myself. Couldn't. No power. Perhaps soon-we just got it back-I'll hear Bill O'Reilly or Anderson Cooper make a quip about the weather. Lucky me. I don't mean to sound glib, but over a quarter of a million people remain powerless (in more than one way) in the greater Buffalo region.

What if the situation was reversed? What if we had blistering heat and no power and limited mobility? I imagine that would be just as bad. Life without air conditioning and refrigeration is a pain in the ass. Call me a convenientist or whatever; the technology exists, so if you want to harp on the negative aspects of it you're barking at the wrong dog. But the reverse situation is exactly what residents of Gaza have been dealing with all summer after Israel bombed the only power plant. Residents of Lebanon are enduring a similar fate. The power goes out in Buffalo for a week and people act like it's the end of the world. In Gaza and Lebanon people deal with this on a daily basis, and it's not a result of nature. Of course it's stressful to figure out what you have to eat that doesn't need to be cooked, or waiting for the next issue of The Beast, but come on, how about a little comparison?

Jon Medeiros

Okay, Jon, you asked and we shall provide—here is your comparison: Don’t be fucking ridiculous. People aren’t acting like it’s the end of the world; they’re acting like it’s a pain in the ass, which it clearly is, as you yourself acknowledge. So what exactly is your beef? There aren’t enough bullets whizzing by our heads for people to bitch? What’s worse anyway, Jon—bitching about relatively minor problems or bitching about people bitching about relatively minor problems?

 

STROKER

hey you guys are pretty allright in my book....

It seems that in buffalo the "news" is pretty much a bunch of garbage, for lack of a better term. OK, the news is straight muddy-bum poop. It is great to pick up your paper and get a seemingly straight-forward, offensive, unabashed delivery of the real goings on. Your writers are top notch, demonstrating real critical thought and are adept at using their satire and musings to convey their messages(much more than can be said of either "major" publication in the area). It is a pleasure to read your publication...keep doing what you all are doing!!!
Regards,
AnthonX<-----an X? That's right

Awww, thanks, mom. You’re always there for us.

 

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