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ISSUE #110
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Features

ArrowThe 10 Most Ridiculous Things about the Midterm Elections
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Worst Show on Television
An election night diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowFEELINÊ HAGGARD
Forget the gay hooker; was Pastor Ted a tweaker?
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCrush, Kill, Destroy
Screw bipartisanship; it’s time for revenge.
Allan Uthman

Local BEAST

ArrowCult Classic
Pseudoscience and Psychedelics in the Church of Scientology
Ian Murphy

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Terrorist Emboldener

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Borat, Saw III, Flags of Our Fathers, The Santa Clause 3

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Tool Box, Another Einstein Weighs In, Army Ad's Still Got It, A Real American Hero and more

FEELINÊ HAGGARD
Forget the gay hooker; was Pastor Ted a tweaker?
By Alexander Zaitchik

Haggard Maze"Officer, they stole my wallet. It’s all a big misunderstanding. Like a Three's Company episode. Someone came in the wrong door."

So explains a naked Scott Thompson to two cops outside a rest stop in Brain Candy, the 1996 film by Toronto comedy troupe Kids in the Hall, arguably the funniest movie of the decade. When Thompson is returned home, naked and handcuffed, he explains to his weary wife.

"Honey, I think you’ve got a right to know what happened," he says. "I went out driving, cuz you know I love driving. And suddenly I had to take the biggest pee in the world. I saw this washroom, so I stopped in. But it was full of those types, you know, queens and queers. And they tried to kiss me; and I said no, no, no."

The scene cuts to Thompson reclining in a shrink's office.

"Why would he do that?" He asks.

"Didn't you say you had gripped his buttocks and pulled him closer?" asks the doctor, played by David Foley.

"I was concerned he would fall," says Thomspon. "I mean, his pants were down around his goddamn ankles."

I held a special screening of Brain Candy last week in honor of Ted Haggard, the mega-church pastor and evangelical leader whose initial "Who put this cock in my mouth?" half-admission to enjoying the company of a gay prostitute and purchasing methamphetamine was cut right from aKids in the Hall skit. Before admitting to "sexual immorality" and disappearing with his wife to what is likely an unmapped island in the Pacific, Haggard claimed that he was innocently referred to the prostitute by his hotel, and that while, yes, he bought meth from the masseuse, who, it turned out, happened to be gay, he threw the nefarious drug away before trying it.

Never mind buying speed only to toss it: Crank, for the ultimate relaxing massage!

I don't believe Haggard threw the meth away, unless you define "throw away" as "suck up your nose while greasing your abs." A lot of people have been pointing to Haggard's spastic cameo in the new documentary Jesus Camp, in which Pastor Ted condemns homosexuality (and tells a 12 year-old kid he's "very cute"). Look beyond the words, though, and the film depicts a man high on more than John 3:16. He stalks the stage wearing a Janet Jackson headset and a grin so big it looks like it's about to rip his face into quadrants. His teeth are clamped; his eyes wide. He can't, or at least doesn't, shut up. He's on so many cylinders he even heckles the Jesus Camp crew during his sermon. "If you use any of this footage, I'll sue you!" he jests, cracking himself up. Later, after the Sunday service, he's still going strong. "It's a great life!" he tells the filmmakers for no good reason. Dynamite, even. The man is clearly at an impressive cruising altitude; lunch is now being served with a choice of chicken or pasta.

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