Beast Banner Nov 16 - 30, 2006
ISSUE #110
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Features

ArrowThe 10 Most Ridiculous Things about the Midterm Elections
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Worst Show on Television
An election night diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowFEELINÊ HAGGARD
Forget the gay hooker; was Pastor Ted a tweaker?
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCrush, Kill, Destroy
Screw bipartisanship; it’s time for revenge.
Allan Uthman

Local BEAST

ArrowCult Classic
Pseudoscience and Psychedelics in the Church of Scientology
Ian Murphy

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Terrorist Emboldener

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Borat, Saw III, Flags of Our Fathers, The Santa Clause 3

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Tool Box, Another Einstein Weighs In, Army Ad's Still Got It, A Real American Hero and more

The Beast Page 3
Terrorist Emboldener

time tableName: Iraq Withdrawal Timetable

Turn-ons: Arbitrary intervals of time, power vacuums, power grabs, Grand Ayatollah Ali al- Sistani, Osama, the destruction of Israel, cancer and Kevin Federline.

Turn offs: “The course,” Einstein, worm holes, puppies, James Baker III, Gen. John Abizaid, America’s national security, the troops, and when people chew loudly.

How I became The BEAST Page 3 Terrorist Emboldener: You know I have no idea, really. I have no sense of self or cognition. I’m just a regular old timetable. Blank as a slate. I believe I’m in a drawer of some kind, in a mahogany desk, I would like to think. But I do bear a mark I have had since birth, which the elder timetables say fulfi ll the desk drawer prophecy that someday, one will be chosen; one that will end the occupation in a punctual manner.

Future plans: What kind of sadistic question is that? You know damn well
I’m not gonna catch a break! You know, I coulda been something. I coulda
been an exit strategy. They could fi ll me in with platoon numbers, troop draw
downs and dates if they wanted to, but they’ll probably just use my back
to doodle stick fi gures with boobs. They’ve stolen my fate, the infi dels! My
faaaate!

How I’d like to be remembered: As the piece of paper that toppled the
American Empire.

 

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