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ISSUE #111
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Features

ArrowBig Baby Brown
Buffalo Mayor Tramples BEAST Publisher

ArrowThe Vilsack Buzz
As the nation looks to ‘08, excitement is high
Matt Taibbi

ArrowCut -N- Fun!
2 dimensional fathers better parents, say experts

Rich Herschlag

ArrowDialing for Santorum
My last-ditch heroic effort to save the GOP’s holiest hatchet man
Matt Taibbi

Local BEAST

ArrowAn Important Message from our Fearless Leader
Paul Fallon

ArrowBeast Product Review
Buffalo Rising Magazine

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Featureless Internet Kitsch

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Casino Royale, Déjà Vu, Stranger Than Fiction, Bobby, Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny, Happy Feet

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
[sic]entology, Xenuphobia, Russian Says Get Out, Kill!, Castrate! and more

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[sic]ENTOLOGY

Hi, this was a great article ["Cult Classic,” issue #110]. It seems to reinforce all the speculation and rumors about this wacky cult. I was particularly surprised about that comment Zonnie made about ex-Scientologists rarely speaking out because the church knows "all their secrets." I'd heard they would try and blackmail people but I never thought they would openly admit it!  Oh and my question- did you guys get your 5 bucks back before you left that party??
Jordan

Dear Jordan,
Money is for Clears.

 

GONE, ALL RIGHT

I'm an ex member. I wish you had held off on your assault until you had reached the fifth floor. What, no "HCO bring order!" from the executive director? If she had uttered that everyone there would have been obliged to dog pile you. That would have been fun. If you want to have more fun, send in someone they don't know for a personality test. When they leave you alone to score the test, but some cards with xenu.net on them in some of the books and put them back in the pile.

Zebra Gone is the name I use because the so called church uses a lion for their symbol for their auditor course. A zebra caught by a lion doesn't have much choice other than to be eaten. In addition to that I have left the so called church for ever.

Don't bother emailing me at that email address. It's a good address but I don't remember the password to access it any more.

Keep up the good work. Watch your back and keep your pets where you can see them. Oh, yeah check your mailbox for poisonous snakes before you reach for your mail.
Zebra Gone

Dear Zebra,
You know what other animal would be helpless in the jaws of a lion? A sheep. A man, however, could stab the lion in the eyes, or maybe break one of its legs—if he isn’t a simpering victim.

 

XENUPHOBIA

Frickin sweet.  I think Neil lives in my appartment building.  Kinda young looking dude with the glasses. him and his girlfriend were walking their hedgehogs on the lawn. He was smoking a cigar.  thought that was a no no.
anyways. "my name is xenu" gonzoness... yeah. good story.
Scott

Dear Scott,
Come on—hedgehogs? That is spectacular.

 

MAKING PROGRESS

Thank you Ian and staff & yer bosses at BuffaloBeast!

This is one informative and humorous investigative piece on scientology! 

I don't think anyone has ever gotten a staff member to admit this statement to a non scientologist,  much less a journalist albeit under cover:
"After some prodding, she (Zonnie) explained that the negative press concerning Scientology was the work of “anti-social” personalities, and that ex-Scientologists rarely speak out because the church “knows all their secrets.” 

Well, we'll see about that now, Zonnie...

FYI, Zonnie is Zonnie Bauer and here is her personal home page created for her by Scientology! Can you imagine that,?? lol!! Here it is:
myreligion.scientology.org/zonniebauer/
~ FormerlyFooled ~

Dear Fooled,
We see you’re a Christian now. Congrats, really. You’ve managed to trade one delusion for another.

 

FLAGGING STAFF

This was hysterical. When I read he was looking for volunteers and could onlt find one I was like "I'll go I'll go" Funny as hell and informative as well. Do some more on this cult. They don't sue as much as they used to.
Bill Bailey

Dear Bill,
Too bad mayors aren’t following the same trend.

 

QUITTER

That was too funny.  My name is Rich Dunning and I was featured in the Buffalo News Story and the story on 48 hours.  That was great I wish I could of been there to see Teresa's face.  Good job
Richard Dunning

Dear Richard,
Well, you could have, if you weren’t a dirty traitor to L. Ron.

 

ENGRAM PATROL

can't find your magizine, where should i look?
Ken

Dear Ken,
Try the dumpster behind the Church of Scientology, they oughta have a few thousand back there.

 

CHIMPEACH

Amen! finally an American who understands the stakes [“Crush, Kill, Destroy,” issue #110]. All this nicey nicey, don't offend, healing talk, is naive. ACCOUNTABLITLY! without it nothing can work, no one can trust, freedom is illusion. Revenge is normal, natural, needed....in proportion to the offence committed...trial, prosecution, rule of law...justice....freedom. Impeach!
Gerry

Dear Gerry,
We agree with you agreeing with us!

CONCURRENCE

Yes, the thought of so many Republicans under oath, on the hot seat, in front of the cameras and the bright lights of congressional hearings is truly a beautiful thing. The amount of money skimmed, stolen, ect. by this administration is of epic biblical proportions, trust me. Whether or not anyone in congress has the moxie to actually  kick some thieving Republincan ass remains to be seen.  

   You're point on Republican motivations is the crux of the issue.  We need to see some more perp walks,
soon. The stick works much better on the Repuublicans than the carrot does.
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
Depends on which Republican you’re talking about. Mark Foley loves the carrot. Bill Frist just enjoys vegetables.

 

TWO IN THE BUSH

I can go along with the author on this one except for one salient fact that he has ignored.  Should an impeachment succeed, we would be looking at President Cheney.  Granted impeachment proceedings could be brought against him as well, but the interim period could and would be disasterous.  The question is, how do we rid ourselves of two assholes at one time?
Brummbaer

Dear Brummbaer,
We dunno… maybe one of those fake peanut cans with the springy snake things that pop out of them? That oughta take care of Cheney, at least.

 

THE 2007 HICK REVOLT

I love the Beast, but I have to take issue with Uthman's "Crush, Kill, Destroy" article from #110.

It's possible that this is satire, and I'm (mostly) missing it.  After all, it seems reminiscent of (although still more laid-back than) conservative diatribes after the 2004 election.  Note conservative blogosphere nitwits like Adam Yoshida who  states in Nov. 04 about Democrats, "Despite all of their tricks, despite all of their lies, the people have rejected them. They mean nothing. They are worth nothing. There’s no point in trying to reach out to them because they won’t be reached out to. We’ve got their teeth clutching the sidewalk and out boot above their head. Now’s the time to curb-stomp the bastards."

Assuming Uthman is serious, however, I think Allan underestimates how bad an impeachment could be.  I teach American politics and one issue we discuss is how major parties typically choose between saying/doing something ideological, versus saying/doing something strategic.  You can do both, but there's usually a trade-off.  The former is embraced by party ideologues and activists, the latter is  meant to hook in moderates and undecided voters.  Uthman's anger over the Democrats taking the strategic way out is basically the same anger that many true-blue liberals feel over the Democrats' incrementalist approach, in general.

In a moral sense, I agree with much of Uthman has said.  However, it would be a disaster if an we had an impeachment and if it led to  the removal of Bush and Cheney.  Uthman isn't worried about the division that this would cause because: a) we're already a divided nation, b) payback's a bitch.  But I think Allan underestimates part a), especially, considering that that Pelosi would become President.  The right has already began to succesfully villify her - if she became President in a way that many Fox news viewers and their ilk viewed as a political manuever, I don't doubt there would be massive civil unrest.  Many conservatives think of George Bush as the best president since Reagan.  Humbling their hero through a Clinton-esque impeachment media circus is one thing.  But actually removing him and replacing him with "Darth" Pelosi would lead to a definite galvanization of the right and, very possibly, violence.

If Bush is brought to justice, it can only be done after he's gone.  That's the only way to do something that's both strategic and morally correct.

E. Malachi Howley

Look Malachi,
We all know Bush will never be “brought to justice.” And, in fact, there’s no way the Senate votes to impeach. But that doesn’t mean he can’t be shamed and embarrassed by a House impeachment. Besides, you’re vastly overestimating the political commitment of Americans. The only thing that could cause “massive civil unrest” here would be a shortage of giant televisions.

 

RUSSIAN SAYS GET OUT

The Democratic congressional victory temporarily staves off the Republikan push for absolute totalitarian/theocratic control of this nation.  But because most of the Dems are tweedy and gutless they will no doubt allow the Republikan Horst Wessels to resume their jack booted street brawling tactics with nothing more than a tsk tsk.  Should this turn out to be the case, only a military coup to oust Republikan black shirt government will save this country.  But the sane, decent people in the military will probably go the way of General Shinseki.  Get a passport and plan your escape route.
Mordechai Shiblikov

Dear Mordechai,
This is kind of scary, coming from a Soviet.

 

TORTURER, TORTUREE

I agree completely with everything in the article. These neo-cons are the biggest bunch of crooks that ever stole power in this country. I beleive they, ( the entire administration ) should be sent to GITMO, where they belong, and tortured under the same rules they applied to others. It's the only way that integrity in government will ever be restored in this country! And, if you think I'm a pissed off old Geezer, ( I'm 71), You're right! What I've said above is really too light a punishment for these criminals! They deserve a lot worse for the death and destruction they have caused, and the destabilization of the Middle East! Let's not forget the hate against the United States these idiots have caused, which will take generations to repair. The only thing Bush, Cheney, and their criminal cabal are good at is failure, and fucking things up! They sooo need to be held responsible!
Joseph S. Spiezio

Dear Joseph,
What kind of 71-year-old says anything “sooo needs to be” anything? At least you’re just advocating torture for Bush, not death as an alarming number of other letter-writers have.

 

KILL!

I hope if he is impeached, he'll get the death penatly for treason against the nation!

Impeach the SOB. After he's out of office, try him for treason. The punishment for treason while a member of the armed forces (as Commander in Chief) is hanging. Then send his body to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes.
Ken Meyer

Dear Ken,
Ah, er, we kind of doubt Pelosi’s gonna go for the hanging thing. Just a hunch

 

KILL!

Right on! The investigation and impeachmnet should just be the beginning. This is a criminal regime and deserve even further prosecution and imprisonment.  I am not just talking about Bush and Cheney.  I include Rumsfeld, Rice, Ashcroft, Gonzalez, Rove and dozens of their underlings, coprporate sponsors, lobbyists, journalists as well as their legions of election frauding ground troops.  If this takes years, so be it.  We must cure our body politic of this cancer or it will reemerge again.  These are more than criminals, they are traitors and must pay.  I beleive if the evidence proves treason then execution should be the penalty.  Let John Conyers, Jr. do his job for God's sake.
Let's show these fascists the  Power and the Strength of Truth and Justice.
True Blue

Dear True,
Uh, seriously guys, you probably don’t want to advocate killing the president like that. Bad for the staying out of prison thing.

 

CASTRATE!

YES, YES, YES, BUSH NEEDS TO BE IMPEACHED AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE BEHIND THE IMPEACHMENT.  HE ALSO NEEDS TO BE CASTERATED BECAUSE HE IS THE BIGGEST PRICK THAT EVER LIVED!!
John Rademacher

Dear John,
Talk about a collector’s item!

 

KILL!

You bet he must be impeached.  ALL the republicanazi crimes must be exposed, and the greedy criminals must be punished.  Their war profits must be confiscated, their assets seized, and their greedy asses thrown into jail.  Bush and Cheney should be handed over to the Iraqis to be tried, convicted, and hanged next to Saddam Hussein.
Thomas R Arnold

Dear Thomas,
Again with the hanging. What would Tookie Williams say?

 

KILL!

Wonderful article, but I have to disagree with one significant point. The question isn't "How many decades should Bush's prison term last?" It should be, "Will the Democrats be able to keep the Patriot Act around long enough so they can use it to have Bush shot?" He has already committed capital offenses under the Patriot Act, mostly involving the government's role in transporting funds to the terrorist group Abu Sayyaf, who then killed Martin Burnham and Ediborah Yap for their trouble as well as his arming the terrorist group Mujhadeen al-Khalq in Iraq to be used as an alleged "intelligence conduit," an action which actively kicked off further attacks on US troops. I am confident that further investigation will unearth more capital charges against the president.

It's time to prosecute and uphold him to the law that he helped create.
Tarkus

Dear Tarkus,
Ah yes, what better way to return America to the rule of law than a military execution?

 

JUICE LOOSENER

I agree with everything you said with the exception of the OJ Simpson analogy.  Any beast from Buffalo must be well aware that OJ, scum as he may now be, was not only a competent running back, but one of the very best and most successful of all time.  Bush has never been the best, successful or even competent at anything in his life.  He wasn't even a competent fucking drunk.  Compare Bush to OJ the human, but not OJ the running back.  Other than that minor point, I salute your article.

William Moore

Dear William,
This is the most perceptive criticism we have ever received. We slouch corrected. How about “…what OJ is to film actors?”

 

SEMPER FILM

Sir or Madam:
 I was glancing through your most recent publication while waiting for my lunch today and thought I should point out an error on Michael Gildea’s part.  In his review of “Flags of Our Fathers”, he attributes the very famous image of Old Glory being raised over Mount Suribachi on the island of Iwo Jima to the United States Army.  Too many United States Marines lost their lives on that island to give the Army credit for its capture.  Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Best regards,
Keith R. Vona, Esq. (and former Marine)

Dear Kieth,
We know this whole Marines-vs-Army thing is a big deal to you guys, but you have to understand that every civvy you’ll ever meet thinks of all of you guys as the army. You’ve got guns, you wear camo, you kill foreigners, you’re helpless pawns for a global domination cult—you’ve got to admit it’s a pretty similar gig.

 

A NOVEL ARGUMENT

you guys are such fags you need to support our troops even if you dont agree with the war plus bush was the lesser of the two evils for the past 2 elections. oh and by the way one of the best quotes ever is "peace through superior firepower" and everyone of our troops is a superior weapon. so in other words stop your bitching and support our troops!
Sweetstang87

Dear Sweatstain,
Ummm…yeah…well…oh, what’s the point?

 

RIBBIT

Dear Editors:
 I lived in Buffalo from 2000 to 2004 while attending graduate school and slowly went from admiring the place to loathing it. I moved there from California just in time for the worst blizzard since 1976. That didn't really put me off; for me all the snow was new and beautiful.

The first two years there I was very optomistic about all the talk of buffalo's renewal etc.,. I remember back in 1999 while still in California searching for graduate programs back East reading on the internet a story about the Buffalo waterfront and there was a photo of the mayor and governor in a ribbon cutting ceremony for the waterfront. What a joke.

Waiting for things to get better in Buffalo is like waiting for a better life under the old Soviet era communism----lots of promises, lots of waiting, but little in the way of delivery.

I recall about the time I woke up to the retarded nature of Buffalo. There was a call in show on that AM radio station and the guest was one of the local politicians...Volker, I think. The topic was the fiscal mess the city was in.  I had noticed that lots of people in Buffalo like to run red lights and some businesses do not shovel the snow off their sidewalks. I suggested fining the businesses and installing automated cameras at the lights so that offenders could be ticketed. I also suggested making the Park N Ride lots near the South Campus a for fee service.  And what did Volker say? "Are you from California?" In a really shitty dismissive tone. No one even commented on my ideas.

During my stay in Buffalo I lived on the west side and relied on public transportation. The bus tables were not reliable at all. And in the winter time the snow plows would pile up the snow into the bus shelters---leaving no room for the waiting passengers. Once, I made the mistake of taking the bus to the Galleria mall. Horrible experience. Readers may recall a few years back the case of the working mother who gut run down out there. And what about that little tram that goes underground? Poor people and fat ethnic suburban office workers too afraid to look up from their paperback novels during the 10 minute ride through the wasteland.  What was one way Buffalo spent its Americorp money? By hiring suburban white kids to escort office workers on their way home. These fat fucks won't even walk to the parking garage.  Another time I recall an especially bitter-cold winter day. This young black kid, just out of school, tried to get on the city bus but only had one (of the two) passes needed. The asshole white driver wouldn't let him on. 

There's more I could say but won't.

Feel free to publish my letter,
Jean-Claude Dehmel II

Dear Jean-Claude,
It’s probably for the best that you don’t live here anymore. You’re right though—poor people are the worst! And fat people—should we really be letting them live, let alone use our public transportation system? And really, a city just isn’t worth a damn if its officials don’t heed your shitty, punitive revenue gathering suggestions. You’ve made some solid points here, and certainly haven’t done anything to reaffirm the stereotype that the French are derisive snobs.

 

EXPERTS AGREE

The most amazing thing about articles like this one is the smug arrogance with which people like Matt Taibbi demonstrate their  abysmal ignorance [“Murrah Redux, issue #109]. I can imagine the nineteenth century "realists" who disputed the idea that men would one day fly using the same self satisified tone to ask, "What are we going to do, flap our arms? Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!" while knowledgable people merely shrugged their shoulders in resignation. Some degrees of stupidity are not only impervious to reason, but not worth the effort it takes to correct them.

For example, Taibbi refers to the "gigantic plane/jet-fuel explosions we all saw on television" as if these had obviously been sufficient to collapse the towers. But no one, not even the authors of the NIST report or the 9-11 Commission Report, maintains that these "explosions" brought down the towers. Instead they use labored - and equally inadequate - speculations about burning office furniture and carpets, since these were the only fuels left after about twenty minutes. Taibbi dismisses concerns about the speed of the collapse with a reductio ad absurdum argument that even a high-school science student would reject and seems inordinately proud of being unaware of the most basic principles of physics.

Although I'm not a regular reader of this site, I'm going to keep my eye on it just to catch Taibbi's next installment. My bet: he's going to regurgitate the nonsense that Popular Mechanics published a couple of years ago. What next? Here's a suggestion, Matt. Why not take on the theory of evolution. You seem eminently well qualified to be a Creationist!

A.J. Hill

Dear A.J.,
Popular Mechanics! That rag? What the hell do they know about science and engineering? Pfft! Certainly no more than the intrepid investigators at 911truth.bushequalshitler.shadowgov.blogspot.com!

 

 

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