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ISSUE #112
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Features

ArrowMcCain's Mutiny
Why "Mr. Integrity" wants the war to drag on
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Negligents
How to convert ignorance into “skepticism”
Ben Zaitchik

ArrowCivil War?
An oxymoron in one act
Ian Murphy

ArrowBaker-Hamilton Omission Report
Iraq Study Group aims to change perception, not reality
Matt Taibbi

ArrowThe BEAST Holiday Gift Guide
Because you must consume!

ArrowAre YOU a Racist?
Take the BEAST Quiz!

Local BEAST

ArrowAn Important Message from our Fearless Leader
Paul Fallon

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Environmental Apocalypse

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Turistas, Blood Diamond, Unaccompanied Minors, Apocalypto, The Holiday

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
Fiends Like These, Cutler & Run, That's [sic], Osama for your Mama and more

 

Civil War?

continued - page 2

[Stage left: the sound of a large motor and creaking metal wheels overtakes the gunfire. The long gun barrel of an Abrams tank crashes through the factory wall.]

Dudley: What’s all this then?

[The tank fires multiple 120mm shells over the actor’s heads, leveling the wall at stage right. The gun barrel withdraws as the revving motor, and the sound of gunfire becomes quieter. The two men shake their heads in disgust.]

Nigel: I do say!

Dudley: Really! Is that necessary?

Nigel: I should say not!

Dudley: Animals.

Nigel: Animals.

Dudley: Animals.

[Nigel turns toward the audience, revealing the large chunk of shrapnel protruding from the right side of his head. His ear is missing. He sips his tea.]

Dudley: I say, old man, it appears as if you’ve been hit.

Nigel: Oh, bother.

Dudley: Right. Right. By all reason, you should be dying, then.

Nigel: I do believe you’re correct.

Dudley: I know of a Shiite controlled hospital, just a hop and a skip from here in Sadr City. Come on, then. Let’s gather up your things. [Starts packing RPG in a green duffel bag.]

Nigel: But I thought... [Picks ear off of ground and holds it next to head] did you say ‘Shiite’?

[Awkward pause.]

Dudley: Oh dear. Well, this is embarrassing.

[Dudley stands up, looks at his watch and whistles uncomfortably. Nigel attempts to grab his arm and falls on the floor face down.]

Nigel: I say, I’m in a great deal of pain… [screams] are you leaving, then?

Dudley: Yes, I’m afraid so; I have an appointment I must attend to. Dreadfully sorry.

Nigel: Right, then. Pleasure to have met you. [Gasping for breath.]

Dudley: Indeed. Have a good day, sir. [Shakes Nigel’s limp hand, and walks off stage.]

Nigel: Good bye.

[The curtain falls, and the Iraqi national anthem begins to play.]

 

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