Turistas | Blood Diamond | Unaccompanied Minors
Apocalypto | The Holiday

Apocalypto

Who gives a fuck? Probably my favorite question of all time. More so even than who wants cake? It rolls off the tongue, can be used in a hypothetical or a literal sense. And if you’ve got the right kind of personality—one that’s custom-built for the question, you can use it in practically any situation. I truly love it even if I don’t get to use it enough. But even if you ask or use the question liberally, the problem with it is that someone always gives a fuck. Always!

But I think my Christmas miracle for 2006 came a little early this year—all because no one gave a fuck. It was beautiful! The only thing that could be better is if Uthman started spelling my first name right at the top of the page! I sat in an empty theater, watching Mel Gibson’s new “epic” Apocalypto and no one gave a fuck. Not even me—because I wasn’t seeing it out of desire or by choice. I finally came across something where no one gave a fuck.

I thought for sure some history buffs would be in the theater scoffing at historical inaccuracies, but apparently they didn’t give a fuck. The usual elderly couples who are usually up for this crap didn’t give a fuck. Not even the hardcore Mel Gibson freaks came out of the woodwork to give a fuck! Why didn’t anyone give a fuck!?

Is it because of Gibson’s drunk driving/Hebrew hatefest incident last summer? Possibly. I’m guessing it might have something to do with the fact that Apocalypto is about a Mayan civilization. Could be, could be. It sure as shit can’t be the subtitles that are making people not give a fuck. Passion of the Christ was full of subtitles and everyone went to see that. After all, EVERYONE likes to read when they go to the movies.

As I sat alone in that big theater, I began to get lonely. The power of not giving a fuck was beginning to take its toll on me. Charlton Heston at the beginning of The Omega Man began to spring to mind. But at least he got to watch a good movie. He watched Woodstock, for crying out loud. Heston didn’t have to look at a bunch of Mayans’ junk and uninspired violence that spawns pacifists out in the Northwest. Heston didn’t have to deal with a bunch of stereotypical screen villains. Even if he did, at least he got to shoot at and ultimately kill them. All I could do was throw loose change at the screen. And then it hit me! I finally figured out why no one gave a fuck!

Because this movie sucks! I should have seen it all along, but I was too busy not giving a fuck to notice! Watch a commercial for Apocalypto and you’ll see a haggard Gibson explaining the movie. Any director who makes a halfway decent film doesn’t have to stoop to overpowering their work and describing it as it’s about this guy…and he’s trying to get home…and I don’t give a fuck. Not even Gibson seemed to give a fuck when waxing alcoholic about his latest film in short segments designed to disguise his apparent lack of charity toward said fuck. And how the hell are you going to give a fuck about something when the douchebag responsible for it can’t even force himself to give a fuck about it?

Now of course, people are going to see Apocalypto. And such outings to the theaters are going to leave you with the impression that people actually give a fuck about the movie. But they don’t. They don’t give a fuck about Apocalypto. They just want me to think they do…

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