Beast Banner March 2007
ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

Kino Korner

 


The Abandoned | Wild Hogs | The Number 23 | Zodiac
Reno 911!: Miami | Amazing Grace | Black Snake Moan
Shooter | The Astronaut Farmer | Inland Empire


The Abandoned

There are two trailers I’ve seen for The Abandoned. The first was an incoherent series of quick cuts featuring oh-so-spooky imagery, shadowy figures suddenly jumping out of nowhere, a house with a greenish hue and a black pig. Yes, a black pig. While that thirty seconds was alarmingly close to my formula for the perfect porno, it looked like what has become known as the garden variety traditional run of the mill bullshit horror movie. And it is another element in the widespread conspiracy to further decrease the attention span of the public at large. What I saw was everything that is and continues to be wrong with the modern horror movie. It was some garbled mishmash that was one part horror movie and two parts used car commercial.

But then I saw the actual theatrical trailer for The Abandoned.  This offered more promise because some of the shots lasted longer than 0.434387997 seconds and it came off as vaguely interesting. What I can only assume is a woman returns to her childhood home to discover she has a twin brother. Oh, and the house is haunted and if you see yourself you die. Don’t see yourself. Things get scary and that pig, that black pig looks pissed off. I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of interested as to what the hell the deal with the black pig is. Is it a harbinger of doom? A talisman of friendship? Does he or she like to be scratched behind the ears? Will it chortle and snort if you sing to it? Only what I’m sure will be a waste of about ten bucks will say for sure.

 

 

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