Beast Banner March 2007
ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

Kino Korner

 


The Abandoned | Wild Hogs | The Number 23 | Zodiac
Reno 911!: Miami | Amazing Grace | Black Snake Moan
Shooter | The Astronaut Farmer | Inland Empire


Black Snake Moan

Wha--? I think that’s the only response that anyone can have to seeing a country-ass Samuel L. Jackson going to get his mail and walking back up his driveway only to find a beat up white trash Christina Ricci crackwhore unconscious in his driveway. He makes some calls to find out who the hell she is and probably to see if he can get away with cornholing her before selling her badly tattooed and half-naked ass to the local snuff filmmaker. So here was one of those completely irrational What Would Jesus Do moments and that’s where things get really fucked up. Because Jesus apparently would wrap a chain around her waist until she’s free of The Demon.

I think I will one day see Black Snake Moan out of nothing more than morbid curiosity. I’ll probably spend most of the movie’s running time trying to figure out if I still find Christina Ricci attractive. If you see the trailer for Black Snake Moan, you’ll notice that the playing field isn’t exactly level. Bad hair and a half shirt with a confederate flag on it aren’t exactly Miracle Gro for erections after all. Plus she’s skinny as shit now. Part of her charm was that her physique looked like it’d fight back. Now it looks like it would just curl up into a fetal position and cry. Seriously, where have all the good times gone? I’m sure I’ll also spend a good portion of the time wondering if those tattoos are real. Or maybe Black Snake Moan will actually be good and I’ll pay attention to the story. I don’t know. At least Virginia Madsen isn’t in it.

 

 

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