Beast Banner March 2007
ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

Kino Korner

 


The Abandoned | Wild Hogs | The Number 23 | Zodiac
Reno 911!: Miami | Amazing Grace | Black Snake Moan
Shooter | The Astronaut Farmer | Inland Empire


Shooter

So Mark Wahlberg is living in the backwoods of wherever with his old lady and dog who can fetch them beers with no slobber. He’s also growing The Worst Beard Ever and he used to be a Marine sniper. Not just a Marine sniper, but one of the best Marine snipers in the world! Someone wants to grease the president, but IT’S A SET UP! And they give Marky Mark the hucklebuck!

So Wahlberg has 2 slugs in him and says fuck this shit! I left my dog that fetches beers and secluded cabin in the woods to get a screw job from Danny Glover!?! Oh, hell no! I’d probably take this shit lying down from Morgan Freeman and I MIGHT take this from Christopher Plummer, but there’s no way in hell I’m taking this crap from Mel Gibson’s sidekick! So with the help of his oddly attractive girlfriend, Wahlberg goes after the top levels of government in ways that might make Matt Damon weep. All I know is if you don’t eat at least 3 pounds of raw red meat before or after you see this movie you’re a pussy. And Jesus hates pussies. He hates them dead.

 

 

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