Beast Banner March 2007
ISSUE #114
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Features

ArrowSchlep Boys
Failing forward in one act

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Britney Budget
Matt Taibbi

ArrowEeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe
Blogger and journalist Brad Friedman of The Brad Blog on the hijacking of democracy and more

ArrowObama
The best BS artist since Slick Willy

Matt Taibbi

ArrowSweet Nothings
Lies my paper told me

Allan Uthman

ArrowMenace in Seat 36F
Based on a True Story

Michael J. Smith

ArrowBEAST gets poetic on dat ass!
Saul Williams schools us on Hip Hop and our choice of lunch

ArrowCelebrity Buttholes Will Be the End of Us
A. Monkey

ArrowThe BEAST Melanin / Electability Index

ArrowThe Truth Spin
Sometimes, honesty really is the best policy

Allan Uthman

ArrowTV Highlights
CBSs Numb3rs signals the end of the end of the American Empire

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Departments
ArrowKino Korner: Movies
The Abandoned, Wild Hogs, The Number 23, Zodiac, Reno 911!: Miami, Amazing Grace, Black Snake Moan, Shooter, The Astronaut Farmer, Inland Empire

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
The Pussy of the Christ, How Great We Art, Dumb Shit, PhD, All You Need is Loathe and more

 

[sic] Header

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Putting a president who just died, jesus, ben gibbard, the president, the vice president, and just about every political figure is offensive. Fuck you!

Martin Lopez

Dear Martin,
How did Ben Gibbard wind up in there? The fact that you hold Gibbard in high esteem along with Cheney says everything about why Death Cab blow so badly.

 

THE PUSTULE SERVICE

a brilliant list filled with delicious tasting bile, but Ben Gibbard? For one thing, you clearly don't know the origin of the name Death Cab For Cutie. Google it. Secondly, he's actually pretty good. We need someone like him to counter the Tom an Jerry world of television commercials.Why mar a genius list with a soft target like Gibbard?

Michael Fremer

Dear Michael,
Because douchebags like you thinks he’s cool.

 

GIBBARDISH

Ben Gibbard? Loathsome?

Of course, I respect your opinion, but Ben Gibbard? It is true that it seems impossible for them to recreate the music live in concert (thats why I don't care to see them) but the stuff he writes is so... entertaining. There are so many different ways to see the writing. I don't know how to explain it but you can get lost in it. I love the stuff. and i would love to know who you think is a respectable musician/ songwriter. So please do tell.
Alex

Dear Alex,
Entertaining? We haven’t listened to Plans in months and we’re still waiting for the drums to kick in. We’re not going to run off a list of our favorite tunesters, but just to give you the gist, Justin Timberlake edges out Gibbard in our book. And we hate him.

 

ALIENS ATE MY EVIDENCE

Dear sirs,
     I wish to express my dismay at your choice of Alex Jones for your Loathsome list. Not his inclusion in it, he brings ridicule upon himself and it is perfectly valid and funny to include him, but shouldn't he at least be less loathsome than Ryan Seacrest or Gerald Ford? I mean fuck!!! Seacrest!!! FORD!!!!! If he's really a schizo paranoid moron can you really blame a guy for that? Also, he isn't exactly a leftist. He worked for Pat Buchanan's Presidential campaign at one time. And the left needs no assistance to make it appear foolish in the eyes of others... same goes for the right wing.  As penence for this infraction you must remove the pinky fingers of all white males in your office and feed them to the reanimated corpse of Bill Hicks who will appear in three days with a thirst only thumbs can quench. God help you should you deny him that release.
     Sincerely,
           Henry Krinkle
           Austin, Tx

Dear Henry,
Only if Hicks does ten minutes or so on the drug war. He kills on that issue.

 

DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME

Sorry to be a trouble but you forgot some people on your list of
50 most loathsome people on earth...YOU DOUCHE BAGS

You ass wipes should be on the top of the list for trying to clown any and everybody for accomplishing something in their lives, unlike you losers.

What the heck is wrong with you people? Get a freakin life, man. Do you really have that much time on your hands to bad mouth 50 (probably selected randomly) people who have done nothing to you. Have your opinion about someone. But do you just have to resort to this?

How about this: Instead of being repeatedly unsuccessful in life losers and resorting to try and build your careers (and lives) on other people and demote people who are already successful, try to grow some balls and dignity and try to make it in this world on your own.

Im doing this because I wouldn't want anybody who didn't know me bad mouthing me and stuff like that. And I know you wouldn't either.

And BTW, Im not even gonna get on that ignorant, false, and indenial Jesus comment. That was just pitiful.

TOTAL OWNAGE

doncorleone301

“Total ownage,” Don? Seriously? Your inarticulate gruntings only reveal that you did not, in fact, read our list. Otherwise, you would know that we did indeed put ourselves on the list. You may not want to be badmouthed, but guess what? You’re a fucking idiot. You couldn’t “own” a lemur. Thanks for playing.

 

EMPTY GLASS FULL OF AIR

Remember when Bush said there are no war plans "on my desk"?

I think Pelosi was sly to phrase (impeachment is off the table) that way.

The fact is, she knows she's got to paralyze Dick Cheney - screw Bush, on his own he's harmless.  Let him sit in the Oval Office, a crippled, inarticulate embarrassment, hung around the necks of Americans who voted for him like a chicken carcass around the neck of a chicken-killing dog (that last part's a nod to Molly Ivins).

Maezeppa

Dear Maezeppa,
So what you’re saying here is that Pelosi was making some obscure furniture-related pun. And she’s going to “paralyze” Cheney. And Bush is “harmless.” We’ve heard the Democrats were pessimists, but it turns out they’re just retarded.

 

EARNED HIS PLACE

 i think joe lieberman, with his weekly body of work, now should bust thru into the top ten---fair is fair....

Rich Ellison

Dear Rich,
Lieberman can’t even bust through his pants.

 

HILLARY-OUS

I was surprised to see the absence of Hillary Clinton on your Top 50 fuck-heads list.  Come on guys, the carpetbagger deserves her time to shine.  At least validate this in your reply by giving her a good zing. (Yeah, I said "a good zing," and I'm not ashamed at all.)

Chris

Dear Chris,
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to screw America? A: Just the one! Oh yeah, baby! That’s right!

 

DUMB SHIT, PhD

I guess by slamming all of these people you think it makes you better. Classic case. Wow you have a website...
Marshall

Dear Marshall,
Actually, it is our well-founded feeling of superiority which enables us to criticize people with such dead on accuracy and fearlessness, not the other way around.

 

AND NOW, THIS

Farts farts farts farts farts farts farts. Farts, farts fartsfarts farts fartsfarts farts farts farts,farts farts farts farts farts.

Farts farts farts farts farts farts; farts farts farts farts farts. Farts farts farts farts farts.

Farts,
Farts

Dear Senator McCain,
Please stop harassing us.

 

FREEDOM SPREADER

i'm not one to complain but as an army reservist your i found your picture of a dead reservist very distasteful, and i take great offense to article of the sort, the very thought that i might one day die for the liberties that you so eagerly abuse almost sickens me, all i ask is think of how an article may degrade one's personal sacrifice, not just the comedic value, thank you and i look forward to hearing back from you in the near future

- Efrain J Hudnell

Dear Efrain,
If you jumped into a wood chipper, we’d make fun of you too.

 

HAD US GOING THERE

Dear Beast,
fuck you, and the commie, lefty, pinko, slimes that read this disgraceful excuse of a rag; you should be ashamed of your selves. Peddling reliable varifiable information to your benighted readers is fucking un-American. Thank sweet JESUS I can get my mind spanked simply by typing www.anncoulter.com. This rancorous quaffered old sow shits on you, and do you know why?- because she hasn't got a fucking clue what she's talking about, but she talks none the less.

Those 3000 soldiers who died so you can right this drivel must be rotating in their holes in the ground- oh yeah and a few hundred odd thousand rag heads.

Stop telling the truth, fuck you!

Rob.

P.S. Love the film revues.

Imagine that, Robert: so many soldiers signing up to fight for the rights of pinko leftists. How counterintuitive.

 

EDUCATOR

Just so you know, your exhibit A against Jesus Christ is totally off. He never taught that crap. That left behind nonsense is a failed creation of 19th century evangelicals.

About Rush? RIGHT ON!!!!

Just so you know, your assuption that Jesus Christ was ever an actual human being is totally off. He never drew breath and is a wholly fictitious character. RIGHT ON!!!!

Eric

Dear Eric,
Wait a minute—didn’t James Cameron just find his bones? Just so you know.

 

NEEDS MORE HAY

The best hour spent, even better than a jump in the hay. Don't stop the Bush family is endless.
John Bakalik

Dear John,
If you really think The BEAST is better than sex, you’re… married.

 

HOW MUCH FOR THE INFANT?

Thanks for making me shriek with insane giggles at 3 am.  Art work is the absolute best.
Ya'll can have my first-born.  Please.
Sally

We enjoy making you shriek at night, Sally, but please don't talk about babies.

 

CARVILLAINOUS

Dear Evil Publisher:

You and your evil staff rock! Truly the most creative fun stuff I've read. Got to admit I've been depressed and pulling my comforter over my head over the murder of Derwin Brown, a pit bull attack and recent political events, but after reading The Beast I'm getting back that kickass feeling.

Oh and one more thing... thanks for that deliciously wicked cartoon of Carville. He helped Zell Miller get elected as Gov here in GA, smote Howard Dean and even suggested that Democrats back Zell as a presidential candidate.

Vicki Pierce

Dear Vicki,
President Zell? Commander-in-Zell? Carville needs to get that “ass-kicked” feeling.

 

GLARING OMISSION

I really love your list and have been laughing OUT LOUD while reading it! Very crude and clever...........but hey-- where is one of my favorites BILL O'REILLY!!!! He is such a spoouge!
Tracey Cunningham

Dear Tracey,
What can we say? Calling O’Reilly loathsome is like calling water wet. Alas, we had to bump him to make room for Ben Gibbard.

 

JESUS HITLER CHRIST

I agree about most of them, even us, but leave Jesus out of it.  He obviously never did anything to you.
Richard Fawkes

Aside from populating the earth with morons like yourself, Richard, we guess you're right.

 

SNOT FUNNY

I applaud your vitriol. Your deft pillorization of Rush Limbaugh actually made stuff come out of my nose. Very Rushlike stuff. God bless your black little hearts. c.

Dear C,
Our hearts may be black, but they are not little; in fact they are dangerously enlarged, thank you very much.

 

THINKER THAN YOU DRUNK

Hello,
I'm drunk, and yet I am still pissed at Bush.  Momma told me alcohol never helps, and she was right.  Damn it.

I was just informed of the best new descriptive word ever. 'Twunt,' coined by a Scotsman, when you just can't decide..... Bush is a Twunt.       haha.. ooh it hurts.

Did Cheney snort a line? 

Hoping you're drunker than I am,
Kate in Kingston

Dearest Kate,
We’d come over, but you’re probably all sobered up and unmolestable now.

 

WISDOM=MONEY

You boys seem to have all the answers. You must be very rich.
FFF

Well, FFF, we still haven’t figured out how to kill sad little Trump-suckers like you without going to jail.

 

MOUTHBREATHER

That story was Fuh-reekin' Genius!  Great, fun read.

Wish you could have attended that party...she wore a pink Marie Antioinette wig?  Really?   Wow.

Roger Helton

Dear Roger,
Yeah, man. Really. Wow.

 

GUY HATES OTHER GUY

marc croce and the buckin buffalo
that bar is fuckin horrible. but the worst is released in that men's bathroom. send your people there on a saturday nite to investigate around 3 am. it is overfilled with sewage all over the floors. and worst of all you,u have all female attention-crazed skanky bartenders dancing ontop the bar to the same retarded songs over and over-and they are bad at it. please go there and investigate. everyone loves a good croce bashing.bring your pocketbook though. ten dollars to park accross the street, $4 to get in, $4 to ride the buffalo, and $4 for a bud light.so basically $22 bucks to walk in and have a bud like the degenerates inside.marc croce-what an american.
John

Dear John,
They don’t call ‘em shit-kickers for nothing, you know; they call them that because they are unsophisticated bumpkins who enjoy what is pretty much children’s music.

 

INSIDE “JOB”

I'm not going to rant on about 9/11, And I think Dick Cheney should have been #1 But for someone like yourself if you don't trust the government like I don' trust the government why do you believe their lies about 9/11?
WTC 7 says it all, and Larry Silverstein said it all too. And if they knew planes were hijacked, then why not warn others in the second tower to evacuate? As the story goes, employers told them to get back to work. I could go on and on.
Thank You,
Mary Roache

Dear Mary,
No, we don’t trust the government, but we trust you even less. Perhaps we could establish a more intimate bond with some holding exercises.

 

HOW GREAT WE ART

Good stuff all around, immeasurably enhanced by Murphy's bang-on caricatures. His Coulter...! His Haggard...! his Carville! but mainly his Snow! Perfection.

Thank you thank you one and all.

Scott Freutel
Seattle

Dear Scott,
Murphy is indeed a great artist, and to prove it he will send part of his own ear to a lucky subscriber. Just send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: Murphy’s Ear c/o The Beast, 712 Main Street, Buffalo, NY, and be the lucky one to receive his bloody, gangrenous evidence of artistic merit! Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Offer void in New York State, or anywhere else. Okay, the truth is he’s 30% squid and he can just imagine a picture and reproduce it precisely in seconds by squirting ink from a special gland under his testicles. It’s kind of gross.

 

LOVES GUYS

I fucking love you guys (and girls)! I just discovered you on reddit.com. I will visit every day. Thanks also for the Chomsky interview. Hit him up more often.

Best,
-Craig

Dear Craig,
We understand some people dislike Chomsky, but we really don’t think it’s appropriate to “hit him up.” He seems a bit frail.

 

THE MORE YOU KNOW

There are more than one way that creationists profit from their willful ignorance about evolution.  The first wasy has to do with their perception of "The Great Commission" to convert non-believers to their brand of Christianity.  It is the idea that the more souls that one saves, the better one's chances in the afterlife.  The secondary way is simply the monetary and political offshoot of the first.  The more converts, the more money and political power.
William Schaffer

Dear William,
Thanks for that report. Coming up: more on Anna Nicole’s large-breasted corpse.

 

ENEMY SYMPATHIZER

This was so funny - and I am a Republican - the damned neocons you skewered have screwed my party.
Limited government my a$$. It's more like "give our corporate buddies money".
Ralph

Dear Ralph,
Join us. We suck too, but in a quainter, less world-threatening way.

 

THE PUSSY OF THE CHRIST

I think you were out of line when you type words like "Jesus is a pussy."  I'm liberal too but I'm also a Christian and I was deeply offended that you would say that, (even in a sarcastic manner)  You crossed the line with that.  I would never say anything that sinister about any religious figurehead whether Christian or not.  That was in very poor taste.  Please remember to retain some semblance of respect for other's beliefs.  There is a fine line between joking and disrespecting.  Jesus is a big part of my life, and I joke all the time about my religion and poke fun at it, but what you said was too much and was very disrespectful.  Maybe you guys were intending to be disrespectful in order to get feedback but I would just ask you be considerate of other's beliefs and devotions.. Thats all
Sean Windle

Dear Sean,
What about our beliefs, Sean; specifically our belief that you are a mental toddler who can’t give up the nipple. Why should we respect your beliefs when they're so patently stupid? If we believed that Zoot the saxophone-playing Muppet was the one true god, or the ambassador to Uzbekistan for that matter, you wouldn’t respect that; you’d laugh. Well, ha ha Jesus and ha ha you, Sean. Hail Zoot!

 

CIVIL DISCOURSE

I was so impressed by your nihilistic musings that I am prepared to offer you the opportunity eat the dogshit in my yard! For a small fee I'll even let you photograph your staff gobbling the rotting feces  so that you can post the fun here at Beast.

Fucking kill yourselves before you replicate your DNA.
lugh lampfhota

Too late, lugh! Your mom's pregnant with our nihilistic seed! It’s remarkable, really; considering how greedily she slurped our baby gravy out of her own crotch, that any was left over to join your family! Oh, the irony! So, to recap: Your mother is a filthy whore.

 

ACTUAL EXAMPLE OF LIBERAL BIAS

Yank Pelosi off the list and replace her with David Addington, who can best be described as the White House's Evil Fake Genius' Evil Real Genius.  Also, where's Rove?  (I'd add Alberto Gonzales, Schwarzenegger and Tom Cruise, but we musn't get greedy...)
Bruce Moomaw

Dear Bruce,
The only thing we’d be inclined to yank Pelosi off is a high diving board over an empty pool. Rove is under your bed.

 

HOW ORIGINAL

You guys

Charges: failing to put OPRAH on the list, a billionare whose sole purpose in life is to get everyone to kiss her ass, a beast who has never had an original thought or utterance in her life.

Exhibit A: also failing to put Katy at CBS on the list

Sentence: must stay up late tonight and work on expanded list of 52 Most Loathsome

Lewis Chapp

Dear Lewis,
We already did Oprah. It was traumatic; we don’t like to talk about it.

 

WE’RE FLAMING

You guys are on fire!  Give us more or this.  I haven't read anything so bone-shaving since Hunter S.
Holy crap,
Diana Grove

Dear Diana,
We’re on fire? WHERE? GET IT OFF!! GET IT—AAAAHHHH! OH MY GOD! PLEASE GOD WHY? WHYYYY? PUT IT OUT! OH GOD!!! HOLY… Oh, okay, you mean figuratively. Thanks, Diana! You can shave our bone anytime.

 

THE CANS FROM HOPE

You should have had Hillary in there somewhere.  She's the one-word answer to, "How will the Democrats blow it this time (and end up allowing your number 1 dickhead to get in)?"
JHM

Dear JHM,
Yeah, we did that one last year. And something tells us she’ll make the cut next year. But it is a sad fact—Rudy McCain will definitely kick Hillary Obama’s ass in the general.

 

GOING PLACES

Paul-
Time to change course.  The mainstream is watching and citing to the Beast!  See Talking Points Memo. (January 20, 2007 -- 08:00 AM EST) 
all my best,
Tom B.

Dear Tom,
Where’s our gift basket? These M&Ms are not the color we requested!

 

UNDERFOXED

So where's Bill O'Reilly?  Where's Sean Hannity?  Where's Roger Ailes?  Any of these shameless skull-fuckers emits more loathsomeness before they've quaffed their morning cup o' than poor Madonna has in her entire addled life.  You guys be whacked.
Peter Dierauf

Dear Peter,
What’s with the Madonna defense brigade, darling? Did she rock your world on the Truth or Dare tour? Did you fall for her in Desperately Seeking Susan? Or is it just her strategy of plundering gay culture like Elvis looted the negro?

 

ANOTHER ATTENTIVE READER

You may add Allan Uthman and Ian Murphy to the bottom of your list.

Charges:  Dedicated character assassins who suffer from delusions of their own superiority to all they survey, these encyclopedists of trivia are completely blind to their own nearsightedness,ignorance and immaturity. ("What we don't know isn't worth knowing.  What we don't value isn't worth valuing.  How can you assholes be so stupid?") Hostile and aggressive as junkyard dogs, and as pleased with their potty mouths as a smartass eight-year-old looking to shock the adults, they stand ready to trashtalk anything they don't understand. And clearly there is much they don't yet understand.  Even when they're  right -- and they often are -- they're wrong.

Exhibit A:  this list.

Sentence:  to be caricatured themselves as they caricature others.

Malamiyya

Dear Malamiyya,
Frankly, we thought this joke was funnier when we did it.

 

ALL YOU NEED IS LOATHE

50 Most Lothsome

you are all idiots, must be miserable waking up daily only to get off by putting down people that have accomplished more than your family trees combined
Don

You would think so, Don, but actually it's quite invigorating. Quite "lothsome" of us, to be sure.

 

AUNT THOMASINA

Wonderful....! Please consider doing a supplement and adding "Sleazy Rice", Bush's Whorehouse Piano Player with bad teeth and no particluar skills whatsoever!
F.M. Gardner

Dear F.M.,
No.

 

AN ARMY OF WHEN

Matt Taibbi's article about the futility in Iraq sounds about right from what I've heard on the inside.  I'm a so-far undeployed infantryman waiting for the orders to come down to be part of this surge we're talking about.  Most of the people I'm around on a daily basis are vets awaiting their second, or in some cases third, tour over in the mess.  That's what I'll refer to it as when I come home to Buffalo on leave in July.  "Yeah, I'm supposed to go over to The Mess in a few months."

I'm not going over there thinking I'm going to win anything.  I'm not even sure I'm really helping anyone aside from those who are going with me.  So, there we have it -I am going to fight so that I can "sustain my own presence", for no discernible reason, aside from helping others who are there for the same reason: because that's what the-powers-that-be want. 

Our higher-ups try and get us psyched up about our jobs like we're actually making any difference, but if we are, I fear it's difference for the worse.  Hell, I'm pretty damn sure.  We don't have any business there. 

Ah well, I chalk it up to life experience -provided I come back with a life.

Yeah, I know, it's my fault for joining up, but there's good money in death these days and I wouldn't know exactly what I was in for if it weren't actually in for it.

Maybe it didn't have to be so fucking dumb though...
B. Morrison

Dear B.,
You can’t fool us—John McCain and Joe Lieberman already told us you soldiers want to stay in Iraq. Those guys are so supportive!

 

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

A lot of confusion about what John McCain is all about comes from mistaking physical courage for political courage. In terms of physical courage, there are few people in America who have shown more than McCain. In terms of political courage, there are few people in America who have shown less. When faced against North Vietnamese torturers, he showed incredible resolve. When faced with the press, Democrats, neo-conservatives and virtually anyone else in the political theatre, he has been completely and utterly weak, gutless and cowardly. The neo-conservative Christian-supremacist Dixiecrat Taliban-wannabees stole the Republican Party mainly because whores like McCain laid back, closed their eyes and let themselves be raped because they somehow got it into their teeny little heads that these people were better than the Democrats. Now that they've repeatedly proven that they're hundreds of times worse, the paleo-conservatives still suck up to the neo-conservatives in order to maintain Party unity; proving that their loyalty is not to the country but to the Party. If McCain and his ilk had any political balls at all, they would throw out the Falwells, Robertsons, Bushes, Rowes, Ashcrofts and the rest of the big-government worshiping Osama-clones and take the party back, as real conservatives would do. It won't happen. They don't really seem to care anymore.
Tarkus

Ah yes, Tarkus, it takes great courage to be captured, imprisoned, and tortured. A lesser man than McCain would have... would have... if you can finish this sentence, please write to us and let us know.

 

CHUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER

Dear Beast (Dear Matt),
you are too harsh on your own country. After all, aren't you an American? It's hard to see any one in the Taliban asking the questions about their holy jihad that you are asking about the American Jihad.
You are of course correct, the lies, and the lying liars who tell them should be exposed. But please don't become too sucessful. Living in New Zealand as I do, you would be depriving me of great live TV; we don't get Darfur Public Broadcasting here.
Death, mayhem, terrorism, (I don't really care, a dead American is just as asthetically pleasing as a dead terrorist - marvellous equality in death -), it's all good fun, and profitable I'm told. Buy some shares in Reytheon, Haliburton, BP, and let the good times roll.
Rob.
P.S. I am not a cynic.

Dear Rob,
Taibbi is by far too successful to read your letter, let alone respond to it. It’s funny; we’ve never had a bad thought for New Zealand, but suddenly it seems like a logical bombing target. What are you going to do, Rob, throw marsupials at us?

 

WATER SPORT

I am humbled by your incisive, beautiful, superbly written list! I am a newspaper editor in Connecticut and I have an alter-ego blog - pissedoffmike.com - in which I unsuccessfully attempt to rise to your level of biting political discourse. I am going to go home and burn my laptop now. Rock on!

Love the Hunter S. vibe!!!!

MM

Dear Mike,
Not that we’re into this sort of thing, but you’d probably get a lot more page hits if it was called “pissedonmike.com.”

 

NOT ENTIRELY UNLIKE A VIRGIN

I hated this article. Then I liked it. But leave Madonna alone. She is as harmless as they come.
Joe

Dear Joe,
That’s true, if by “they” you mean super-narcissists who spend their days pretending to be somebody else, paying exorbitant sums of money for religious charlatans to tell them they’re perfect, and using children as publicity devices. Tom Cruise is much worse.

 

PUCLIC INTELLIGENC BREEFING

Thought I should send a note that homosexuality is not part of the kingdom of God.  Nice try in selling criticism of puclic figures as intelligenc.  Go back to your trailer court and be try to be intelligent with your retarded relatives.
X

Dear X,
Hahahahahahahaha! Heee hee hee, oh man! Woo hoo hoo hooo! You are really too much! Thanks for the laughs!

 

AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL

I recntly was given a copy of Beast and found it filled a vacuum in print media. I am a Pittsburgh resident and am interested in alt media. I currently am employed at Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
Mike McGrath

Dear Mike,
That’s okay—we’ll still take your money.

 

GIBBARDISH

Ben Gibbard? Loathsome?

Of course, I respect your opinion, but Ben Gibbard? It is true that it seems impossible for them to recreate the music live in concert (thats why I don't care to see them) but the stuff he writes is so... entertaining. There are so many different ways to see the writing. I don't know how to explain it but you can get lost in it. I love the stuff. and i would love to know who you think is a respectable musician/ songwriter. So please do tell.
Alex

Dear Alex,
Entertaining? We haven’t listened to Plans in months and we’re still waiting for the drums to kick in. We’re not going to run off a list of our favorite tunesters, but just to give you the gist, Justin Timberlake edges out Gibbard in our book. And we hate him.

 

ALIENS ATE MY EVIDENCE

Dear sirs,
     I wish to express my dismay at your choice of Alex Jones for your Loathsome list. Not his inclusion in it, he brings ridicule upon himself and it is perfectly valid and funny to include him, but shouldn't he at least be less loathsome than Ryan Seacrest or Gerald Ford? I mean fuck!!! Seacrest!!! FORD!!!!! If he's really a schizo paranoid moron can you really blame a guy for that? Also, he isn't exactly a leftist. He worked for Pat Buchanan's Presidential campaign at one time. And the left needs no assistance to make it appear foolish in the eyes of others... same goes for the right wing.  As penence for this infraction you must remove the pinky fingers of all white males in your office and feed them to the reanimated corpse of Bill Hicks who will appear in three days with a thirst only thumbs can quench. God help you should you deny him that release.
     Sincerely,
           Henry Krinkle
           Austin, Tx

Dear Henry,
Only if Hicks does ten minutes or so on the drug war. He kills on that issue.

 

UNDERSTANDS

Oh, I get it.  You're all perfect.  Ptoooey!
Mark Gomez

Dear Mark,
Of course not. Just better than you.

 

 

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