Beast Banner April 2007
ISSUE #115
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Features

ArrowPresident Rubber vs. Speaker Glue
Pelosiís scarf and GOP barf

Allan Uthman

ArrowIn Defense of Ann Coulter?
Conservatives have a right to be assholes, just like real people

Paul Fallon

ArrowWithdrawal Symptoms
Iraq timetable’s a political fix

Matt Taibbi

ArrowJesus Christ!
People will believe anything

Ian Murphy

ArrowWhat, Me Worry?
Iranians aren’t scared of a U.S. attack

Russ Wellen

ArrowLandslide of Failure
The battle for election integrity is led by... the Governor of Florida?

Brad Friedman

ArrowDeregulation Killed my Cat
Food contamination: the Bush legacy

Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Whining Minority
Republican congressman turns from bully to baby

Matt Taibbi

ArrowIt's tax time again and I want to maul you
A.Rabid Dog

ArrowContradictum
Self-refuting quotations from the world of politics

ArrowBonobos vs. Chimps
A Debate for Lemur Philosophers

A. Monkey

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Censored Chocolate Jesus

ArrowKino Korner: Movies
Are We Done Yet?, Grindhouse, Blades of Glory, Pride, Reign Over Me, The Lookout, The Reaping, Perfect Stranger, Vacancy, Fracture

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your ethereal guide

Arrow[sic] - Letters
A Very Thin Hope, Classy, Mile High Club, Equal Rights Harassment, Kiwi Fruit and more

 

Beast-O-Scopes


Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aires
If there were ever a case to be made for karma, Aries, it’s your diseased colon. Toeing the Republican line over at FOX News was bad enough, but becoming press secretary? You can only sit on the truth so long before it crawls up your ass and kills you, Aries.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus

Taurus, if you say the word “Sanjaya” one more time, I’ll be forced to consult my book of spells and have you struck by lighting. If that doesn’t work out I’ll just run you over with my car.



Gemini (May 21 -June 20)

Gemini

What happened to you, Gemini? In the late seventies and early eighties you really knew how to mistreat and hold on to your hostages. You’d keep them for years without flinching, but now you give them tea, force a confession, parade them in front of the cameras and let them go as an “Easter gift?” Weak, Gemini.

 


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer
Way to go for standing up to O’Reilly, Cancer! Being able to delineate between immigration and drunk driving issues almost redeems you for gluing that poor hamster to your upper lip.

 


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo

Leo, you need to calm down and face the facts. Your cat’s kidneys are not failing because of tainted Chinese wheat gluten; it’s failing because it drinks heavily when you leave the house.

 


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo

Virgo, your recent tour of a Baghdad market caught you a lot of flak because the 100 troops, 2 Blackhawk helicopters, gun ships and Kevlar vest protecting you made your claims of “progress” laughable. But did you know the day after you left insurgents murdered 21 grocers from the very same market? Way to go, putz.

 


Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)

Libra

Your recent proclamation to become “the Robert Mugabe of the soprano saxophone” will turn out as badly as the time you aimed to be “the Kenny G of Zimbabwean politics.”

 


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio

Your mother isn’t really that hot, Scorpio, and even if she were, that’s a really creepy thing to say.

 

 


Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, although you may be inclined to support a Fred Thompson bid for president because of the credibility he projected on Law & Order, it’s important to remember he was also in Aces: Iron Eagles III.

 


Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Capricorn

Capricorn, all those whale fat sandwiches aren’t fooling anyone. Everyone knows your not a real Inuit.  Poser.

 

 


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius

I’ve consulted the stars for you, Aquarius, and they recommend you try converting hydrogen into helium through the process of nuclear fusion.

 


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces

Pisces, I don’t care how much money you raised; there’s no way in hell we’ll ever elect a Mormon president. Envisioning yourself bathing in worms to quell masturbatory urges is just weird, and don’t get me started on the “magic underwear” thing.

 

 

register your indignation here

 

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