BEAST PAGE 3 Non-threatening Negro Literature
Do You!: 12 Laws to Access the Power in You to Achieve Happiness and Success,
by Russell Simmons and some white guy named Chris Morrow
Turn-Ons: Conspicuous consumption, Ice Cube’s family films,
thousand-dollar sneakers, Tyra’s jugs, Oprah’s control of American cashflow.
Turn-Offs: Homey the Clown, Huey P. Newton, Black kids who
say “nigga,” the IRS.
How I got to be the Beast Page 3 Non-threatening Negro Literature:
After Oprah named me, she said that since everyone was falling for Barak Obama
and saying how nice he was, she thought it was my time to show that my author
Russell Simmons was also very harmless. When the Wall Street Journal featured
me in its Airplane Reading section, lauding Russell’s “civilizing sensibility,”
I knew The Beast guys would be impressed. After all, we’re all green on the
inside. That’s why Russell’s hero, Donald Trump, wrote my forward. If I can’t
show that even black people can aspire to become heartless, megalomaniacal
wealth-acquiring machines, how can we expect them to assimilate into American
Future Plans: To convince television executives that I’m
a great vehicle to launch Russell’s reality television career, leading African-Americans
everywhere to shell out $25 for my inspiring words.
How I’d like to be remembered: As a milestone of the decade
when rich officially replaced white.