Beast Banner May/June 2007
ISSUE #117
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ArrowLet There be Retards
My Special Time at the Creation Museum

Ian Murphy

ArrowGhosts of Tim Leary & Hunter S. Thompson
Freedom vs. Authority under the 40-foot pulsating rainbow vagina
Joe Bageant

ArrowThose Lazy Iraqis
It's hard to pull up your socks when your legs have been blown off

Allan Uthman

ArrowHoward Zinn's Message of Hope
Extortion through inaction

A Monkey

ArrowThe Secret to Attaining Awesomeness
A lucrative six-step program
Phillip Kolba

ArrowJerry Falwell: Stone Fucking Dead at Last
A fond farewell
Matt Cale

ArrowAn Open Letter to Libertarians
An offer you can't refuse
Stan Goff

ArrowExperts: Cockburn Adds to Global Warming
Liberal pudit trades positions with GM

Charles Komanoff


ArrowThe Beast Page 3
Non-threatening Negro Literature

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters


FILM FLAM come you dont write reviews AFTER you’ve seen the movie anymore? You speculate on how the movie’s going to be and then call it a review. That’s not a review. I always liked your critiques of movies. Is it just because I’m reading the online version and by the time the press hits you’ll have written a full review? Or am I just retarded?


Dear Luke,

You’re assuming Gildea ever actually saw the movies he reviewed before.


I love my God. I hate organized religion. I have heard it said “it’s not God I have a problem with, it’s his fan club.”


Dear Tommy,

We’ve also heard it said, “People who make up stuff and then decide to believe it are weak-minded children.” In fact we just heard that a minute ago, coming out of our mouths.


From a honest taxpayer, prior service member, FUCK YOU you useless piece of crap [“The BEAST Last Minute Tax Guide & Civil Disobedience Primer,” 115]. I assume you are on welfare and food stamps as well. Is there anything else I can give you for free, shitheat?

Mark Lukow

Dear Mark,

Uh, sure… Do you have any daughters?



Great article on John Stossel!!!

I have seen the same progression in him over the years that you have.

Then again I have seen the same progression in ABC news. Sadly enough.

I can not watch Stossel anymore, I saw the report you comment on, but shut him off after one segment.

The irony is, that ABC’s 20/20 started at the big slide from the heights of the Oil orgy and subsequent Corporate coup as “America held Hostage Day 444.”

It is no surprise really that Disney has mirrored this evolution.

I remember gas prices shooting up from 60 cents to $1.40. We are that that same crossroads.

Will we make the same mistake again and put our fate in the hands the Outsourcers?

BB NewYork

Dear BB,

Yes. Yes we will. Already have. Aren’t you paying attention?


WTF! is the Beast now a Quarterly Journal? You guys get paid to huff paint thinner and rant about the subsequent paranoid hallucinations. The least you could do is put your issues out more or less on time. Please! It’s not like i’m asking you to leave your filthy semen-encrusted swivel chairs and do some actual investigative reporting or anything like that. Just pour out some mindless bile every other week I’ll be happy. Did you all decide to renounce your bitter nihilism and apply for jobs at Artvoice?

Jacob Hammerslag

Dear Jacob,

No, we just got more lazy. If you have a problem with that, we suggest you pay us to give a shit.


Dear Mr Fellon,

for the quote that the reason for the existance of ‘Time’ and ‘Newsweek’, is to reassure, “mildly intelligent citizens that American politics still makes sense,”I say thanks, and I doff my cap, cheers [“In defense of Ann Coulter,” 115]! These rolls of toilet-paper deserve all the shit anyone can heap upon them, and their ‘balnced’ shite reporting. I mean, who the hell would take a paper seriously that gives Charles Krauthammer a podium.

Ann is of course the vile tart you make her out to be, but she is at least an honest (if I can use the word, ‘honest’ for such a scurrolous bint)fascist.

Anna Quindlen is to me at least, a peculiarly American animal. This type would shake the President’s hand because his ‘office’ deserves respect; right? This is just fucking crazy. If he’s a shit, treat him as one. If I ever got to the Oval Office I would hope to NATURE that I would have the balls to have a dump on his desk.

 Anna Quindlen, and her ilk are the arbiters of political idiocy. Don’t they understand it is a simple game of them and us, that decency and politics make strange bedfellows, that Wolfowitz will hang on to the ‘lie’ more strongly than Blair to Bush.

Anyway, fuck Ann! And I don’t of course mean ‘fuck Ann’, you’d have to be blind, or desperate, probably both to fuck that 46 year old female impersonator. Seriously, I’ve seen more convincing women in a Sydney ‘female impersonating’ chorus line; Ann is one weird looking, ‘human growth hormone injecting’ individual.


Dear Rob,

We doubt that the editors of Time would actually give the wheelchair-bound Krauthammer a podium. They’re just not that funny.


Actually thought you were a little easy on Ann.

Quinlan that is.The line to bash the Queen of Slime, Coulter,forms on the right , and appropriately snakes on down to the left there to be smothered with over starched hair shirts and boiled in no trans fat oil, for ever and ever amen.

Tim Shea

Dear Tim,

You need to work on your subject-verb agreement.


Bush is also planning on cutting 2 billion in funding that Congress passed last year regarding public broadcasting (PBS and public radio) to which 4 billion, I believe, was previously awarded [The Britney Budget,” 114].

I petitioned and sent it everywhere and the only one who answered me back was Congressman Higgins.

Susan Marie

Dear Susan,

Higgins just can’t get enough of that Antiques Roadshow.


Mr. Ian Murphy,

I am praying for you! [Jesus Christ! People Will Believe Anything,” 115]


Dear Lori,

See, the thing is, we know that this is what profanity-inhibited Jesus freaks like you say when you really want to kick our teeth in and set us on fire. But remember, Lori, God can read your mind. He’s listening to your thoughts, and trying to cover those thoughts up by “praying” for Murphy only compounds your sinful nature. You’re going to hell, Lori. Pray for yourself.


hey beau fleuve

i just had a conversation with an english teacher who doesnt know who Norman Mailer is. He has never heard of Ginsbergs “Howl.” i actually had to write “ginsbergs ‘howl’“ there, lest your readers think that i think that they think that i think that mailer wrote howl.

cmon who needs conspiracies in a nation full of crappies and fucking retards. in fact, you are a bo-tard.

vonce o’whora

Dear Vonce,

Your English teacher may be ignorant when it comes to 20th century American lit, but we bet he knows how to capitalize and use apostrophes. Well, capitalize anyway. Nobody knows how to use apostrophes anymore. Don’t get us started on semicolons. By the way, if we’re bo-tards, what does that make you, complaining about retards to us? A bo-tard’s bo-tard?


 Dear Evil Publisher

Taibbi wonders why humiliation of US presidential candidates by the forth estate is a routine part of the political process [“Trail of Tiers,” 116]:

“There must be something to it -- it must be beneficial to the American power apparatus somehow to demean the individuals who seek to occupy its highest offices. Maybe it’s because while dignified human beings are unpredictable, an old turned-out whore can be counted on to do anything for forty bucks -- and these are the kinds of people we need in the White House. Who knows what it is.”

Of course, more generally, what is really being ridiculed and trivialised is democracy. But why? The only sensible answer I’ve come accross is given by Noam Chomsky. In his view, the powers that be don’t want “the people” to particiate in the political process, in other words, they don’t want democracy to work. A weak democracy ensures the primacy of private power.

The benefit to the American power apparatus provided by its constant mockery of democratic institutions is a failed democracy.

This does not do great justice to Chomsky’s arguments on the point, but I think I’ve got the guts of it.


Dear Norpois,

Could be. Or maybe Americans are just so amazingly stupid, their priorities so incredibly screwed up, and their concepts of governmental logistics so impossibly vague, that they demand such idiotic coverage because it’s the only thing they understand. Maybe the press doesn’t make the people stupid, but vice versa. After all, these people still think what the country needs is more Reagan.


For the most part, I agree with the article, but am curious as to whether Mr. Taibbi considers the use of bullshit, as purveyed by Obama, a systematic necessity to even have a chance at becoming president? I’d appreciate a response. Thanks

Greg Westneat

Dear Greg,

Yes. We’re fairly certain he does.


Monkey did not leave an email so I’m sending this to you as Evil Editor in Chief.

A. Monkey totally missed the boat on Buddhism in his piece on Sam Harris. He seems to imply that Buddhists worship Buddha as a God. Not so. Buddha was just another human being. He worked hard to find the truth about existence, and he shared that truth with others. His path is worth emulating, but there is no worship involved.

This is a major mistake by A. Monkey. This kind of thing

brings down the credibility of your fine rag. Even if you make a sarcastic response, I know that your integrity means a lot to you guys. I would pay a close eye to Monkey from now on.


D Goddard

Williamsville NY

Dear D,

Frankly, you don’t seem to understand common Buddhism at all, so you’ll understand if we don’t seem too upset. But yeah, we’re REAL concerned, like, a WHOLE LOT.



Buddha is a “god” ?

Buddhism is non-deist.

You misrepresent Mr. Harris then attack the misrepresentation.

Prayer in the more esoteric Christian tradition is very similar to meditation, and would likely show the same physiological benefits.

Prayer as commonly practiced in christianity i.e. “Dear God, please make 2 plus 2 equal to five for my personal benefit “

Not so much.

Mr Harris’ point about torture, as I understand it, is that we can’t cluster bomb civilians from 30,000 feet and then claim any kind of moral high ground on the issue.

Your understanding of said point, I find severely lacking.

While I and others are a bit uncomfortable with “The End of Faith”‘s comments on Islam, it is hard to argue for moral relativism in regard to the potential societal harm in assessing the major faiths.

You sign your screed anonymously and yet demand my name to comment.

Merrill Clark

Dear Merrill,

You could have typed anything you want, you know. You could have typed “Person who doesn’t realize many Buddhists do deify the Buddha,” for instance, and that’s the way it would have read on the e-mail. Just so you know.


I read Harris’ book The End of Faith and was thrilled that someone in the USA was willing to take on religion. Then I read the second half and became disenchanted on his support for Israeli government policies, torture, etc. And of course there was the endorsement by Dershowitz that was unsettling. I wondered if the book was written to draw support from atheists to the Israeli cause. Needless to say, I was dissappointed in the book and agree with your analysis.

Tom Barcus

Dear Tom,

The Almighty Buddha will strike you down with his amazing clapping hand!


I see one of your masthead signed this article “a monkey,” knowing too well such asinine text wouldn’t look good on the curriculum vita.

That Harris’ book sells well simply because, contra Mr. Primate, the American bookstore shelf has precious fewer countertheistic books available than, say, “Left Behind” volumes. That I am accused of reading the book because I want to torture Muslims is a direct insult to me, I who have never met or said word one previously to ol’ feces-flinger.

And then you go on to apotheosize Siddartha Gautama to a god, demonstrating that the ape in question is ignorant indeed.

I would suggest that in the future, you clowns should find a human to proofread output of your monkey with a typewriter.


Dear Jeffrey,

OK, enough. It’s true that not all Buddhists consider Buddha a god, but it’s also true that a lot of them do. Mahayana, one of the two major Buddhist sects, practiced widely in China, Taiwan, Japan, Korea, and Vietnam, considers the Buddha “an eternal, immutable, inconceivable, omnipresent Being” (Wikipedia). Sounds like a god to us. They even capitalized “being.” So there.


Did you actually read the book or some review by someone else?

Your conclusions are inventions of fantasy and simply show your theistic bias.

Got any supernatural abracadabra solutions for George Bush? Oh, must be another faith based initiative.

Michael J. Germain

Dear Michael,

Did you actually read The BEAST or are you basing your mischaracterizations on your own poor comprehension of a single article? That’s downright hilarious, our “theistic bias.”



Buddha is NOT a God.

Zen has no God but two other branches of Buddhism do have reformed to have higher powers.

The Hindus also do not have a GOD. They have multiple deities.

And on and on....

Thom Prentice

A Monkey responds:

Sorry Thom, I slipped. I meant to say that it¹s a tricky thing, the taxonomy of holy figures. The Buddha is a god to some, and a deity to others. To me he’s a cheap, cone-shaped plastic figurine they put in my cage that I stick up my ass when the mood strikes me (Buddha¹s fat ripples work just like the ribs on any other butt plug).


Maybe the best article I’ve read in a year, including in the Beast no less [Battle of the Network Stars,” issue 116, web only].

Seriously, it (the problem with most US media) is the priorities of the “news makers” (read multi-national corporations)which obviously directs the priorities of not just the candidates, but of the general public, making us all the more ignorant in the process.

I was very happy to see it wasn’t just another well written bitch piece (media critique). There was actual news of consequence. Holy shit, fucking news. I know you’re a website, and your distribution of the actual “Beast” is relatively limited, but this (as you know) is some of the best journalism in America right now.

Seriously, fucking great writing/insight. I’d ask if you would send a subscription to Taiwan, but, I’ll just read it online.

So I’m guessing you want money anyway. So sell me a t-shirt or something (I’m not looking hard, but I don’t see any), or a cd of Michael Gildae reading the back of a cereal box while he what? kills a live chicken? Anything. I know you may... possibly have socialist tendencies but for Christs sake expand your product base. A book, throw together a book, the book of the Beast, there’s a title, it’s yours. A freaking coloring book, have a few covers you can color in, then add some lewd political cartoons to color in. Mugs? Do you even have mugs???? C’mon on!

And maybe you do have all these things, maybe you’re hording them, because I don’t see a link on your site for them.

And the only reason I care about any of these things (other than the fact that I would probably buy something) is that Battle of the... is an excellent article and more people need to hear about such stories, but they won’t not if you go out of business.

But what do I know? Maybe and I hope this is true, you don’t need it as much as I think you may.

Alright.... regardless, thanks.


Dear Jon,

We’d love to sell you a subscription, but nobody gets our precious mugs!


Excellent article, Allan Uthman. I haven’t heard anyone but you and Taibbi step back from this horse race bullshit and call it what it is. It’s refreshing, in a really depressing kind of way.

Aaron Hotfelder

Dear Aaron,

Kind of like Fiji water.





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