Beast Banner October 2007
ISSUE #120
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Features

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
Our guide to mind-boggling presidential illusions! You won't believe your eyes!

ArrowGhostbusters
Democrats cross streams in Turkey
Allan Uthman

ArrowYear of the Rat
A campaign 2008 diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAll About the Benjamin
Canada boots CodePink leader
Ian Murphy

ArrowDuh, Hillary is a Woman
The inevitable vadge in chief
A Monkey

ArrowCritical Massimo
A chat with Massimo Pigliucci, godless heathen

ArrowSo Sleazy an Ad Man can do It
The evolution of product placement
Steve Gordon

ArrowParty Poopers
Rehab for Grand Old Perverts
Rich Herschlag

ArrowSome Brief Thoughts on Abortion
Proffesor H. T. Muttonchops

ArrowInterview with Ron Hawkins
Lowest of the Low frontman is surprisingly un-stupid

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowPastor John Hagee Launched on Iranian Nuclear Facility

ArrowBritney Spears' Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria

ArrowDan Jumbo Threatens Local Wildlife

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Freaky Sci-fi Reality

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowActual Movie Review: The Darjeeling Limited
Matt Cale

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

  Spears’ Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Sources close to Britney Spears’ inner circle have confirmed reports that some components of the fallen diva’s cellular structure may have once lived freely as bacteria. Mitochondria, known as the “powerhouse of the cell,” provides Spears’ cells with much needed oxygen. According to OK! Magazine, the relationship between Spear’s mitochondrial organelles and her eukaryotic animal cells is thought to have evolved approximately 1.6 - 2.1 billion years ago through symbiosis.

It is estimated by scientists that Spears has upwards of a trillion individual cells, each containing the bacteria-descended mitochondria. “That’s, like, gross,” says long-time fan Jennifer Wilkes. “After all she’s gone through lately with the VMA melt-down and the loss of her children that I felt sorry for her, but now, I don’t know if I can ever look at her the same way again, knowing that she’s genetically related to early bacterial life forms.”

Senator Sam Brownback has echoed this popular concern and plans to move for Spears’ impeachment. “We will not tolerate celebrities who harbor bacteria!—especially fatties!” Brownback spoke passionately to a group of delighted supporters on Friday.

Hearings are scheduled for early November.

 

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