Pastor
John Hagee Launched
on Iranian Nuclear Facility
PERSIAN GULF—Texan evangelical preacher John Hagee was fired from
a custom-made missile battery on the aircraft carrier USS Nimitz early
Tuesday morning, according to French and Russian intelligence agencies.
The bloated Christian Zionist leader and author of Jerusalem Countdown
was aimed at the Natanz Uranium Enrichment Facility, two hundred miles
south of Tehran. The preemptive strike is thought to be part of a joint
venture by US and Israeli forces to “decapitate” Iranian nuclear
capabilities and hasten the coming apocalypse, weather permitting.
Neither the US nor Israel have confirmed the attack, but French sources
claim Hagee was fitted with a high-tech satellite positioning unit to
ensure accuracy. The Iranian nuclear plant is located nearly a hundred
feet underground in a concrete bunker, estimated to be at least ten feet
thick. Hagee was chosen for the mission over conventional weaponry for
the ability of his greasy hair and ultra-dense skull to penetrate and
destroy the underground facility.
Iran has yet to comment on or retaliate to the reported strike. According
to biblical scholar Glenn Beck, who refers to Hagee as “the Lord's
bunker buster,” the spirit of Hagee is “prophesied to be reincarnated
in the body of a mouse, gerbil, shrew or similar vermin, at which point
he’ll board an oil tanker and return to his Houston area ministry
to await the end times,” which Beck insists will come “any
minute now,” adding that he looked forward to the rapture, because
he is “absolutely not gay at all.”
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