Beast Banner October 2007
ISSUE #120
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Features

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
Our guide to mind-boggling presidential illusions! You won't believe your eyes!

ArrowGhostbusters
Democrats cross streams in Turkey
Allan Uthman

ArrowYear of the Rat
A campaign 2008 diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAll About the Benjamin
Canada boots CodePink leader
Ian Murphy

ArrowDuh, Hillary is a Woman
The inevitable vadge in chief
A Monkey

ArrowCritical Massimo
A chat with Massimo Pigliucci, godless heathen

ArrowSo Sleazy an Ad Man can do It
The evolution of product placement
Steve Gordon

ArrowParty Poopers
Rehab for Grand Old Perverts
Rich Herschlag

ArrowSome Brief Thoughts on Abortion
Proffesor H. T. Muttonchops

ArrowInterview with Ron Hawkins
Lowest of the Low frontman is surprisingly un-stupid

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowPastor John Hagee Launched on Iranian Nuclear Facility

ArrowBritney Spears' Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria

ArrowDan Jumbo Threatens Local Wildlife

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Freaky Sci-fi Reality

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowActual Movie Review: The Darjeeling Limited
Matt Cale

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Yes, Libra, your body is a cooperative aggregation of microscopic organisms, which are themselves similar networks of smaller organisms, and your consciousness merely a convenient illusion created by some of them. Still, you should call your mother once in a while.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
What are you even doing, Scorpio, talking about carbon dating? You don't know the first fucking thing about carbon dating, aside from what some creationist idiot said on the radio this morning, do you? In fact, I happen to know that, whenever you say the phrase "carbon dating," you picture two cartoon carbon atoms holding hands and smiling. Surprisingly, aside from the heads and limbs, the imaginary atoms are fairly accurate depictions of Buckminsterfullerenes.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You're not an asshole because you sell drugs, Sagittarius. You're an asshole because you sell shitty drugs that don't work. Stop being an asshole.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
I understand you're fond of saying that the troops know we can win in Iraq and we need to give them the chance, Capricorn, but yet another recent poll shows that three quarters of the troops in Iraq think we should get out within the next year. So shut the fuck up.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your secret laugh-suppression campaign to make your boyfriend feel like he's not funny is peculiar and cruel, Aquarius. You're basically just a mean old cunt, and I'm glad he's boning your half-sister. She laughs a lot, you know.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Pisces, your cross-genre blaxploitation/monster movie screenplay, "Godzilla Jones," will become an unlikely smash hit, but your career will be tragically cut short when you are crushed under a giant coke spoon during production, and plans to make your Yiddish Sci Fi epic, "Attack of the Jewmanoids," will fall flat.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
I know it's a classic show, once the best thing on TV, but it's time to face the truth: "The Simpsons" just isn't that good anymore, Aries. It's actually pretty mediocre at this point. And just try to tell me that movie wasn't dogshit. It's time to let go.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You will be killed by a drunk driver on Thursday, Taurus. But it's okay, because he's a celebrity.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, your ill-advised attempts to give yourself "Incredible Hulk Syndrome" are only going to give you anger issues and inoperable cancer. Turn off Fox News and the gamma ray generator now, and you may keep a testicle.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
For future reference, Cancer, killing a guy when all you were trying to do was shoot the cigarette out of his mouth does not qualify as accidental death. Ponder that for the next 35 years.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
It turns out that over half of lipstick contains lead, Leo. So really, your poor academic performance is directly connected to your mother's whorishness.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Your boss is a jerk, Virgo, but he is certainly not piping evil thoughts into your brain through your computer monitor. That's his secretary doing that.

 

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