Beast Banner October 2007
ISSUE #120
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Features

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
Our guide to mind-boggling presidential illusions! You won't believe your eyes!

ArrowGhostbusters
Democrats cross streams in Turkey
Allan Uthman

ArrowYear of the Rat
A campaign 2008 diary
Matt Taibbi

ArrowAll About the Benjamin
Canada boots CodePink leader
Ian Murphy

ArrowDuh, Hillary is a Woman
The inevitable vadge in chief
A Monkey

ArrowCritical Massimo
A chat with Massimo Pigliucci, godless heathen

ArrowSo Sleazy an Ad Man can do It
The evolution of product placement
Steve Gordon

ArrowParty Poopers
Rehab for Grand Old Perverts
Rich Herschlag

ArrowSome Brief Thoughts on Abortion
Proffesor H. T. Muttonchops

ArrowInterview with Ron Hawkins
Lowest of the Low frontman is surprisingly un-stupid

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowPastor John Hagee Launched on Iranian Nuclear Facility

ArrowBritney Spears' Mitochondria Descended from Bacteria

ArrowDan Jumbo Threatens Local Wildlife

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Freaky Sci-fi Reality

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowActual Movie Review: The Darjeeling Limited
Matt Cale

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

 

MICROSHYLOCKS

Microfinance has been everybody's darling recently, and I've read nary an ill word about it until the above article [Steve Gordon, “Who wants to be an imperial occupier?” issue 119]. What's the beef, apart from being a spit in the wind compared to the predatory nature of the IMF/World Bank/WTO?
Alex Kendziorski

Dear Alex,
Well, basically, when you lend money to penniless people and charge them three times what the bank is charging you, you're a loan shark. But we agree, “microfinance” is a much prettier term for it.

STARTING TO CRACK

I know you guys over there hate my fucking guts, because I'm an American patriot and ten year navy veteran, but I'm here to bury the hatchet.

While reading "The Jihad Next Door" by Tina Temple-Raston, I seen that your Beast made her book. pg. 267 NOTES Matt Taibbi "Ken Shroeder's Lost Weekend. The Lackawanna Six Case: A View from the cheap seats." Issue 10, October 11:24, 2002.

It's good reading. My view, is that they went over there to learn Jihad, but they found out that they weren't that radical.

But after 9-11, everything goes. They done fucked up real good.

It was right not to take any chance and lock these misguided men up.

That's how it goes. Everybody is someone's son, father Uncle, etc.,but not everyone goes to Afghanistan and trains with Osama bin Laden in an al-Qaeda terrorist camp.

I was in the Persian Gulf region and we visited Karachi Pakistan and it's one fucked up place.

We have to fight this war and win it. Winning is having Iraq and Afghanistan being able to be free and democratic with the ability to defend themselves.

Yes, there are many other reasons and oil is but one of them. Take that up with the glutonous Americans who have to buy big SUV's and trucks to drive their big fat asses around.

James Ziolkowski
Buffalo, NY
Ten Year Navy vet.

Dear James,
“After 9/11, everything goes.” Sure, they weren't terrorists, or even thinking about becoming terrorists, but hey—9/11! Sure, your concept of victory is an unattainable hallucination, but... 9/11! It's funny, because it almost seems like you want to admit we're right, but you've dug yourself so firmly into the War on Terra dogma that you feel you'd be losing your sense of self. Just look at that last line about fat Americans and their fat trucks—you sounds like a dope-smoking undergrad! Face it, James; your conscience, or your long-forgotten capacity for dispassionate analysis, is creeping in. That's what you get for reading books.

NO BOB FROST

wanted to say that your site and the info (especially the writing) is the well of reality. the diversity of topics and positions are a clue to minds thinking out side the box that you really do HAVE TO THINK outside the box.

i just had the pleasure and the enjoyment of being "cosmic directional routed" to your site and must say... ducking and dodging those meteors to get here was worth the shot out of the slingshot!

glen still
multi-dimensional poet
scofflaser.eyewrite.net

Dear Glen,
Glad you like us. Too bad you're a soft-skulled hippie. Poetry used to mean something; now it just means, “I'm inarticulate and hit the enter key every five words or so.”

THE ROSA PARKS OF STUPID PEOPLE

Dear Sirs,
Matt Taibbi is the most self-centered,egotistical,self-serving,assinine,self-righteous cuntbag on the damn planet!! And look who in the FUCK is talking!! Talk about a 'bullshit artist' that's funny I sure as SHIT don't remember that attitude when little snotty pricks like him were praising sleazebag Clinton at every goddamn turn. Not to mention making excuses for all his sicko,creepo,selazy behavior NOW all of a sudden this asswipe wants to criticize?!! What a bunch of bullshit!! America has been putting 'bullshit artists' in office for a long,long time now so why all the bitching from bitches like him over Mr. Obama could it be because one who is close to winning is also[gasp] black?! I think the only REAL bullshitter is the one you hired.
Lavern

Dear Lavern,
Boy you really nailed it. If there's one thing an article called “Obama: The Best BS Artist Since Slick Willie” [issue 114] screams, it's “I love Bill Clinton!” Obviously you've never read anything else by Matt, but it's pretty fucking amazing that you think it's Obama's right to be president because he's no worse than the parade of globe-raping sociopaths that came before. But we should apologize really, because, in the words of Dr. King, “Anytime a white guy criticizes a black guy, it's racism.” Stay strong, Michael Vick!

REQUEST DENIED

It would be a treat if you could post all the fun facts together, perhaps in the comix section.
Michael

Dear Michael,
Fun Fact: We're too lazy to do that!

ATLAS FILCHED

I was at the Pizza Plant on Transit road in late September to pick up some vittles. Since that's the only place I know of that distributes the BEAST I was looking forward to putting $2.00 into the collection box and picking up the latest issue. I noticed then that someone had smashed the money box and stolen all your loot. Since it was near the end of the month I bet before your money was stolen, the box was crammed with cash. So some dirty son of a bitch walked by and must have figured he had more right to your money than you do. When we as a society cease to have an innate respect for others' property rights, we are doomed. We get things like higher taxes to fund wars and police states. We get higher incidences of smash and grab robberies. We get laws that ban smoking on a bar owner's supposedly private property. The thief was probably a socialist or a liberal. He thinks that just because it's a good idea in his mind, he has a claim to your property.

This is why I am voting for Ron Paul in the Republican primary election, and again in the general election if I have the opportunity. Ron Paul believes in the restoration of private property rights and drastic curtailment of the sort of theft euphemistically referred to as "taxation." His government would serve as a good example, infusing the minds of the populace with respect for each other's property. Perhaps if the thief were thusly influenced, he wouldn't have jacked you guys. Ron Paul is also the only viable candidate to have opposed the Iraq war before it even started, and the only Republican to firmly oppose it currently. Since I bet that only a tiny fraction of your readers are registered Republicans, they probably cannot vote for Dr. Paul in the primary election. They can help, however with their labor or dough-nating at ronpaul2008.com .

As for me, sign me up for a Beast subscription. You guys deserve the money.

Aloysius P. Longfellow (Buffalo)

Dear Aloysius,
“That thief was probably a socialist or liberal?” Really? You sure it wasn't some rage-aholic conservative who can only get it up for Rush Limbaugh and thinks we're the scum of the earth? Or maybe some asshole kid who has never had a political thought about anything? You really think it was some ACLU supporter in a “property is theft” T-shirt? That really wouldn't make sense, since a socialist would steal from the rich, and then use the money to buy a subscription to The BEAST. Thieves don't generally go through a lot of internal political debate, you know—it's more like, “hey, I can get that money,” and then they're off. Sort of like what the Republicans have been doing since they “cleaned up congress” in the '90s. But we gotta love your optimism. Sure, there's a real good chance that guy would have thought to himself, “I could steal this money, but President Ron Paul would not approve.” Imagine, a world in which Ron Paul's arrow-straight moral compass steers us all away from misdemeanor theft, not to mention the horrors of legal abortion, public education, and health care. We only see one error: “viable” means “has a shot at winning.”

PRAISE WITH FAINT DAMNING

well, A Monkey writes well and has something interesting and even a bit insightful to say. Too bad that in 10 years, A Monkey's bit about religion is the only decently written thing to appear in either Exile or BB. Cheers

Dear nameless ass,
We have forwarded this message to our IT department and the guys at the eXile. Once Rajneesh locates your IP address, Mark Ames and John Dolan are going to throw a beatdown party at your place. Cheers!

LUDDITE SCAT FREAK

Here's a Brooklyn story from 1990 or 91 that sums up my entire view on life. Even as recently as 1990, the spirit of anti-education industry and anti-bad software industry was still alive. The kids didn't just roll over and comply by learning how to operate junk software because they had to. They knew how to rebel against "The Man".

One day, I was thinking "Man, I hate the goddam school I'm in, and I especially hate this newfangled software (like Word, and C, and this "internet" thing, and "beepers" that all the doctors, whores, and drug dealers had) that we were being forced to learn about just to be able to stay alive in our courses and daily lives". Every time some goddam company would put out some junk software, the pinheads would learn it with all the cryptic commands, and then it would become a fad. Now, we had to learn it, knowing that in a few years, there would be some other new fad we'd have to re-learn. It was a racket, and we needed a people's revolution from the trenches and the gutters.

Just then, as I walked by the Computer Science Dept Office, someone had outdone me! Forget the gutter; this guy said it from the bowels! Stuck on the engraved Comp Sci Dept sign was a giant turd. What amazed me the most was how such a giant turd could defy gravity and adhere to the door and to its principles. That turd was no sell out. It was telling the Man, "Hey Man, I'm telling YOU what to do now", because no education industry or software company could just ignore it and do nothing about this. It was saying "Take that, white corporate America." (Well, a lot of programmers are Indian, but what the hell. You get the general idea.)

The next day, the turd was removed, but in typical education and software industry fashion, it was removed in a half-assed way, with residual still stuck in the engraved lettering. Typical! How education industry! How software! These guys summed up what's wrong with schools. "We'll fix the problem sorta, and you the public will have to adapt to the results."

Kids nowadays are so beaten down and compliant that not only will they put up with bad software and marginal education, they don't even complain, revolt, or throw turds. What's wrong with this generation?
James H. Burnette

Dear James,
Yeah, software sucks—except for the software that enables us to write, edit, design and lay out this publication and our website. And the software used to print and distribute it. And the software we used to receive your e-mail. And the software that makes e-mail possible. But yeah... poop. This really sums up your entire view on life?

BACK AND TO THE LEFT

Your half-baked attempt at debunking 9/11 conspiracy theories gave me a chuckle or two, especially the uninformed but comical imaginary exchange between Rumsfeld, Bush and Cheney [Matt Taibbi, “I, Left Gatekeeper, issue 108] I. Unfortunately, like most bloggers you obviously lack the most basic research methodology and instead "shoot from the hip" while writing, making it up as you go. Who needs research, you've got a keyboard and a cunning sense of wit, right? If you had bothered to research any of the 9/11 truth movement, you would have found that no one claims the plane over Shanksville was intended to be blown up. Most likely it was shot down, the reason why no one knows. Likewise why Building 7 (which you of course didn't mention at all since it would have rendered moot the rest of your rantings) was demolished at 5:20 that day. Most likely it was supposed to collapse while one of the towers was collapsing, so that in the dust the collapse would not be visible. Why it was demolished so late in the afternoon no one can say for sure. And herein lies my point. Instead of you saying "Yes, the collapse of Building 7 is strange and does raise important questions about that day," you attack the people saying that it is strange because they cannot explain exactly who did it and why. Actually you don't say that because of course like most of these propaganda hit pieces you stay away from Building 7 entirely. But for other points, like the Pentagon or Flight 93, you say "Give me a full explanation with names and motives. Oh you can't, then you must be crazy and your evidence completely without merit." It's like a cop discovering a dead body shot in the head and a gun next to it. You would be the cop's supervisor saying "Tell me who did this and why. Oh you don't know? Well then obviously there was no murder and your evidence is worthless." This is why the 9/11 truth movement is pushing for a NEW INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION!! WE DO NOT HAVE SUBPOENA POWER!!! How can we find out who these people are or what their motives were if the most in depth investigation we have had involved Bush and Cheney testifying TOGETHER and NOT under oath with no transcripts. We need a new, independent and full investigation. Get Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Larry Silverstein et al. under oath and ask the hard questions. This is what we want. You want to know exactly who did it and why? SO DO WE!!!
samlabrier

Dear Sam,
In other words, what you're saying is, you don't know. You don't know why the buildings fell when they did, or why the plane crashed, or, for that matter, how the CIA or Carlyle Groups or whoever convinced people to fly planes into buildings, or how they managed to rig skyscrapers with what must have been thousands of explosive charges without anyone noticing. But you know who did it. How do you know, Sam? Of course, we're sure that if such an independent investigation as you suggest was undertaken, and found no evidence of governmental foul play, you'd accept that, right? Right. Obviously, a “blogger” like Matt Taibbi can't match the diligence and journalistic ethics of Alex Jones and the Loose Change guys, but he needs that monthly collusion stipend he gets from the Department of Astoundingly Successful Large-Scale Conspiracies.

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

I Love the Beast! I just felt I should let you know that up front, before you go on thinking that this is going to be another piece of hate-mail from some crybaby who has had their feelings hurt by your insensitivity. Piss on them, right? Anyway, I was wondering, could you put more pictures from the issues online? They are hysterical! I truly appreciate the wit of the staff for coming up with the things that they do, and only hope someday I can write as satirically. I am abroad right now, and would like to show people more of the Beast, but we need pictures! This could be good for you, as I'm endorsing the Beast and maybe they'll subscribe. So please, PLEASE add more pictures! Thanks!
Melanie

 

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