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ISSUE #121
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Features

ArrowPolitical Shrinkage
Clinton the castrator induces pundit panic
Allan Uthman

ArrowMeme-ry Problems
An extremely long & sexy essay
Ian Murphy

ArrowGod Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Gift of Graft
Corruption can save the nation
IOZ

ArrowShit Storm
God gets even with gays, turds rain from sky
Effrey Daniel

ArrowThe Biggest Lie
When does the lesser evil become just evil?
Stan Goff

ArrowKill the Precedent
Congress does nothing, so we can hope
Ian Murphy

ArrowIrish Get Out!
An Ol'-Timey Opinion

ArrowI Saw Ween
And lo, they did rock
Andrew Blake

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowBurnt Toast Resembles Prince, Prince to Sue Toast

ArrowChinese Poison Imports Tainted with Toys

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Inane Friedmanism

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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Chinese poison imports tainted with toys

WASHINGTON—Yet another revelation of tainted Chinese imports has drawn consternation from both the US government and its citizen alike. “Just when we thought it couldn’t get worse,” laments FDA commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, “we received the test result of several imported Chinese poisons—and they indeed contained a dangerous level of toys.”

Use of cheaper materials and a critical lack of Chinese regulation has dealt a serious blow to consumer confidence here in the US. “Christmas is just around the corner,” says single mother Clare Demure, “and I’m scared to buy my kids the poison, lead and date-rape drugs they love, for fear of toys.” Poison sales are down nationwide in the wake of new toy concerns.

Many are demanding a new agency be set up to monitor and test Chinese imports. “Yes, we will be setting up a new agency,” says House Minority leader John Boehner, “to monitor and test all poison imports coming into the country.” Then he cried. And, frankly, he smelled like gin.

“We currently have no reliable means to test poison,” says Eschenbach, “and we’ll be forced to devise new and clever ways for detecting these dangerous playthings in our poison.” The agency is expected to lock children in a warehouse with various imported poisons. “If they die, we know the poison is pure,” adds Eschenbach, “if we hear the squeals of delight and general horseplay, we know we have a serious problem and we’ll burn down the warehouse.”

The new agency is expected to be up and running by early next year, though some argue the task could be performed at less cost by outsourcing the testing to China.



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