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ISSUE #121
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Features

ArrowPolitical Shrinkage
Clinton the castrator induces pundit panic
Allan Uthman

ArrowMeme-ry Problems
An extremely long & sexy essay
Ian Murphy

ArrowGod Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Gift of Graft
Corruption can save the nation
IOZ

ArrowShit Storm
God gets even with gays, turds rain from sky
Effrey Daniel

ArrowThe Biggest Lie
When does the lesser evil become just evil?
Stan Goff

ArrowKill the Precedent
Congress does nothing, so we can hope
Ian Murphy

ArrowIrish Get Out!
An Ol'-Timey Opinion

ArrowI Saw Ween
And lo, they did rock
Andrew Blake

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowBurnt Toast Resembles Prince, Prince to Sue Toast

ArrowChinese Poison Imports Tainted with Toys

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Inane Friedmanism

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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Irish Get Out!
An ‘Ol Timey Opinion

If I’ve orated thusly once, I’ve orated thusly a thousand times: The Irish are sub-human scum.

They infest our nation as if a plague of bubonic magnitudes. Their peculiarly foul, oft inebriated penchants for debauched vileness assault the delicate, gentile natural sensibilities of true-blue Americans. Their filthy and barbaric musings interrupt the talkies, and sap our vitreous humours by sheer effrontery to our very ethical foundations as moral, decent men of reason. They take our jobs, spread disease, bring street crime and speak in a cretinous manner. I for one will not stand idly by to see my great country engulfed by The Blarney Menace!

Our broken border policy of just a few short generations ago has proven a disaster. Lady Liberty, her libertine French perfume now sullied by the reek of soured whiskey, the once proud patina of her flowing gowns of freedom now stained the tincture of rotten potato peels, stands a traumatized wench doomed to a shallow existence of servile Leprechaun concubinage. We need to take back our country and her pride, by Jimminy!

One need only look at a signpost such as the sports and entertainment industries to see the Irish making good where they shouldn’t be allowed: Eddie Murphy and his goonish clone Charlie, Shaquille O’Neil, another crude comedian Eddie Griffin, to name just a small fraction of the foul Irishmen ruining our nation.

What? OH… Well, hmm, well indeed. Let us not split hairs! Black, Irish, what’s the difference? Both terrible races. And Mexicans too! Actually, the only group for which I have no disdain are Native Americans. What? No. European Americans!—not from Ireland, you know—real white people. Them and Lou Dobbs. I fucking love Lou Dobbs!



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