Beast Banner Decmber 2007
ISSUE #121
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Features

ArrowPolitical Shrinkage
Clinton the castrator induces pundit panic
Allan Uthman

ArrowMeme-ry Problems
An extremely long & sexy essay
Ian Murphy

ArrowGod Hates Women
Religion & feminism do not mix
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Gift of Graft
Corruption can save the nation
IOZ

ArrowShit Storm
God gets even with gays, turds rain from sky
Effrey Daniel

ArrowThe Biggest Lie
When does the lesser evil become just evil?
Stan Goff

ArrowKill the Precedent
Congress does nothing, so we can hope
Ian Murphy

ArrowIrish Get Out!
An Ol'-Timey Opinion

ArrowI Saw Ween
And lo, they did rock
Andrew Blake

BREAKING NEWS:

ArrowBurnt Toast Resembles Prince, Prince to Sue Toast

ArrowChinese Poison Imports Tainted with Toys

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Inane Friedmanism

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Letters

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Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Your new iPhone is really cool. Now you can surf the net, e-mail, listen to music and watch video on the go, wherever you are. Now maybe you should go outside.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
This month, you may notice that pillows are fluffier, music is sweeter, and you feel a deeper connection with the people you meet. This is because your wasted teenager stashed 30 ecstasy tablets in your Brita water pitcher and forgot about it. Enjoy the oneness.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Good move getting all those piercings. You don't want guys thinking you're not trashy enough.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Your mother loves you, but that doesn't mean she's not a total bitch.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
When your boyfriend swears he's not going to put those videos you made together on the internet, he really means it. But he's keeping extra copies, you know, just in case things don't work out.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Why would the Linksys corporation bother to make your wireless usb network adapter work, when they can still get your $60 without bothering? Good thing you've got that 50 foot ethernet cord.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
The reason your cats won't come upstairs is that you're being slowly killed by carbon monoxide up there.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You didn't get arrested because of your political views. You got arrested because you stood up and started shouting in the middle of an organized event. You could have shouted, "Support the troops! Call your mom and tell her you love her!" and you still would have been arrested. Think you're helping, really?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Mountain Dew is not love. But it is totally extreme!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
I'm going to go out on a limb here and state definitively that not a single person who supports Dog the Bounty Hunter is going to vote for Hillary Clinton. They will line up to vote for a cross dresser though.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
If you really want to keep that man of yours, you're going to need more chloroform.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
It's a good thing the constitution grants you the right to own a gun, because your wife is going to shoot you with it.



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