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One Missed Call
Oh, no! The Ring! It’s back! No, wait! It’s Final Destination! 1, 2 AND 3! No, it’s something else! It’s Utter Shit! The Movie! Christ on a cracker! There was a time where I would’ve wasted the space that a few paragraphs can take up to piss and moan about how the only two types or horror movies left are remakes of classic American ones (or some variation thereof), or for those of us with neck tattoos of Asian characters, remakes of Japanese horror movies. You know, because subtitles are such a bother and everyone looks the same in Japanese movies anyway. Why do you think so many of Akira Kurosawa’s movies were remade?
So what have we got with One Missed Call? 2 girls sitting around and a cell phone goes off. Sound familiar? The one girl hears the other one, the very one sitting right across from her, on the phone—DYING! So of course she dies later on and sees a bunch of weird, Japanese-inspired images (like people with mouths for eyes—MOUTHS FOR EYES!) before she dies. The cute girl who wasn’t Jessica Biel in Rules of Attraction starts doing her own investigating so she can write a poem or base a terrible painting on the whole experience.
Enter the cantankerous cop played by Edward Burns. He thinks there’s a connection too! But another one of Art School’s (actually, there’s no mention in the trailer that this girl actually goes to art school. She just looks like she does) friends for the voice mail, too! Oh, there’s an innocuously creepy ringtone that plays whenever one of the… evil phone calls comes in. “It’s like you get a voicemail, you hear your death and then you die!” Here’s where it gets weird—Art School’s friend plays the message for her, then says everything he said in the voicemail--then he dies! And don’t bother to take the battery out of the phone because they’ll just call anyway. And if this wasn’t bad enough, now I’ve got to know that this movie is out there. Hell, leave me this creepy message. If it’ll stop my own personal hell of having to exist in a world where these movies are made, sign me up.
(retching… more retching…. toilet flushing)
So we’ve got the chick from Grey’s Anatomy (sorry, the one who was in Knocked Up) starring as a selfless girl who’s always the bridesmaid and never the bride. 27 times to be exact. She’s in love with her boss and her sister is moving in on him. Her sister wants Grey’s Anatomy to plan the wedding on top of it. Obviously this movie pees sitting down and anyone who’s had the flavor of their own vomit in their mouth for two hours will know the experience of 27 Dresses before they even get the opportunity to flush even more time down the toilet.
But wait! Cyclops from the X-Men movies shows up as a jaded cool guy who gets Grey’s Anatomy to realize a few things about herself. “You’d rather focus on other people’s Kodak moments than make memories of your own,” Cyclops says. “You can start over, you can say no and you can do what you want,” he tells her. He dresses cool and has a messy-yet-stylish haircut, so Cyclops has to know what the hell he’s talking about. The trailer even boasts that he’s got sparkling blue eyes and a killer grin. Add a smart-ass best friend doling out comic relief and bad advice during yoga lessons and some vaguely racy dialogue, and a Blue Collar TV marathon suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. Just kidding. Maybe. But at the same time, this could be so much worse: That moon-faced Asian chick from Grey’s Anatomy could star in it.
Trailer-wise, Cloverfield is a brilliant work of art. It does exactly what a trailer is supposed to do—a trailer is supposed to tear you away from that “Cops” marathon and get you to a theater to pay $23 for a bucket of popcorn. Most trailers give you a pretty good, if not misrepresented, idea of what the movie they’re advertising is about, but they almost always talk you out of going to see it.
But Cloverfield didn’t do either. If you somehow got wrangled into seeing Transformers last summer and got to the theater early enough, you saw a trailer that had J.J Abrams’ name on it and looked like it was done with a digital home video camera. A party was going on, some jag was leaving town and there was an explosion in the middle of New York City. Chaos ensued, the growling/groaning of a large monster bellowed and next thing you know the head of the Statue of Liberty was flying down the street.
And that’s pretty much all you got aside from a date—1/18/08. If your nerd boner didn’t go away after the feature presentation and you had to keep looking, you didn’t find much regarding the fleeting apocalyptic handjob that would later be known as Cloverfield.
With the full-length trailer, Abrams doesn’t let any more secrets out of the bag. Some more explosions, military involvement, doomsday imagery and people scared for their lives. You’ll also get a very brief glimpse of the monster’s ass and some creepy noises. What can they be?
So we’ve got some Blair Witch marketing, some scared hipsters and some good old monster movie excitement. I’m guessing that no matter what Abrams throws on that screen, monster-wise, it’s going to be a major disappointment, but I like being wrong every once in a while.
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
Wow. Somebody sucked someone’s dick, someone’s losing a hell of a lot at the track, someone owed someone a lot of money, somebody got somebody else seriously drunk and got them to give their autograph at the bottom of a contract saying they’d be in a really horrible movie, or worse. I don’t know.
You know those awful Sci-Fi Channel movies that have such low production values that getting through the opening credits should earn you a medal? The ones with worse acting than a first-grade production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and if Sharon Stone were to suddenly show up it might actually improve the situation? In the Name of the King: A Dun—Christ I can’t even bring myself to go through the whole title a second time. This movie looks like a shit Sci-Fi Channel version of Lord of the Rings with a seemingly random cast, consisting of Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds and shit-tard Matthew Lillard. Oh, and the guy who played Gimli in Lord of the Rings and Sallah in the Indiana Jones movies. Bad dates.
This movie was directed by a guy named Uwe, Europeans didn’t practice martial arts in the Middle Ages, this whole thing stinks and you’re not going to make me eat it! Why would someone do anything this awful? How can someone do something this cowardly? What did we ever do to anybody? We’re just living our lives here, man!
Christ, this looks like ass. And not the good kind. Apparently not a biopic about screaming teleconomist Jim Cramer, Mad Money offers equally unhealthy doses of estrogen and the female cosmetics commercial ego that says, “I’m worth it!”If whoever rolled up this steaming pile worked Sex and the City into it, they’d be scraping my brains off the computer screen. That’s what we’re looking at here.
Three women, played by Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes, all work as janitors at the Federal Reserve Bank, where money gets shredded. Their dumb asses decide to steal it. Apparently they get away with it, then get stupid and start spending money above the radar on things like RVs, $62,000 rings and hopefully getting their self-respect back. I’m talking the actresses, not the characters.
Diane Keaton is the female Jack Nicholson. She just plays herself now, because she did an impressive enough body of work over 30 years ago that she can do whatever the hell she wants now that her grey streaks look more like blonde highlights and she hasn’t aged too horribly. Queen Latifah is here because a sassy black lady was needed and the filmmakers thought that a movie about janitors without a black person in it just wouldn’t be credible. Plus she’s always up for a shitty movie.
But it’s Katie Holmes that puzzles me the most. Her presence here tells me one of two things: 1) This movie is such a piece of shit that it was actually made before she and Tom Cruise got married and has been sitting on a shelf for a few years. As a result, some third-stringer movie studio executives are looking to pitch it into the river when no one’s looking. 2) Tom Cruise actually let Katie Holmes out of the house or was distracted long enough by a laser pointer for her to sneak out of the cul—I mean house and make a movie.
This movie looks so bad that I actually want to hold an intervention (at the theater) for anyone who goes to see it. And slap them. With a bus.
About six months ago, I saw what had to be a pirated but authentic-looking trailer for Rambo, or John Rambo as it was going by then. I saw some naïve missionaries going into Burma to make a difference offering Rambo hugs and sunshine for a ride there. He tells them they’re a gang of pinko choads; they go anyway and later it gets back to Rambo that they’re getting sodomized for AA batteries by the Burmese army. So Rambo sneaks in and kills anyone and everyone he can in the most rotten and entertaining ways possible. I think he may even have shot a Burmese soldier with one bullet and subsequently bisected him. I think another soldier may have exploded after being stabbed by Rambo. Stabbed, I tell you! And I know that I tend to exaggerate from time to time, but I’m completely serious here. Now. This trailer actually had me looking forward to John Rambo the same way you look forward to leaving an upper-decker at a party being thrown by someone you don’t know.
But the trailer for Rambo (not to be confused with Rambo: First Blood Part II) tells a very different story. “War is in your blood. When you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin’. Live for nothing or die for something. Your call!” What’s this shit? Come on! The other trailer I saw was a friggin’ riot. Granted, it was a poorly-edited 3 minute clip of gratuitous violence and this is Stallone on an opium bender thinking he’s an auteur. What!? More than 29 people went to see Rocky Balboa and now he’s got his bifocals on as he goes through his files looking for that supposed ace up his sleeve? And to top it off, there are a lot more snakes in this trailer, too, and I don’t like snakes. This deal keeps getting worse all the time. I mean, come on Sly, I like boxed wine and prescription painkillers out of my mom’s medicine cabinet too, but you’re looking like boiled chicken out there. We appreciate you keeping the shirt on this time, but isn’t there an infomercial out there that needs hosting?
Meet the Spartans
It’s that time of year again. We’re in the wasteland of movie release dates; it’s time for Hollywood to take out the trash. So you can count on at least one if not all of the following types of movies coming out:
Which brings us to Meet the Spartans, which seems to be spoofing 300, among other things. We see the King Leonidas character kicking Britney Spears down a well, and some kind of Stomp the Yard reference in the trailer. This is just bad. I’m actually embarrassed to say I saw this trailer. And looking at the IMDB.com listing for this offers no relief. Actors playing Lindsay Lohan, Ugly Betty, Ryan Seacrest and Donald Trump are credited. Did I mention that Kevin Sorbo and Carmen Electra star in this?
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