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BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
March is Women’s History Month. And you’ve come a long way, baby! We at The BEAST have compiled a brief, yet comprehensive, list celebrating Herstory. We hope it has broad appeal.
Beginning of Time: Eve invents evil, dooms humanity. Many things we enjoy today would never have been possible without the technological breakthrough of that brave and disobedient rib—like, the iPod.
Shortly after: Joan Rivers is born. She’s old.
3000 BC: Meryt-Neith breaks the mud-brick ceiling, becoming third ruler of the first Egyptian dynasty.
30 BC: Cleopatra ends the reign of Egyptian pharaohs with a self-inflicted asp bite, looks bangin’ in metal bra.
A few years later: Mary takes God’s virginity in the backseat of a Chrysler convertible.
60 AD: Warrior-Queen Boudicca suffers critical wardrobe malfunction while defending England from the Romans. Many Herstorians agree that her exposed breast was a decisive factor in demoralizing the Iceni people and lead ultimately to Rome’s victory.
360: Hypatia of Alexandria born into wealthy, educated family and becomes the first woman mathematician of note. Her work with hair pi is still taught in sororities today.
1151: Hildegard of Bingen, a German abbess, artist and polymath composes her Ordo Virtutum—the first form of opera. She would go on to pen Generalus Hospitium—the first soap opera.
1429: A schizophrenic 17 year-old named Joan D’Arc wields the entire French army in a bloody crusade to recapture land the English acquired in the Hundred Years’ War. She must have been a total babe.
1558: Elizabeth I of England becomes first and last monarch of the Tudor dynasty. Her sagacious rule helps crush the Spanish Armada, and she never got laid, ever, really, look it up.
1776: Betsy Ross smashes feminine stereotypes by sewing a pretty flag—with non-slimming horizontal stripes!
1847: Shirley Jessup makes first delivery of the Cotton Pony Express.
1870: Susan B. Anthony does things.
1900: Marie Curie pioneers the science of radioactivity, slowly poisoning herself and her husband.
1934: Nazi film propagandist Leni Riefenstahl releases Triumph des Willens. Her aesthetic style and photographic techniques are still hailed as genius by today’s experts, the Nazi twat.
1954: Oprah Winfrey begins plan of world domination.
1960: The FDA approves the birth control pill, spurring the Pentagon to invent AIDS.
1963: Betty Friedan ushers in “second wave feminism” with the publication of The Feminine Mystique, inspiring ugly, frustrated man-haters across the nation.
1972: Title IX bans gender discrimination in schools, providing enough sub-standard sporting events for several ESPN channels.
1973: Billie Jean King defeats Bobby Riggs in the “Battle of the Sexes,” proving that lesbians can kick the crap out of old men. Also, Roe v. Wade happens.
1979: Margaret Thatcher becomes first female Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. Her conservative, pro-business ideology and hawkish militarism earn her a derision normally reserved for heartless male leaders. Any awful thing they could do, she could do better!
1986: The Supreme Court finds sexual harassment to be illegal job discrimination.
1991: The Senate finds sexual harassment to be no impediment to becoming a Supreme Court Justice, so long as you are black and pissed off.
1994: The Violence Against Women Act is passed, sending a clear signal to violent sex offenders to start raping dudes.
1996: Ann Coulter manifests, laying to rest once and for all the myth that women are gentler, wiser, or less bloodthirsty than men.
1997: Madeline Albright is sworn in as America’s first female Secretary of State. Despite the title of “Secretary,” her duties extended beyond that of a mere receptionist, including championing strict sanctions which killed an estimated half-million Iraqi children. You go, girlfriend!
2006: Nancy Pelosi becomes the first female House Speaker, proving that any determined woman whose husband is a multimillionaire can make it big in politics. Pelosi’s record as speaker also shows she has not abandoned her femininity, as she has allowed vile, belligerent men to walk all over her for no apparent reason.
2008: Hillary Clinton brings feminism to new heights as the first viable woman candidate for President of the United States entirely on her, um, own merits, and not by being married to a former president, at all.
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