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Like many people on the left, or even the center left, I will wet my pants with impotent rage if Hillary Clinton gets the Democratic nomination for president. This would be true in any year, but with Republicans on the ropes after a disastrous and historically unpopular administration, in a year when the Democrats could probably get the corpse of Eugene Debs into office, there is a strong chance they will choose a repellent, center-right shrew. They might as well run Cobra Commander. No, really. I follow politics closely, and loved GI Joe as a kid, so the obvious similarities struck me right away. But the more I googled and learned about the two leaders, the muddier the distinction became between Cobra Commander and his terribly disfigured face and Hillary Clinton with her Christian Okoye thighs.

WAR

Hillary Clinton: Opportunistic hawk. She was for the war in Iraq when she thought it would make her look good, paying no regard to the death and destruction it would create. And don't give me any nonsense about bad intelligence. All you needed to know was that Iraq was less involved with terrorism, or any other type of threat to the US, than almost any other country in the Islamic world. Who gives a fuck if they had some mobile homes and aluminum tubes? When the going got tough during her war, Hippobottomus took an ambiguous stance. Now, when doing so is crucial for the nomination, she talks about bringing the troops home, just as a glimmer of hope for rebuilding Iraq to some degree seems to be emerging. As to her role in the whole debacle, she is casting blame for failure in Iraq and her own support for the war on anybody available.

Cobra Commander: Cowardly hawk. He demands total courage and selflessness from foot soldiers, has no regard for the risk of his own men or innocent life and berates the slightest failure. Yet when the bullets are flying, he is never the one to make the ultimate sacrifice—safely parachuting or leaping away from an exploding vehicle. As soon as his own ass is threatened, he demands retreat and then blames others for the failures of his ill-conceived campaigns.

AFFILIATIONS

Hillary Clinton: She got her real start as a corporate lawyer, pulling down six figures at the service of such clients as GE, ALCOA (named one of the ten most toxic companies in the country by The Political Economy Research Institute) and Wal-Mart (named one of the ten biggest boxes of dicks by The American Institute for the Study of Shitbirds). She began her political life as a Nixon supporter, then built a political career in Arkansas, The Rickets State.

Cobra Commander: He has a close, if contentious relationship with arms dealer Destro. His mask is manufactured by ALCOA. While not a Nixon supporter, Cobra Commander was often willing to work with Serpentor. He built a terrorist group with aid of Dreadnaughts.

PERSONAL WEALTH

Hillary Clinton: As mentioned, she was a sleazy corporate lawyer. She made a buttload of money betting lavender chips on the futures markets with only one problem: She always guessed right. Made more money in a real estate scam for which over twenty people were indicted. Chalked all criticism up to a vast right wing conspiracy that she would devote herself to fighting.

Cobra Commander: Started out as a used car salesman, but built his fortune and revived a small city with a company called Arbco. When the government ruled that Arbco was an illegal pyramid scheme he claimed to have been "ground under the wheels" of government oppression and vowed to fight back.

CIVIL LIBERTIES

Hillary Clinton: Spent her early career in the senate on a holy jihad against curse words, boobies and violent video games. The idea was that the government would take action to alter media content, but it wouldn't count as censorship. Then 9/11 changed everything. People wore hats on their feet and hamburgers ate people! So she switched from video games to things like the fourth amendment via shit like the Patriot Act. She had patriot fever! She also has a 33% rating from the ACLU for 2006-07.

Cobra Commander: A longstanding proponent of violence in media, including television, movies and comic books, especially directed at children. While a dissident himself, Cobra Commander takes no lip.

CRIME

Hillary Clinton: Her pastimes include flailing pompoms as retards are executed by the state. She's such a staunch drug warrior that she supported the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994, which included a provision for the execution of drug traffickers. Yes, the death penalty for pushing dope.

Cobra Commander: Also favors the death penalty in grossly unjust circumstances, such as mild insubordination. However, he favors soft sentences for heads of international terrorist organizations.

FUNDING

Hillary Clinton: Although the financing of Hillary's campaign by pharmaceutical industry is often discussed, it is less well known that she has received significantly more money from defense contractors than any other Democrat. Perhaps this is because she says things like “I don’t believe that any president should make any blanket statements with respect to the use or nonuse of nuclear weapons” and took the astonishing measure of opposing George W. Bush's efforts to terminate multiple arms programs. Drink that in.

Cobra Commander: Although he got started with the pyramid scheme, COBRA derives most of it's funding through arms dealing and fomenting wars so it can sell to both sides. Of course, the defense companies funding Hillary would never be involved in anything like that.

Erich Schulte writes for ruthlessreviews.com.