Beast Banner March 2008
ISSUE #124
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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The BEAST Page 5 Democracy Usurpers

Name: Super Delegates

Turn-ons: Partisan machine politics, old-school oligarchies, convention schmoozing, quid pro quos, donkey-punches and nullifying the will of the electorate.

Turn-offs: The constitution, representative democracy, landless peasants and anything with Martin Lawrence.

How we got to be The BEAST Page 5 Democracy Usurpers: Funny story actually; in the seventies, the American populace was getting dangerously close to choosing the party nominees through a series of arcane state primaries and caucuses—of course, this wouldn't do at all. Naturally, we needed to wrest that power away from the dregs of society by instituting a special group of current and former elected officeholders, party officials and pledged wealthy elites that can vote as delegates without being beholden to the primary votes cast by citizens—for their own good, ostensibly.

Future plans: Well, on the Republican side we represent 463 out of total 2,380 delegates, and on the Democratic side we're 796 of 3,253. With only 1,191 and 2,025 needed to win those contests, respectively, we plan on rigging that shit good—we mean, um, spreading freedom or something.

How we'd like to be remembered: As the obscenely powerful and overly-botoxed face of the political elite that the poor, benighted American herd needs to make the proper decisions. Actually, can we change our answer, because we kinda want to do this again in 2012? Of course we can change our answer. We can do whatever the fuck we want. Suck it, bitches!



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