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So you’ve sailed the seas of singledom, and you’ve finally hooked a man-atee you think might be good for the long haul. But now it’s time to clip his wings so he never flies away. Having a good, healthy, respectful relationship is fun while it lasts, but for longevity, you can’t beat dysfunctional codependence augmented by psychological abuse. Your man’s free spirit may have been what attracted you to him, but if you employ these tips, he’ll be docile as downer cattle in no time. Happy hobbling!
1. Eradicate his privacy. Call him all the time. If you can manage to guilt him into calling you, all the better. As your boyfriend, he is obligated to let you know where he is, who else is there, when he is leaving, and what he is doing later, even if he is not sure of the answers. Remember to time your calls for maximum inconvenience, or better yet embarrassment. Is he relaxing at home? Call right when his favorite show is on. Is he playing poker with his buddies? Sounds like a good time to discuss your latest argument!
2. Castrate his imagination. Now that he’s with you, it’s important to let him know it’s inappropriate for him to express, or even feel, any attraction to other women, even women who have been given awards for sexual attractiveness. Whenever you notice your man “noticing” another woman, hit him with a withering stare that lets him know the next couple of days are pretty much shot. After a few episodes like this, and ensuing aftershocks, your beau will know not to let his gaze wander far from your immediate vicinity. You’ll know he’s learning when he starts averting his gaze if a particularly sexy actress appears on a television screen. A good pop quiz: Ask, innocently, “Isn’t Angelina Jolie hot?” If he makes feeble, noncommittal noises, you’re on the right track. If he insists Angelina is “totally gross,” you’ve succeeded. If he enthusiastically agrees, you’ve got some serious bitching to do.
3. The honeymoon’s over. Phase out oral sex—not completely; you can still go down on him for special occasions, but make sure he knows from your unenthusiastic performance what a tedious chore it is for you.
4. Anything he enjoys is your enemy. Be it friends, hobbies, art, schoolwork, or just solitude, if it takes his time and attention away from you, it has to go. If you catch him playing video games, react as if he were masturbating to gay porn.
5. Get rid of his friends by glaring, muttering, and generally acting like a total bitch to them, and never letting him out to see them.
6. Get rid of your own friends. All women are possible roads to splitsville for you and your love, including your slutty chums. Besides, you only needed them when you were single.
7. Do nice things for him, and then complain about doing them. For every meal you cook or load of laundry you do unasked, there should be a vocal lament about how you feel victimized by his oppressive gender stereotyping. He may not have expected you to do these things, but he let you, so it’s still his fault.
8. Become part of the family. Make sure to charm his family. Try to establish a close rapport with his mother, sharing every emasculating detail of his private life with her, including his sexual proclivities.
9. Never allow him to make any major purchases. His computer was good enough in ‘95; it’s good enough now. Spend all his money on shoes and handbags instead.
10. Remember: All of your problems are his fault. If you are unsatisfied with your life in any way, the relationship is to blame. No matter how perfect your mate may be, you can find something to be miserable about. Does he give you your space? Then he doesn’t care about you. Does he shower you with gifts? He’s overbearing. Is he gainfully employed? He’s not ambitious enough. Is he a billionaire? His yacht is pathetic next to Richard Branson’s. The important thing is to let him know that in every way, he is a disappointment to you, and you could do much better.
Keep using the strategies outlined here, and you’ll be sure to ensnare your hunk in an everlasting death grip of exquisite agony. And if he somehow escapes, make sure to tell everyone he knows about what a limpdick/pervert he was!
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