Beast Banner March 2008
ISSUE #124
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Here’s a hint, Pisces: If a magazine makes you feel ugly and inadequate, maybe you shouldn’t renew your subscription. Try Harper’s.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Good thing there’s a second amendment, Aries, otherwise you couldn’t own the gun you need to protect yourself from all the maniacs out there wielding... guns. You’re indirectly responsible for 32,000 deaths a year, Aries.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
It’s a shame you suffer from crippling feelings of sexual inadequacy, Taurus, but it’s hard to see how that’s Hillary Clinton’s fault.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you met a guy, Gemini, and the first thing he did was lick your hand, and then he ran around your apartment knocking shit over and peeing on your rug, pausing briefly to inhale an egg roll off your coffee table, how long would it take you to throw him the fuck out? I hate your dog, Gemini.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you wanted to work where the air wasn’t thick with dangerous chemicals, Cancer, you shouldn’t have gone into journalism. Now get to work; those T-shirts won’t print themselves.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
There’s no question that warrantless wiretapping and telecom immunity are vital to winning the war on terror, Leo, just as you were arguing on the phone last night. The NSA official listening to your call agreed with you unreservedly.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Just to clear things up, Virgo: George Orwell wrote Animal Farm and 1984. Orson Welles made Citizen Kane and did the famous panic-inducing radio version of War of the Worlds, which was written by H.G. Wells. None of these three are the same person. In other news, Jerry O’Connell is not Jason Bateman. Pay attention, Virgo.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Connoisseurship is the thinnest of veils, Libra. Any drink that explodes when ignited is not “fine.”

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
I’m glad you had a great Valentine’s day, Scorpio, but it’s probably a good idea to let your “beau” out of the cage in your basement. Just drop him off in the desert.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Glass is technically a liquid, Sagittarius, but it’s still not a good idea to throw balloons full of it at your friends on hot summer days.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn, the real reason you want to beat up Jude Law is that he gives you a boner. Be honest with yourself, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Aquarius, you will meet a beautiful woman at a bar on your next trip out of town, and she will come back to your room for a passionate romantic encounter. Afterwards, she will charge you a hundred dollars. Still later, you will give your wife herpes. Don’t fight the custody settlement, Aquarius.



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