Beast Banner March 2008
ISSUE #124
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ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request


ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters




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This is the first time I have ever actually complained about something I read on the internet. Somehow someone sent me an e-amil with the 50 worst people of 2007 or whatever the hell you call it. I think it was the worst thing I have ever read. Which you may actually for some strange reason be proud of. I just wonder how someone can be so angry about so many things. Do you people need a nap maybe to get laid more. I mean get out enjoy life I don't care if it is all in fun or not its too visceral to be entilrely manufactured. I'm not asking you to stop writing, but realize your opinion isn't really all that important we all have them. Also try and talk to people with differing views it helps build perspective. Good luck and have fun.
Tom Arnold

Dear Tom,
Gee, an actual celebrity, sort of! Well Tom, we can’t all get famous by briefly marrying hoggish, repellent comediennes, can we? No, some of us have to write things, things that are funny enough for your stupid friends to forward them to you. How far do you think the e-mail chain would have traveled for your performance in The Stupids? How far for McHale’s Navy? We all have opinions, Tom; it’s true. But the problem with yours is that we’ve seen your work, and you have no fucking credibility whatsoever when it comes to determining what is funny. An attack from you is like a thumbs up from Richard fucking Pryor. So thanks, Tom.


Comments: hey guys, just thought you fuckin jews should grow up and quit wackin each other off you fuckin faggots! Heil Hitler!!!

Jeff Chism,

Tom Arnold replies:

Hey there, Jeff-o! Whoa, buddy, you gotta calm down, okay? Well, look, it’s probably too late to save your job—unless Mike Barney is a likeminded goose-steppin’ kinda guy—so you gotta start thinkin’ long-term, pal, all right? Now, it’s all in the pre-nup. ‘Cause when the wife walks—and she just might, once this Nazi stuff hits the tabloids and the kids are involved…It’s splitsville, buddy! She’s gonna walk, man, and she’s taken the tots with her, you better believe it! You gotta make sure you’re taken care of—I, mean, what are you gonna do, get another job? Dude, the Third Reich’s not hirin’, man! They’re outta business—permanently! So, all you need is that piece of paper and you’re gold. Oh, man, it’s gonna be great with you bein’ outta work, just takin’ it easy! No wife around, no kids hasslin’ you with their love and affection, once their classmates start wailin’ on ‘em ‘cause their dad’s a rabid, deadbeat hatemonger…Say, if you’re not doin’ anything…What am I sayin’? Of course you’re not! You wanna grabs some drinks later tonight? I’ll pick up a coupla chicks—whaddaya say? Just ixnay on the ikekay—one of ‘em’s from Long Island...You can have the other one—she’s Norwegian.


OK, that Primary article had me laughing my ass off [Ian Murphy & Paul Jones, “Primary Fever,” issue 123]; seriously, I almost puked I was laughing so hard. And good god, the letters this month (02/2008) had me snickering endlessly... But still, what the fuck (sorry, no "WTF" euphimisms here) is up with the blog? All kinds of great stuff happening and you can't even be bothered to post a snide remark about Mitt Romney quitting the race? Although, I must admit, Jon Stewart nailed that shit with "...if the Mitt Rommney campaign for presidency continues, the terrorists win." That's kind of hard to follow up. Anti-climax and all that...but STILL. Give me SOMETHING, guys. I have a 17 month old son, and I live on the West Coast, where we can actually leave the house between November and April, ergo, I have a life, not all fun, but defintely busy. I count on y'all (it's a real word, I swear) to elucidate all the crap that gets below (or even above) my radar. I have $30 in my pocket and will by a subscription if you will either: a) reply to this email (please don't bother, it's inane, and was written at 3:45 PST, 2 hours after my son fell asleep, and probably qualifies as "ill-informed ravings." b) update your blog at least once a week. Even if it's just one sentence or even a "check out this link"-kind-of-thing. So, whatever. The choice is yours...I'll probably be getting the subcription anyway...But I love your work, and selfishly want more, even at the cost of your health, personal life & sanity... Sincerely, Kristin P.S.: Sorry for all the run-on sentences. P.P.S.: Let me know if you ever need a place to crash in the Bay Area, CA. I like the 1st Amendment too :) (& no, you wouldn't get laid here either.)

Dear Kristin,
The blog was once updated daily, and then something happened: We realized nobody was reading it. Then we got tired. Then some other stuff happened. Tom Arnold probably has a blog, why don’t you check that out? We hear he has opinions.


Thanks guys for the great laughs! This one is a classic, up there with "Let There Be Retards". The BEAST rules!

Melissa Coleman

Jeff Chism responds:

Nein! Ze BEAST eez nuzeeng! Zey donut rule anyzeeng! Und ze retahd eez a blot on humanity vhich muzt be eeliminated een ze qvest vor Aryan zupremazy! Ve at Mike Bahney Neezan ah Vestuhn New Yuk’s only Ubermenschen! Ve shallenge any uzzer dealerzhips to beat our commitment to zales, zervice and razial purity! Televhone now vor appointment o’ gooze-ztep on down und sprechen Sie mit an Obergruppenfurher vor a tezt drive! Schnell!

PS Oon zegond zought, Coleman zounds lige a Jew name! Vhere a’ yoor paypers, ja?


If you think this is true then you must also think that it is ok for someone to come in your mother's house and hit her. That it is ok for someone to come into your house and hit your wife and daughter. It is people like you that I don't understand. We are in 2008 and you can't get out of the 1800s. Women have the same rights as men because that is they way it is. Without women there would be no men because I know you can't birth them!! Get over yourself and whatever you think happened to you to make you believe this. It is not as bad as what you are trying to. You just remember men and women are dying right now to give you the freedom to write this stuff. No matter how wrong it is. Give them the same respect.


Dear Anonymous,
Well, we have no idea which article you’re complaining about, but it has become kind of insane how common this “Troops are dying for your right to make fun of them” meme has become in our in-boxes. If this is true, we have seriously underestimated our popularity. How does this work in your head, exactly? “Mr. President, Saddam Hussein has threatened to attack the United States unless The BEAST stops publishing!” “Well godammit, get Rummy on the phone, we gotta invade!” Right. Again, no idea what the sexism stuff is about, so try to fill in the “article” part of the e-mail form next time, k?


Absolutely, ABSOLUTELY, the most uproarious, gut-splitting funniest thing I have read all freakin' year long in the blogosphere [Ian Murphy, “Let There be Retards,” issue 117]. Thanks, Ian, you're especially specially special in my book. BTW, I got here from a link at Daily Kos.

What an incredible expose on the gullibility of the Jeebus campers -- you pulled it off to perfection (assuming your story to be true; in fact I do -- you probably couldn't have made this up, although...).

You sure made my day brighter. Thanks again.

Forrest Prince

Dear Forrest,
While the story is true and there’s pictures and video to prove it, we resent the accusation that we couldn’t have made it up. We could have made it up; we’re pretty creative guys. Although we probably would have gotten laid somewhere in there.


Well you bastards are just hilarious,spot on and have some gigantic balls - so I will send you $ for a subscription.

You need some goddamned merchandise - because I want a shirt with that image of Larry Craig crawling out of the toilet - and really I would be happy to wear all of your brilliant artwork around - so make some shit for us to buy !

Jerry Vessel

Jeff Chism replies:
Nein! Ze BEAST’s tezticles ah puny! Zere gonads ah minizcule—drained vrom exzezzive mazturbazion! Und jou vant to buy ze tee-zhirt mit ze pigture of ze homozexual on zee vront? Vhat eef ve frogmarch jou down to Mike Bahney Neezan und zlap a gold ztar on joor ahm?! Sieg heil!


Disappointed you did not include Ken Ham, since the Kentucky Creation Museum opened this year. A definite contender- still not too late to amend your list and replace one of those "filler" names, like "Us". 2008, perhaps?


Dear Nathan,
Ham is Australian. That is all.


You - It should be #1. "We" are the cause of all the problems above. We are the goat fellators who make this shit happen.

Great article though! Thanks!

Juan De La Puta

Dear Juan,
We demand to see the evidence upon which you base the libelous claim that we have ever fellated any goats, sir, because we are 90% sure you have none.


your list was pretty funny up until #28. Thats really messed up. It doesnt matter if you support the troops or not, people are dying over there. How is that funny?


Dear Chris,
Yeah, see... it’s not.


Number 28 on your list is absolutely disgusting and if you meant to be funny, you failed. You should be ashamed of yourself. Those men are out there protecting your freedom.

Linda Gonzalez

Dear Linda,
Right. How dare we exercise the freedom they’re supposedly protecting? Well, that’s America, Linda. If you don’t like it you can get out.


I like you guys. By you guys I mean the word you and the word guys. I wish I liked guys, because then I wouldn't be the potential father of a child with a really short and fat mother with bad breath.I would rather put a weiner in my mouth. I believe in karma and understand that I am going to hell when I grow up. Please give me money or a job so I can afford the drugs to arrive in hell quicker. I can write pretty funny things when no one is reading so stop reading this, and imagine that I am a guinus that can spell the word geinus. I can punch myself in the eye if you don't want me to.


Dear Stephen,
Well, that’s too bad, because we really want you to.


Hey, I really appreciate the way you guys approach your articles. I sometimes have a hard time explaining myself - but those same ideas I struggle to clearly express, you guys can enunciate within a sentence or two. Regarding the article Sweet Nothings, I've been noticing that trend frequently as well. There was a show on PBS last week called Oswald's Ghost - the first 95% did decent job of maintaining "balance" (for whatever that's worth), with both sides of the evidence pointing to Oswald being a patsy. So all of that led to the obvious conclusion that JFK wasn't killed by a lone nut - wrong. They finished the show by basically ignoring everything that had been said to that point, and concluded that there was in fact, no conspiracy. Now, avoiding the details of the case, and who's right and who's wrong - this was just a bullshit move on PBS' part. Just lettin' off some steam, here. Keep up the good work, Beast


Dear...ugh... “Rippedflannel,”
Your name sucks ding-dongs. Seriously, even your friends think it’s unforgivably lame. And they’re right


Upon reading Loathsome person #31 to my husband, he held his face in his hands and said "oh my god. She has a desk, and gets paid more than I do." ugh, she has an office. With underlings that feign respect and a sense of importance. Does she get a letterhead, too? Motherfuck, she probably gets a government car! The shock could go on and on, but really I can't get past that despairing shutter and the sense that all hope is lost. The White House new ad campaign: "Make Global Warming Work for You!" or "When Life Hands You Shit, Make Shit Salad!" The government can give Bill Hicks and Frank Zappa cancer; can't they sneak some tuberculum into her JuicyJuice? Love Always, you demented little freaks. Kate from Kingston

Dear Kate,
Well-behaved women rarely make history, and Dana Perino rarely recalls it. But we hear the bitch can suck a uranium cake through 10 feet of aluminum tubes. So no mystery there. Plus, she was the only one left in the Press Secretary’s office after the last three fell to leprosy.


fear. by all. dm casey giggles every night reliving the pathetic souls he has crushed on any given day.the press lives in fear asking a question that may effect them personally. polititions who answer questions simultaneously quivering. parents who forget that children are children who should be slapped when appropriate. and us. because bullshit is obvious, yet we are sfraid to voice this when it is so obvious? we have no golden parachute, folks, but they do. but that doesn't give you an excuse to prove my point. fear is a handicap. a handicap with a cure. it's called "balls". aint got none? go to rent a center and rent a pair. the point: i don't like you. don't like me? what the hell do i care. i'll never know it. pussies. love, john gallivan ps: give me your lunch money.

Jeff Chizm replies:

Ve hav nozeeng to vear egzept ze Jews! And zere eez vone beeg gure for zem all! Vezzer jou need ze oil shange, dire rodazion or millions ov Jews egsterminaded, ve at Mike Bahney Neezan vow to vork overdime to gomplete ze vinal zolution! Mike Bahney Neezan eez jor vone-ztop genozide zhop! Ztop by zoon und get ze goupon vor a vree ganister of Zyklon B mit any roudine maindenanze!


Hello Ian, Your hatred for Christian churches is evident [Ian Murphy, “Welcome to the Monkey House,” issue 108]. Worst of all, you hate the only One who can save you from judgment, Jesus Christ, who died for you. You may choose to disbelieve. God permits you to reject Him. Free will. Just a word of warning though: 2 Timothy 3 "But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God..." Ian, one last thing, digest this carefully: Isaiah 5:20-21 "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight! Woe to those who are heroes in drinking wine and valiant men in mixing strong drink, Who justify the wicked for a bribe and take away the rights of the ones who are in the right! Therefore, as a tongue of fire consumes stubble and dry grass collapses into the flame, So their root will become like rot and their blossom blow away as dust; For they have rejected the law of the Lord of hosts and despised the word of the Holy One of Israel. I will pray for you. I suggest you watch the words that proceed from your mouth or pen, for God will hold you accountable for every idle word you speak. May Christ forgive your ignorance and hatred.

Dear CJ,
Oh, come on. You think you’re the first mandroid to quote some ooga-booga bible bullshit at us in a futile effort to frighten us into false belief? Fuck you, CJ. Besides, you don’t really want your angry, torturing god to forgive Ian, now do you? No, because if your vain, jealous lord were to forgive blasphemers like him, what the hell would be the point of all of your self-loathing and self-denial? It’d be like camping out for Springsteen tickets, only to have some jerk cut in front of you in line at the last minute. That motherfucker better get hoisted out of there, or all your suffering’s for naught, CJ. In fact, your whole life is a bet that Ian will go to hell, if you think about it. You lose, CJ.


Alright...I understand the American adherence to labels and whatnot [Allison Kilkenny, "Stop Being an Asshole," issue 122]. I really do. However, I'd like to point out that labels are also fucking stupid. I, for example, would be labeled as a Christian Republican. From what I've read on the site, to many of your readers it is thus fact that I hate gays/foreigners/"dusky" races, am against abortion, am an ardent Creationist, and reject all science/reason in favor of the impending apocalypse that will surely happen in the next day or so. The only problem is that I...well...I'm actually none of those things. I temper my faith with intense reason, and thus do not deny scientific fact (from evolution on up). Moreover, I could care less whether or not people embrace my personal, chosen faith. I am pro choice. I am against illegal immigration, but in favor of immigration achieved through our established channels. I accept all creeds, sexes, sexual orientations and races as human beings, and reject assholes. I understand that sexuality is not a choice (unless a non-gay decides to become "gay" to stay in vogue, which happens, though rare). I am a patriot who is against the war. I am a Republican who is decidedly non-conservative, and who feels that we have lost our way. I, basically, am not a fucking label. While your site is entertaining, I just hope that you know that there are people like me out there who may have a difference of opinion but are decidedly different from the rest of the assholes that you lampoon.


Dear Matt,
That’s great you’re an individual and all, but it seems even sillier to vote Republican if you disagree with them on everything. Good luck with those phony gays!


I'd like to see more mags like yours and Impious Digest sold in New Zealand. I've discovered your magazine through a link which was through another link. I've only just become interested in the real World News and Affairs since discovering a whole lot of imformation thru my researching and investigating subjects - eg:Freemasons,illuminati,nephilims,NWO,Ancient civilisations,and so much more which has come about since i took an interest in Revelations and Freemasons. I had attended a conference that Chuck Missler spoke at, which came about quite by chance, and i heard startling stuff that compelled me to investigate a couple of things and well i've just kept on going and going. I come across imformation by chance alot of times and it's all in sync with wot i'm interested in! I admit i never took much notice of the world politics and going ons becos i felt it insignificant in regards to my life in my world. I was shallow, extremely obsessed with materialism,and some superficial things because i am the product of a material shallow enviroment and a victim of fashion and vanity. I guess i was a Paris Hilton before Paris Hilton, only with alot lot lot less money! I'm also not slutty, and i don't lack class, however i've been known to be a ditz and party girl and in love with all the attention and glamour etc! Now i'm part that gal still within, but i am so serious about my research, the future and spreading what i have learnt and am learning. Anyway, i'm writing because i am so interested in being an agent for your magazine for New Zealand sales. I'm keen to represent and sell mags like yours and Impious Digest. By the way i use to be an addict buyer of magazines like COSMO, CLEO, NW, OK, GLAMOUR, MADAMOISELLE, HARPERS BIZAAR,NEW WOMEN ETC,HOWEVER NOW I HATE MOST OF THE CONTENT AND THE MESSAGES THEY ARE SENDING OUT TO THEIR READERS, AND IT WOULD BE GREAT TO DO A MAGAZINE THAT WOULD ATTRACT THE SAME READERS WITH THE FASHION AND HIP STUFF TO ENTICE READERS LESS THE TRASH AND FILTH AND ARTICLES THAT DU! MB DOWN THE EASILY LEAD TYPES. A MAGAZINE THAT WOULD CONTAIN SUCH RICH INSIGHTS AND KNOWLEDGE WHILST ALSO CONTAINING CELEBRITY CONTENT, MOSTLY FOCUSING ON THE HIP,COOL,STYLY GIRLS AND GUYS WHO ARE GOOD ROLE MODELS.AS THEY SAY...DO THE OPPOSITE TO THE STATUS QUO!!

Johanna Davis

Dear Johanna,
We’re glad you’ve shed your mindless materialism. Now it’s time to realize not everything you read on the internet is true. And incidentally, the material most likely to be untrue on the internet is the text in ALL CAPS. ALL CAPS TEXT SIGNIFIES AN IRRATIONAL SENSE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE, AND IS LIKELY TO HAVE BEEN TYPED BY A PERSON DESCENDING INTO SCHIZOPHRENIA!! THANKS FOR DROPPING US A LINE!!!


First-timer, loved the writing. Number nine, I suppose, although I never watch CNN anymore (died before Turner sold it, and then there's Glenn Beck,) and, living in LA, have no need to watch any celebrity news, as it is an actual, measured air pollutant in the LA Basin, measured in dnpd (dead neurons per day) per person.

Got it on a recommend, and will include as a recommended link on the Club's newsletter. Oh, did I mention I'm the president of a large Democratic Club out here?

Shoot me.

PS: Amen on Pelosi & Reid. And I was my Club's moderate candidate for prez, who said, "Screw impeachment, let's work to get a majority in Congress and show America our agenda."

Well, screw me once shame on them, screw me...again...I won't get screwed again! Impeach him, and remove these two wimps, before the new official slogan for America is 'SSDR' (Same Shit, Different Republican.)

Kelley Willis

Dear Kelley,
Too late. The tourist board is already printing up the brochures.


Thanx for the hilarious story of your visit to the Creation Museum! My son & daughter-in-law took my 4 yr. old granddaughter to see it recently; Mommy is "home schooling" her, for her "preschool" Darwin help us! She also teaches at her CHURCH the TEENAGERS.

I didn't raise my son to be a fundmentalist Christian, but after my Divorce, he unfortunately went to live w/ his stupid Dad for High School, & his Dad, who had traded BOOZE for the BIBLE, took him to a local Kentucky fundamentalist (REALLY) church, then after his Marriage, he started going to a United Methodist Church, which apparently is teaching the fundamentalist type of stuff, including Creationism, "End Times" idiocy like "Left Behind" books, etc.

So, I've been REALLY bummed out, as I'm 60 & to me, "Tommy" rock opera, "Jesus Christ SuperStart" rock opera, & the "hippie" Jesus freak type of "Christianity, as well as "Environmental" creation care, is my thing!!

My daughter in law told me emphatically that you "can't be a Christian if you believe in EVOLUTION", & believes if you don't believe exactly her beliefs, you will "go to hell".

I hope my son at least will become more open minded, as he gets older. He's 30.


Dear Atomic,
We hate to break it to you, but becoming more open-minded after 30 is not exactly typical. Try giving him some acid.



I have always read your 50 list every year, but never spent any time reading the rest of the site. Until this week.

Bravo. And thanks. Exceptional writing. Like before it started sucking. I've sent the URL around to my fellow shitheads and douchebags.

You're bookmarked, and will be a part of my daily routine at work, where I pretend to work.


Dear Bmack,
They can read your e-mail, you know.


This was a good article, as semi-automatic rotten tomato cannons go, but I think it was greatly diminished by the exclusion of John Bolton. Naturally, there are any number of other pernicious turd-burglers one could cite as deserving of inclusion here -- Ehud Olmert, Ehud Barach, Pervez Musharraf, etc. -- the list is endless, and I think readers understand that there's just no way to properly tar and feather all of them.

Still, I can't help but think the omission of Bolton was a real weakness here. I mean, is there really ANYONE in this hemisphere more truly deserving of having his Stinking Blowhole Syndrome "cured" by being buried head-first in fetid heap of elephant dingus? Really now.


Dear DKM,
We were going to include Bolton, but then he threatened to nuke us. He’d do it too; you know he would.


Dear Buffalo Beast, Let me start off by saying that I live in Portland, Maine. Yes, I know, "What the fuck am I doing here?" crosses my mind daily—no need to tell me that. I came here, from Buffalo, for a job, and I hate it. This place is puritanical, close minded, and lacks diversity—I think there are about 6 black people who live here (and I am fairly convinced that if there was a Hispanic person walking the streets a good number of the Arcadian rejects and limey castoffs who call themselves Mainers would shit a proverbial brick). Sarcasm does not go a long way here, as I have recently been rudely made aware of (never tell a fisherman you think his mama is black and then offer condolences that she would've been a whore, white or black), and, well, when it comes to finding females that aren't the size of polar bears—the likes of which need to be brought down with a tranquilizer gun to keep them from seeing me as lunch or dinner—the song "It's Raining Men" comes to mind, alleluia! To make a long story short, I would like to thank you guys for keeping me sane (or insane, depending how the world sees these things nowadays) and for making me ponder of a return to the Queen City. I look forward to the day when I might be able to sit down, again, at either Essex or Merlin's, or any number of my favorite dives, and slam back cheep beer and chase women of lose moral fiber and ill repute. Cheers you ungrateful fucks (I use "ungrateful fucks" respectfully, of course), Dan PS Did I mention the bars close at 1 here, thus making it very difficult to get a proper drunk on.

Jeff Chism replies:
Jou hav found a playz almozt gompledely razially pure, und jou don’t lige it?! Dummkopf! Zat zounds lige zey have embrazed ze tenets of Lebensraum! Und ze vomen ah saftig, ja? Pleazandly plump, ja?! Eet zounds just lige ze Deutschland, ja?! How vould a Neezan Dealerzhip do een zis playz called Maine?

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