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This Just In: You’re a Jackass

A Special Report by Stone Rockman

We apologize for this interruption, but we have breaking news at this hour. Corroborating reports have surfaced over the past few minutes, all of which indicate that you are, in fact, a jackass.

Your status as a jackass has been independently confirmed by family members, coworkers, childhood friends, former spouses, and the Congressional Office of Budget Management. The White House has officially declined comment on the matter, but sources inside the Pentagon say that it is a matter of general consensus that your level of jackassery is severe.

Theories vary widely on the reasons for your status as a jackass, but perhaps the most popular is your shitty attitude, which has been described as “worse than getting bugsprayed in the face” by an officemate. Other reasons given include your stupid clothes, the way you drive, and the acrid, tear-inducing cologne you apply excessively. “He must have gallons of that filth at home,” commented someone you think of as a friend. “God, I hate that guy.”

Your habitual drinking has also been shown to contribute to your jackass credentials. Statistics show that your capacity for jackass-like behavior increases exponentially as your blood-alcohol level rises. “Don’t get me wrong,” an ex-girlfriend of yours cautions, “He’s always a jackass. But when he gets drunk, he is the biggest jackass in the world.” Others report witnessing several incidents of serious jackassery, including wobbly, flailing dancing, forcible groping of women, belligerence toward total strangers, pool table tantrums, the careless breaking of glassware, attempting to “jam” with professional musicians on stage, and a total absence of bartender-tipping. “Oh he’s a jackass all right,” says one stiffed bartender about you. “You look up ‘jackass’ in the dictionary, there’s a picture of that jerk.”

We will continue to monitor this developing story, and bring you updates when further details surface about you being a jackass.