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The BEAST Page 5 Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge

Name: Bill Bradley’s neck

Turn-ons: Bullfrogs, tight-fitting collars, basketball-playing presidential candidates, reruns of “The White Shadow”

Turn-offs: Superdelegates, neck snobs, plastic surgeons, people who stare

How I got to be the BEAST Page 5 Disturbing Senatorial Neck Bulge: I’m not really sure—what am I, a goiter or something? Maybe I’m just natural excess of skin? A consequence of the pituitary anomalies that create men of NBA height? Whatever I am, my unmentionably off-putting appearance may have been enough to tip the balance for Gore to win the nomination in 2000, and I’m certainly not doing much to help Obama now. Seriously, how can this guy walk around with me hanging off his head, and expect everyone not to mention it? If a neck stands out among the wizened, drooping wattles of “Meet the Press,” it’s time to call a medic.

Future plans: For the immediate future, I’ll be haunting the dreams of an 8-year-old child in Erie, PA, who imagines me to be brimming with neuroparasitic insectoid aliens, waiting to be vomited forth at Obama’s inauguration. Beyond that, I plan to continue my work distracting people from whatever former senator Bradley may actually be talking about.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the inspiration for the “neck sleeve,” a fashion trend that will become de rigeur among aging public figures over the next few years.