Beast Banner April 2008
ISSUE #125
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Features

ArrowImmune to Reality
Why is the GOP so worried about telecom immunity?
Allan Uthman

ArrowHardballin' with Chris Matthews
An infuriating encounter
Ian Murphy

ArrowHormone Whore Moans
Doping in baseball? No shit, Mitchell
Paul Jones

ArrowChildren's Campaign
Young voters are heartbreakers
Tina Dupuy

ArrowThe First 100 Days
Our graphic projections for the three possible next presidents

ArrowRecession Recipes that won't Break the Bank
The bank can't foreclose on these subprime delights!

ArrowDeath, Taxes & Celebrity
Leeching on Lohan & Ledger
Steve Gordon

ArrowHillary or Cobra Commander?
A serious comparison
Erich Shulte

Women's History Month content!

ArrowThe BEAST Abridged Guide to Herstory
You've come a long way, cuntbag

ArrowStrengthen your Relationship in 10 Psychotic Steps
Obsess your way to romantic success!

ArrowThe BEAST Guide to Bulimia
Famine is in!

ArrowSpecial Women's Advertising Section
Products for the modern woman

ArrowA Brief Message from the Girls of Africa
A modest request

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Democracy Usurpers

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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Top 10 Signs US Economy is Collapsing

10. Bush administration reluctantly reverses abstinence-only policy, permits corporate sponsor Trojan Condoms to cover Washington Monument with giant rubber.

9. Major film studios void contracts of major stars, casting all roles with sacks of surplus corn discounted from government-subsidized farms.

8. Jim Cramer squirts blood from his eyes.

7. Long-forgotten “small” size returns to fast food, clothing industries

6. Rising price of Champagne forces hip-hop artists to adopt the McShake as the preferred ho-dousing beverage.

5. Government accepts offer from Toho Company, Ltd. to purchase Lincoln Memorial, agrees to sandblast President into Godzilla.

4. Monster.com flooded with postings for sharecroppers.

3. Illegal immigrants bypassing Rio Grande, opting to swim Pacific Ocean directly to Canada.

2. USDA releases revised Food Pyramid, extolling the benefits of a diet “rich in hallucinogens.”

1. Asian tourists to America now vacationing in U-Hauls.



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