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ArrowBait & Switch
Freely trading lies for votes
Allan Uthman

ArrowDirty Rock
Jay Rockefeller is a jerk
Alexander Zaitchik

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Someone had to say it
Ian Murphy

ArrowSuck my Jong
Old cunt attacks Matt Taibbi
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Urge to Surge
Bhagwan Petraeus returns!
Stan Goff

ArrowAIDS Wolf on Murder Night
Includes a brief mention of some band!
Steve Gordon

ArrowBring on the Boycott
Anything to avoid the Olympics
Michael J. Smith

Fauxtures

ArrowNo, I am Not Fucking Bitter
A rural PA voter speaks out

ArrowThe Virgin Suicides
A NEWSBEAST exclusive from Muslim Paradise
Evan Thomas

ArrowWords that Jerk
It's not what you say, it's what people fear
Frank Luntz

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
This Issue's Election Science: The Clintonian Uncertainty Principle, The Truth/Outrage Obameter

ArrowObama Offers Clinton Nomination for Cigarette
Scott Borchert

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No, I am Not Fucking Bitter

By John Q. Crimsoncollar

Yes, I am a long-unemployed Pennsylvanian, and yes, my economic situation could be better. But I am outraged at Barack Obama’s statements about my neighbors and me being “bitter,” and “clinging” to guns, religion, and antipathy toward others unlike us.

This is patently absurd. I have lived here in rural Pennsylvania my whole life, and I have never left, so I assume my community is the most optimistic and hopeful in existence. Could bitter people vote so selflessly, against their economic interests, and in favor of much more fortunate people? I think not! Could a bitter person gun down animals for kicks? Well, you got me there.

But gun ownership is a longstanding tradition here in PA, long predating current economic hard times. My family has a history of gun ownership dating back to the Emancipation Proclamation, when my ancestors armed themselves against the ensuing onslaught of freed Negroes. My new assault rifles are only to combat the much more cunning tactics of the Mexican threat.

How could I be bitter, when my financial struggle has opened up new avenues of experience for me? Had I kept my old job, I might have gone on eating steak, seafood and the like, possibly developing gout, diabetes or coronary disease. But now, thanks to new opportunities to learn about nutrition, I find my new diet, consisting mainly of grubs and nettles, to be surprisingly healthful and invigorating. I’m sure my doctor would approve, if I could afford one.

Why would I be bitter about my jog being exported to China? Of course America abandoned manufacturing; we’re the richest country in the world! Rich people don’t waste time making things; they pay foreigners to do it! Would Donald Trump waste his time building a mansion? Of course not. He’d hire people to do it for him. America is Donald Trump.

It enrages me that this liberal elitist would attack my religious faith as a simple crutch to lean on in hard times. Sure, I only started going to church regularly after I lost my job, but I was quite busy prior to that event. I’ll never forget the transcendent moment of my first prayer: “Oh Lord, please give me some money.”

And, like our faith and our guns, antipathy toward minorities is another longstanding tradition here in Pennsylvania. Believe me, I had the same negative feelings about people who don’t look like me when I was still pulling down $46 an hour capping spark plugs. So don’t tell me I’m bitter, Goddamit!

Really, Obama’s statements fill me with intense antagonism and hostility. Bitter? Me? Man, it makes me angry! What would a bunch of affluent intellectuals living in a temperate, coastal metropolis know about happiness anyway? Happiness is something to be earned, through years of deprivation and suffering. There is no shortcut!

If Obama thinks the Midwest is full of bitter, armed bigots, I’m surprised at how often he’s been showing up around here. He’s liable to get his head blown off—If we were bitter, that is, which we’re not, as I’ve been saying.



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