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Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Taurus, you may have a broken spine and infected third degree burns covering your back and legs, but look at it this way: The jet pack worked!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, you can’t drink Mountain Dew all day and then complain about the quality of your tap water.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

According to some, Cancer, the time to avert environmental catastrophe has passed, and it is simply too late to save the planet, and therefore ourselves. So just put on the bunny outfit and assume the position, all right?

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

There are many lessons to be learned from the Eliot Spitzer hooker scandal, Leo, and one of them is that you make far less money than a hooker. Good luck paying your student loans.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

I know you don’t really think Barack Obama is a secret Muslim, Virgo. It just sounds better than “I won’t vote for a nigger.” But honestly, it doesn’t sound that much better.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

You wouldn’t know the difference between Sunni and Shia either, Libra, if you had high-breasted lobbyists to fuck.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your music sucks, Scorpio. But no one will ever tell you that, because you’re a cute girl. Enjoy your recording career, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Nobody gives a fuck that someone scratched your car, you pompous fruitcake. Besides, you should have called me back, Sagittarius.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

I’m not saying you don’t deserve to die, Capricorn; I just think that driving around looking for a Pinto to crash into is not the most efficient way to do it. Quit stalling, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

I’m curious, Aquarius: at what point in a man’s life does the specific dementia set in that causes him to think that a comb-over will fool people into thinking he’s not bald? Because I’m hoping to kill myself right about then. You’re not fooling anyone, Aquarius.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

It’s not that I wouldn’t lie about disembarking in Bosnia under sniper fire to impress people, Pisces; it’s just that I wouldn’t do it if I was under unprecedented levels of intensive media scrutiny, and had a reputation as a bullshit artist, and there was video footage of the conspicuously un-sniped greeting ceremony I attended on the tarmac there. Lying is one thing, Pisces, but lying when any idiot would know you’d get caught, now that is decidedly uninspiring.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You know why you love opera so much, Aries? Because operas are just old musicals, and you’re gay. The stars don’t lie, Aries.