We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

OPERATION STUPORDELEGATE

MISSION: To find out how easy it is to get the Democratic superdelegates on the phone—and bribe, blackmail and coerce them if possible. Or just mess with their staff.

MATERIALS: A very limited soundboard of low fidelity, shoddily edited Hillary Clinton audio clips, phone.

CLINTON AUDIO KEY:
Regular text = quiet yet audible speech.
Italic text = fuzzy, nearly inaudible.
ALL CAPS = LOUD, DISTORTED.
BOLD CAPS = SHOUTING.
(Clips that have been edited together will be represented by a corresponding juxtaposition of regular, CAPITALIZED, italicized and BOLD text.)

Call #1: Harry E. Mitchell, representing Arizona’s 5^th congressional district.

(listen to the call.)

Man: Congressman Mitchell’s Office.

Hillary Clinton: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.

Man: Hello?

HC: HELLO?

Man: Uh...

HC: Congressman MITCHELL.

Man: Yes.

HC: Yes.

[Pause]

HC: RIGHT NOW! DO IT!

Man: Excuse me?

HC: DO IT!

[Click]

Call #2: Rick Larsen, representing Washington’s 2^nd congressional district.

(listen to the call.)

Man: Representative Rick Larsen’s office.

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.

Man: Hi there, what can I do for ya’?

HC: Tell me exactly what the state of play is.

Man: I’m sorry, on what?

HC: GET STARTED AND GET STARTED QUICKLY!

[Long pause]

HC: HELLO?

Man: Yes, I can hear you. What did you say?

HC: My own set of MOOSE TESTICLES. HMMM, DELICIOUS!

[Long pause]

HC: I’ve got to tell you about something very, very ugly.

Man: What’s that?

HC: Four hours of video tape, twenty-two hours of audio tape—gratuitously graphic and degrading SEX, or some variation of it—marital infidelities were exposed—long and complex relationship with WHORES, homosexuals, hippies, opium, human waste, sick. I was shocked. This kind of conversation would be no one’s business but our own.

[Long pause]

HC: HELLO?!

Man: Yes, I’m not really sure what to say.

HC: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Do you know where he went?

Man: Uh… I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. I’m going to hang up now.

HC: NO!

[Click.]

Call #3: Jim McDermott, representing Washington’s 7^th congressional district.

(listen to the call.)

Woman: Congressman Jim McDermott’s office.

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.

Woman: HI.

HC: HELLO?

Woman: Hi! (chuckles)

HC: Hi.

Woman: Can I help you?

HC: YES!

Woman: Uh… it’s a little bit difficult to hear you.

HC: Okay. LOUD AND CLEAR.

Woman: Okay, I’ve got you now. How can I help you?

HC: Okay. Let’s call a press conference.

Woman: Okay?

HC: DO IT!

[Pause]

HC: HELLO?

Woman: Hello?

HC: I have a picture of you in my office; I look at it everyday. I love you so much.

[Click]

Call #4: John Lewis, representing Georgia’s 5^th congressional district.

(listen to the call.)

Man: Good afternoon, office of Congressman John Lewis.

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton

Man: Can I help you ma’am?

HC: Hi.

Man: Hello?

HC: HELLO?

Man: Yeah, I’m sorry I just couldn’t hear you very well.

HC: HILLARY CLINTON.

Man: Yes, just one second please.

HC: Okay.

[On hold, 20 seconds]

Congressman John Lewis: Hello?

HC: Hi.

JL: Hi. How you doin’?

HC: Okay.

JL: Uh… this is John Lewis.

HC: It’s great to talk to you.

JL: Uh… who do you want to speak with?

HC: Just name THE PRICE. If you want a taste of MONEY, keep going. This sort of conversation would be no one’s business but our own.

JL to staffer: Put it down on—put it down on the speaker.

HC: What can we do about it?

[Long pause]

HC: HELLO?! HELLO?!

JL: Hello?

HC: Hi.

HC: Tell me exactly what the state of play is.

JL: The who?

HC: I’m really serious; I want you to think about it. You won’t believe what the Secret Service agents told me… I learned about your PRIVATE life. I was shocked.

[Long pause]

Staffer in background: That’s her voice though.

[Click]

Call #5: Michael Michaud, representing Maine’s 2^nd congressional district.(listen to the call.)

Woman: Good evening, Congressman Michaud’s office.

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton

Woman: Hiya. How are you?

HC: Okay.

Woman: Do you want to speak to the Congressman?

HC: Yes.

Woman: One moment.

[On hold, 20 seconds]

Congressman Michaud: Hello?

HC: Hi.

CM: Hello?

HC: HELLO?!

[Long pause]

HC: So, let’s talk, let’s chat.

CM: Okay! (chuckles)

HC: What can we do about it? You know, the Republicans—they’re not going to give up PLANTING AND NOURISHING SEEDS OF DOUBT, bashing working class BITTERNESS, race, religion, REVEREND WRIGHT. Too much is a stake for us to be distracted from what really matters.

[BEAST computer freezes, Congressman Michaud listens silently for a full minute, hangs up]

Call #6: Nick Rahall, representing West Virginia’s 3^rd congressional district.

(listen to the call.)

Woman: Congressman Nick Rahall’s office, may I help you?

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.

Woman: Hello?

HC: HELLO?

Woman: Hello?

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.

Woman: Uh… just one second.

HC: Okay.

[Long pause]

Same woman: Hello?

HC: Hi.

Woman: Hello?

HC: Quid pro quo. You know, the Republicans—they’re not going to give up PLANTING AND NOURISHING SEEDS OF DOUBT, bashing working class BITTERNESS, race, religion, REVEREND WRIGHT. Too much is a stake for us to be distracted from what really matters.

[Inaudible discussion in the background]

HC: HELLO?!

Woman to coworker: It’s a… a phone call… and they cut the clips of Hillary speaking and put it together, so it sounds like her talking.

Coworker: Oh, I don’t want to hear this… bashing Hillary crap.

Woman: No it’s just random.

Woman into phone: Hello?

HC: Hi.

[Long pause, inaudible discussion]

HC: HELLO? COME ON, COME ON!

Coworker: What is this? Where’d it come from?

Woman: It’s called robo-dialing.

Coworker: Who’s paying for this?

HC: HILLARY LAND!

Woman: Hillary Land?

[Click]

Call #7: Herb Kohl, senior senator from Wisconsin.

(listen to the call.)

Man: Office of Senator Kohl.

HC: Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.

Man: Hello?

HC: HELLO?

Man: This is Senators Kohl’s office.

HC: HILLARY CLINTON.

Man: Are you calling?

HC: YES!

Man: Okay.

HC: Okay.

Man: Could you hold one moment?

BEAST: YES INDEED!

Man: all right, thank you.

HC: Of course.

[On hold, 30 seconds]

Man: One moment, Senator Clinton.

HC: Okay.

[Phone rings, woman picks up]

Woman: Senator Clinton? This is Irene. I’m going to put Senator Kohl on.

HC: Okay.

Woman: One minute please.

[Silence, 15 seconds]

Herb Kohl: Hello?

HC: Hi.

HK: This is Herb Kohl. Who’s this?

HC: HILLARY CLINTON. You won’t believe what the Secret Service agents told me. And it was awful to watch. (Wrong button!)

HK: Yeah.

HC: HELLO?

HK: Hello, Hillary… who’s this?

HC: Let’s call a press conference.

HK: Who is this?

HC: HILLARY CLINTON.

HK: It’s just some nut…

[Click]

RESULTS: Fair to poor. No superdelegates bribed or blackmailed. However, that any of these obviously phony calls lasted longer than five seconds is a goddamn miracle, and a testament to the stupidity of congressional staffers.

MORAL: None.