Beast Banner June 2008
ISSUE #127
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We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Features

ArrowA Special Welcome from Hardcore Hillary Voters
The Sour Grapes of Wrath

ArrowExhuming McCarthy
Tailgunner Joe speaks
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Nader Fader
The amazing disappearing candidate
Ian Murphy

ArrowChabad to the Bone
A very special Passover
Paul Jones

ArrowZINNTERVIEW!
Howard Zinn plays along

ArrowBEAST FINANCIAL: THUG MOTIVATIN'
Buffalo's own "Bags of Money" raps about his unique brand of self-help program.

ArrowOPERATION STUPORDELEGATE
"Senator Clinton" calls a few Superdelegates, with erratic results.

ArrowWorld News, American Views
Images from around the globe, with captions Americans care about.

ArrowThe Great Estrangement
Matt Taibbi's The Great Derangement
Book Review by Paul Jones

ArrowOedipus Dreck
Madonna's old, Hard Candy
Music Review by Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Penis-Shrinking Endocrine Receptor Agonist

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

A very special welcome to the pussies who read The BEAST, from Hillary Clinton’s hardcore supporters.

We’re talking about the women, of course. We don’t intend, however, to ignore the men. Not by a long shot. In fact, we have a very special message for all the dickless wonders—yes, now we’re referring to the men—reading this issue.

If Barack “Barry” Hussein Islamofascist Terror Sleeper Cell Ivory Tower Elitist Obama should somehow manage to weasel his way to the Democratic nomination, brace yourselves for requital on a biblical scale.

You think you know about love? You haven’t the first notion. We will do anything and everything to secure the Democratic ticket for Hillary and the impotent faggot VP of her choosing. But if, by some patriarchal conspiracy, she is denied what is rightfully hers, we won’t hesitate for a moment to scuttle Obama’s campaign.

You think we’re at all daunted by the prospect of a McCain presidency? You think the threat of overturning Roe v. Wade really scares us? That’s you guys, isn’t it? Always thinking with your crotches and ours. Well consider this: If anyone but Hillary gets in, you’re all cut off. And that’s not a figure of speech: any handy jagged implement will do. We’ll make Lysistrata look like an episode of “Ally McBeal.” Suddenly sucking out your degenerate spawn doesn’t seem all that problematic. And trust us, we won’t be missing anything.

While we’ve got you by the balls, so to speak, try wrapping your tiny, flaccid minds around this—it’s a stretch, we know, but think long and hard about it—is this how you want things to go down? Yeah, we know all too well that you don’t understand the first thing about going down. So, take our word for it here. You don’t want Obama bad enough.



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