We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Name: Bisphenol A; my bitches at the EPA call me BPA, dawg.

Turn-ons: Urethra dysfunction, premature puberty, testicular cancer, mimicking estrogen

Turn-offs: Glass, Robert Kennedy Jr., negative publicity, Canada, big penises.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Penis Shrinking Endocrine Receptor Agonist: Well, it’s easy to make when you’re plastic, baby! But I’m not just any plastic. I’m in your water bottles, I’m, lining your cans, I’m all up in food containers and even baby bottles. That’s how I leech yo. I’m found in 95% of your urine, dawg! That’s right, I’m so large you be pissing me out! Even with my short half-life of 1-10 years, I be a significant pollutant due to my prevalence and low acute toxicity, bitches!

Future plans: Well, Canada banned my use in products for children, So I guess it’ll be harder to feminize the hosers. Here in the U.S., though, average levels in people are above those that cause harm to animals in laboratory experiments, yet below the very tolerant human exposure limit recommended by my EPA crew. So I’ll be doing my thing, dawg!

How I'd like to be remembered: As the useful little chemical that turned Americans into obese girly-men with swollen prostates.