Beast Banner June 2008
ISSUE #127
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We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Features

ArrowA Special Welcome from Hardcore Hillary Voters
The Sour Grapes of Wrath

ArrowExhuming McCarthy
Tailgunner Joe speaks
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Nader Fader
The amazing disappearing candidate
Ian Murphy

ArrowChabad to the Bone
A very special Passover
Paul Jones

ArrowZINNTERVIEW!
Howard Zinn plays along

ArrowBEAST FINANCIAL: THUG MOTIVATIN'
Buffalo's own "Bags of Money" raps about his unique brand of self-help program.

ArrowOPERATION STUPORDELEGATE
"Senator Clinton" calls a few Superdelegates, with erratic results.

ArrowWorld News, American Views
Images from around the globe, with captions Americans care about.

ArrowThe Great Estrangement
Matt Taibbi's The Great Derangement
Book Review by Paul Jones

ArrowOedipus Dreck
Madonna's old, Hard Candy
Music Review by Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Penis-Shrinking Endocrine Receptor Agonist

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hey Gemini, it’s not usually a big deal if you get a little woody while slow-dancing with a girl, but it’s considered poor form at church-sponsored father-daughter purity balls. If you don’t want her mom to find out, you might want to think about buying that Mini Cooper she’s been asking for.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re not going insane, Cancer, and your dog isn’t talking to you. Your neighbor is yelling through the vents. KILL HIM!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

If there was such a thing as “collective consciousness,” Leo, don’t you think you’d be conscious of it? Damn hippies.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

You’ve got to face facts and call for help. It been three hours, Virgo, and waiting longer won’t get the penis out of the jacuzzi jet.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

I’ve got news, Libra: The “elevator guy” in your building is unemployed. He just lives in there. So you should probably hit your own buttons from now on, or better yet take the stairs, chubs.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Your boyfriend’s not sexist, Scorpio; it’s just that your plan to vote McCain to spite Obama for beating Hillary means that you really are a self-victimizing, emotional, irrational, vindictive bitch. I hope you get pregnant the day after the Supreme Court reverses Roe v. Wade. In fact, I will arrange it.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey, it’s no big deal, Sagittarius; abandoning hope and forfeiting your self-respect is a small price to pay for an endless supply of shitty coke. I mean, who wouldn’t make that bargain?

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Say evolution is “just a theory” one more time, Capricorn, and you’re going to be “just drowning.”

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Jesus, Aquarius, would you shut up about “Firefly” already? Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

I know what you’re thinking, Pisces: You’re going to have to kill Chris Crocker if somebody actually gives him a TV show, aren’t you? Well, I wholeheartedly endorse the idea. The stars command it!

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your fortunes are turning for the worse, Aries. You lost your job and your house, and can’t afford to pay your medical expenses. Food and gas are so pricey that you don’t know how you’ll feed your kids tomorrow. I could help you out, but you voted for Bush twice, so stew in it, asshole.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Where’s your fucking flag pin, Taurus?



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