We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hey Gemini, it’s not usually a big deal if you get a little woody while slow-dancing with a girl, but it’s considered poor form at church-sponsored father-daughter purity balls. If you don’t want her mom to find out, you might want to think about buying that Mini Cooper she’s been asking for.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’re not going insane, Cancer, and your dog isn’t talking to you. Your neighbor is yelling through the vents. KILL HIM!

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

If there was such a thing as “collective consciousness,” Leo, don’t you think you’d be conscious of it? Damn hippies.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

You’ve got to face facts and call for help. It been three hours, Virgo, and waiting longer won’t get the penis out of the jacuzzi jet.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

I’ve got news, Libra: The “elevator guy” in your building is unemployed. He just lives in there. So you should probably hit your own buttons from now on, or better yet take the stairs, chubs.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Your boyfriend’s not sexist, Scorpio; it’s just that your plan to vote McCain to spite Obama for beating Hillary means that you really are a self-victimizing, emotional, irrational, vindictive bitch. I hope you get pregnant the day after the Supreme Court reverses Roe v. Wade. In fact, I will arrange it.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey, it’s no big deal, Sagittarius; abandoning hope and forfeiting your self-respect is a small price to pay for an endless supply of shitty coke. I mean, who wouldn’t make that bargain?

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Say evolution is “just a theory” one more time, Capricorn, and you’re going to be “just drowning.”

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Jesus, Aquarius, would you shut up about “Firefly” already? Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

I know what you’re thinking, Pisces: You’re going to have to kill Chris Crocker if somebody actually gives him a TV show, aren’t you? Well, I wholeheartedly endorse the idea. The stars command it!

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your fortunes are turning for the worse, Aries. You lost your job and your house, and can’t afford to pay your medical expenses. Food and gas are so pricey that you don’t know how you’ll feed your kids tomorrow. I could help you out, but you voted for Bush twice, so stew in it, asshole.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Where’s your fucking flag pin, Taurus?