Beast Banner June 2008
ISSUE #127
Issue 122 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Comix
Web BEAST Blog
 
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise

We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Features

ArrowA Special Welcome from Hardcore Hillary Voters
The Sour Grapes of Wrath

ArrowExhuming McCarthy
Tailgunner Joe speaks
Allan Uthman

ArrowThe Nader Fader
The amazing disappearing candidate
Ian Murphy

ArrowChabad to the Bone
A very special Passover
Paul Jones

ArrowZINNTERVIEW!
Howard Zinn plays along

ArrowBEAST FINANCIAL: THUG MOTIVATIN'
Buffalo's own "Bags of Money" raps about his unique brand of self-help program.

ArrowOPERATION STUPORDELEGATE
"Senator Clinton" calls a few Superdelegates, with erratic results.

ArrowWorld News, American Views
Images from around the globe, with captions Americans care about.

ArrowThe Great Estrangement
Matt Taibbi's The Great Derangement
Book Review by Paul Jones

ArrowOedipus Dreck
Madonna's old, Hard Candy
Music Review by Eric Lingenfelter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Penis-Shrinking Endocrine Receptor Agonist

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

AMBASSADORS FOR THE DNC

Gee you are such a wise man [Ian Murphy, “Fuck the Troops,” issue 126]. Do you feel the same about the Taliban, the Palestian's Hamas all those wonderful suicide bombers who die for 72 virgins and have mentally ill women strap on bombs in the name of Allah. Of Maliki must be a surrogate of the US. and Iran of course when they are bombed for their nuclear plants and arming Sadr will of course get what they deserve. Or is it only the US soldiers who get what they deserve. You prove that when the left says they support the troops that is purely platitudes. At least you speak what the left really feels give you credit for that.
-Michelle

Dear Michelle,
Hey, this representing the entire left thing is awesome! Ward Churchill’s going to be jealous! Yes, of course we love the Taliban; they’re so liberal! You getting this, Howard Dean? The left has spoken!

THE ALLIANCE EXPOSED!

"Liberals need to start calling a moron a moron—and openly mocking that moron if his positions or actions are indefensible. Just as Limbaugh or Hannity insults the left, tilting the battlefield so liberals are left scrounging for their patriotic bona fides, the left must begin attacking stupidity whether in the form of religious nonsense, “free market” capitalism or military worship."

Does that include telling Islam to drop dead? Does that include telling the Saudis to keep their money out of our universities? Does that include not sucking up to the muhajadeen?

God bless America, God save the Queen, and all who think otherwise can go straight to Mecca.
-USBeast

Dear USBeast,
Look, we already expressed our die-hard loyalty to the Taliban, so it would seem obvious the mujahadeen are our homies. It’s not “sucking up;” it’s heartfelt affection. GO ISLAMIC MILITANTS! ALLAHU AKBAR!

DIY

Someone needs to put a cap in this waste of human flesh ass.
-Carter Cobb

Dear Carter,
Why not you? Oh yeah, ‘cause you’re a pussy indulging in impotent fantasies of violence. Sorry.

TWINKIE THE KID

Cute article, cupcake.

Now, I triple-dare you to read your column out loud in the bar of your choice outside the main gate of Fort Drum NY on a Saturday night. I'm sure a lot of 10th Mountain Division troops will be very eager to meet you up-close and personal.

So let's see how much of a man you really are, eh? As for me, I've got a $100 bill that says you don't have a hair on your pasty, pear-shaped ass.

Care to prove me wrong?
-Mark Jaeger

Dear Mark,
Why do you want to pay $100 to see Ian’s ass? Is that what you guys do up at Fort Drum? Oh right: Don’t ask, don’t tell. Sorry.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I can only hope that Ian Murphy pulls his head out of his ass before he meets a Marine who's heard what he's said.
-Ryan

Dear Ryan,
We admit that’s an embarrassing way to meet someone: “Hi, my name’s Joe OH MY GOD ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!” “Mmmmph! Mmmph!”

PATRIOTS FOR AHMADINEJAD

Those troops he is "fucking" are the same people who are sacraficing so he has the right to be a ball-less cock sucker!! If he is so unhappy with the way we treat our soldiers he can move to Iran and see what happens when he writes shit like this, they would hang him from the tallest tree they could find. Hopefully he understands that OUR soldiers have a back bone and are willing to fight for what they believe in. This dipshit is a pussy and I would like nothing more than to find him in a dark alley with no wittnesses. I can tell by his fucking retarded picture my five year old daughter would whoop his ass. But then again this guy has never faught for any thing in his life. If he had any honor at all he would take his own life before someone does it for him!!!
-sean

Dear Sean,
So what you’re saying is that the troops protect Ian’s right to be an asshole, but it would be better if he was killed, like in Iran. Wow, we never thought about it like that, mainly because we’re not fucking incoherent morons.

NON-THREATENING

I am not threatening you, I am challenging you. I dare any of you to come and visit me face to face. Do you believe enough in what you say to defend it personally to someone who disagrees? I doubt it but if you do, email me and I will be happy to work with you to set up a meeting. I look forward to explaining why you are mistaken in your accusations. You have a lot of gall to say what you do when it is the efforts of the good soldiers you denigrate that guarantee you the freedom you seem to take for granted.
-Mike Johnson

Dear Mike,
What, with these gas prices? Nah, we’ll meet you at the bike racks dude; be there or be square!

OUR FANBASE

I commend your edgy comentary designed to elicit outrage.
-Moonbat_One

Dear Moonbat,
Why do you hate America?

DOESN’T WANT US DEAD

Just discovered your wonderful site via lgf (which I don't visit much but have looked at a lot in the last two days). You are on the edge. On the edge, my son. If you're not on the edge you're taking up too much room. Keep it up.
-margot van vliet

Dear Margot,
Don’t you understand that it’s the TROOPS who give you the FREEDOM to say things? Don’t you see that that’s why you should NEVER do it? Go back to Iran, baby killer!

MERIT BITCH

Hello Taibbi,

You know, when you started your paper I bought a subscription because I liked your work at the eXile and wished you success with the Beast.

I am digusted now. I hope you and your paper fail and your work with it is a stigma upon your resumes. You will probably take this as a badge of merit. I hope it hounds you forever.
-Evan Kennedy

Dear Evan,
Nice name, white boy.

TO PROTECT AND BEAT UP

Spoken like the sniveling coward that you are, mocking men who guard your freedom to be a tapeworm.

If you are even in New Mexico, look me up. I am a 63-year-old Viet Nam Vet and would be happy to kick your craven ass.
-Viet Nam Vet From New Mexico

Dear Yankee Imperialist,
You’re 63 and want to fight? Let us call our bookie first.

STANDARD BOIL

YOUR SO RIGHT!! Woo Hoo!
As any good liberal knows if we do away with the military we can all live in PEACE!!! Damn!! Should have done this with Hitler and Tojo!! Why that dude from Iran is probably right about the Holocaust!! A big sham!! And I am sure the Japanese treated our troops with the utmost respect!! Bataan Death March? It did not really happen!! The military industrial machine is a big problem!! I'm betting all those Kurds supposedly gassed by Hussein weren't. Boy we really need to get our taxes raised and do away with all individual rights!! Democrats will take care of that!! I want Universal Health Care !! SO I have no choices in my health care and cna die a sooner dignified death and not leave a smaller carbon footprint!! As for those mafia hitmen sent over to Iraq thinking they were fighting a war on terror, to bad. We know the Guvmint flew those planes into the Twin Towers and kilt all them people!! Oh it so refreshing to read such a wonderful thoughtful, obscenity laced, ranting, article as yours!! Standard liberal writing!!
-Madd Medic

Dear Madd,
Thanks, fellow liberal! Don’t forget to kill a baby today!

TRUST ME, I’M A BLOGGER

What childish gibberish. I've been blogging and writing for years and that was perhaps the most pathetic, seditious, and mentally immature piece I've ever seen. You are a supreme example of the slobbering dolts that our public school system now seems to be producing in quantity.
-Dave Huntwork

Dear Dave,
Wow, blogging for years, huh? What a unique skill! Maybe you can help us out: Which brand of hemorrhoid donut-pillow is your favorite?

NO-SHOW

Up your Ass, Big Boy. I know where you live and I have every intention of fucking your significant other and cutting off your balls.
-Your worst nightmare

Dear Worst,
You sent this e-mail weeks ago. Where are you already? The Chex mix is going stale!

GET IN THE HOOD

Ian Murphy Fuck you punk ass mother fucker, piece of fucking shit, there a cell in Guantanamo waiting for you little bitch.
-Uncle Sam

Dear Sam,
Does it have cable?

WORDS THAT HURT

It goes without saying that your blog-vomiting on about what you really think about the troops is a complete waste of leftist pap, so there's no point in deconstructing it. Your opinion is still just your opinion, and we know that won't change so I will just say this:

You're a punk ass bitch. People with your opinions are punk ass bitches, one and all. Quite revealing how you stated too that you were heavy into narcotics for awhile. Real pice of shit you are, aren't you?

Punk. Ass. Bitch. Yes, that's you.
-Jon Davison

Dear Jon,
Why must you be so darned mean? You made our anuses cry!

LOVE CONNECTION

Hope you swing thru Swannanoa, NC some day...we could "talk" face to face....if u have the balls that is......loser.

Hope u r not queer, wouldn't want anything on my knuckles.........
-George Dixon

Dear George,
Hey, what a coincidence! It just so happens we’ll be passing through next week, on our way to have freaky tag-team sex with all the women in your yokel family. Why not send us your info and we can drop by, get to know each other a little. We’ll be expecting to hear from you.

WE JUST CAN’T DECIDE

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhen i come to blow your brains out which do you like the best,, 303 british,,long range, or 7mm mauser,,also long range,, or a nice 40cal,, very close range,, or how about not any choice.. My choice,,your suprise.

Dear Pussy,
Our first reaction to this illiterate death threat was laughter. Then we thought about it. Then we laughed some more. Then we went out for ribs. Good luck with the micro-penis.

CALL THE GOVERNOR

YOU WRITE:
"Personally, I’d rather live in a world where people who act like retards are treated like retards: executed in Texas."

Speaking as a Texan, I'm ready to start the IV drip on you any time, you fucking moral retard.
-Rhymes With Right

Dear Rhymes,
Let’s see; what rhymes with right? Hmm... quite? Nah. Bright? No, that certainly can’t be it. Blight? Probably not. Maybe... oh, white! Ha! That’s a good one. White rhymes with right! As in “white is right,” huh? We’ve heard that one somewhere. So, a hardcore racist Texan didn’t like our work? Yeah, we’ll try to get over it.

INTERNET TOUGH GUY

you are a cunt. It's too bad your mother didn't suck that john's dick that night instead of taking up the ass and shitting you out 9 months later. Internet toughguy. if you feel so strongly about your opinioon why don't you take you badass down to the airport and tell a Marine to his face "Fuck You". Because you are pussy. Better yet, don't waste a Marine's time. Why don't you just go get a gun (I know the idea sickens you but hang in there this won't take long) stick it in your mouth and be somebody. I hope end up in jail on the end of a big AIDS filled dick and die in misery. At least your mother will finally be rid of you.
-chris

Dear Chris,
Thanks for writing!

THANK GOD FOR DEAD IRAQIS

You should be thankful that you enjoy First Amendment Freedoms. Telling you that those Troops you despise keep that freedom for you is pointless. I'll just end by saying that if you ever find yourself confronted by a natural disaster, terrorist attack or other such malady that those despicable Troops are used to relieve or protect, you'll have the good graces to not call on them or accept their help. Rather, call on a protester for your aide.

I may be ill informed, but I at least know from where my freedoms are kept free. Then again, most don't appreciate something until they lose it.
-Lew Waters

Dear Lew,
Well you’re right about one thing; you may be ill-informed.

SILENCE OF THE LAM

Our team found your website promoting Netflix as a “sponsored affiliate” on buffalobeast.com/126/Fuck.the.troops.Ian.Murphy.html

Netflix has not agreed to sponsor this site and does not participate in affiliate sponsorships. Unfortunately, they have decided to temporarily remove you from their program.

Please remove the Netflix text link from your website as soon as possible.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Thank you for your anticipated compliance.
Best,
Diana Lam

Dear Diana,
Yeah, we’ll probably never get around to that. What are you wearing?

DISTANCE PERV

Doods! you know how in your last letters, that school teacher was asking for info about New York or something, and you put the address....... well, I jerked off in an envelope and just sent that, cool huh?! By the way, I'm so baked right about now whoaa! great magazine!
-annonomus

Dear...Annonomus...
Well, we can only hope you’re kidding, can’t we? That wasn’t a teacher, by the way, and you’re officially a pedophile now. Well, look on the bright side: Now whenever you move, which will be a lot, the entire neighborhood will know who you are before you even get there! Cozy.

TRAVEL AGENT

I have in mind a couple of resort spots for you dude. Anywhere in Arabia would be warm and allow you another glaring perspective as to 'troops'. Tehran Iran is another option that would assist you in an attitude and perception rebuild, restructure, and renewal. Between the lines of your attack are small truths; bloated, distorted, and enraged. However, just for the opportunity to utter this venom you should thank a soldier. For whenever and wherever the West concedes ideologically, politically and especially spiritually, Islam will be sure to conquer and subdue.

"Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism."
- George Washington -

If might does not make right, zeal and tolerance [for Islamic 'Diversity'] will!
9/11/01 NEVER FORGET!
-JihadSpinAdmin

Dear JSA,
Hey, thanks for reinforcing our preconceptions of war-loving conservatives as sheltered and woefully ignorant. There are plenty of Americans in Iran you idiot, who get around just fine. In a bustling metropolis like Tehran, there are tons of nice people to hang with and show us around. Tell you what: Foot the bill and we’ll move our whole operation there. After Ian’s column, we’d practically be celebrities! And by the way, we hope that Washington quotation was intended as self-deprecation. Who’s pretending patriotism?

CUSTOMER SERVICE

I just paid for a subscription because I felt bad for you guys and liked your mag before I read Fuck The Troops. I'm an OIF vet. Please cancel my subscription.
-Donald Bortz

Dear Donald,
No.

ANOTHER FREE SPEECH ABUSER

Excellent Thanks for voicing a truth filled perspective
-m

Dear M,
The truth filling is the tastiest part of the insult cake.

POST-TRAUMATIC PRESS DISORDER

Just what I have been saying for years!! I didn't have much respect for them even before i was drafted for the Viet Nam war!(Taken out of a good teaching job to wander around in a fucking marching band a get fucked up and do the all the work for the "lifers" that
sat on their asses and drank coffee all day long!)

I might send you some money if my social security income warrants the expense.

Seriously great humor!!!!!
-jd

Dear jd,
Come on, fork it over. What’s food and shelter in the face of great satire?

YAWN

I will be showing your article to some ex-SF guys I know. I would stay out of open spaces if I were you & try not to go anywhere by yourself.
-Wayne

Dear Wayne,
Setting aside the fact that you’re a flatulent vagina and probably wouldn’t know Special Forces from San Francisco, how exactly is the buddy system going to keep us from getting sniped?

PAWN IN THE GAME

Ian: I have to ask you whether you feel used by having your remarks about our military printed? And rebroadcast on blogs and political bulletin boards all over the internet? I am thinking that the negative reaction you illicit makes you look crazy or raving rather than directing attention to the circumstance of volunteer service men and women who sign up for a quesionable military engagement and get sympathy for their trouble. The younger ones especially sign up for education dollars or a career path apart from pumping gas without any real thought to the politics of war. This because of the insufferable marketing to join up that they and we are subject to on a daily basis. I have to wonder whether you have been used royally because almost no one wants to see these military personnel as responsible for their actions.
Do you feel used?
Best,
Nylda

Dear Nylda,
Only in the good way.



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
© Copyright 2002-2008, The Beast. All rights reserved.