We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

THE BEAST PAGE 5 APPALLING RACIST ANACHRONISM

Name: The Sock Obama™

Turn-ons: Pickaninnies, mammies, Sambos, tragic mulattoes, magical negroes, Jemimas, Jim Crows, white Utahans.

Turn-offs: Touchy Negroes, liberal traitors, demonstrative pastors, that Hillary Clinton nutcracker.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Appalling Racist Anachronism: I was born and raised in the United States of America. I proudly stand 16” tall and I’m made with high quality knit materials. Now, my macaca-like countenance has upset some people, much to my surprise, but I really think people need to settle down. I mean, I’m the homespun craft item that transcends race! My creators assure that they “simply made a casual and affectionate observation one night, and a charming association between a candidate and a toy we had when we were little.” Nothing racist about that! Sure, it’s kind of awkward that I’m a variation of something called a “sock monkey,” but hey, come on, let’s be post-racial about this. I mean, it’s not like I have a tail or anything. Oh wait, shit, I totally do have a tail! Goddamn, that’s motherfucking racist!

Future Plans: Oh, I’m just the fi rst in a long procession of alarming reminders over the next few months that America hasn’t changed quite as much as you thought. In fact I’m not the fi rst: In May, a bar owner in Georgia was selling “Obama ‘08” T-shirts featuring Curious George eating a banana. Hah! Enjoy general election season, suh!

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As a harbinger of a big change in race relations— back to the days when blacks were afraid to vote.