Beast Banner June 2008
ISSUE #128
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Features

ArrowFROM THE DITCH OF A BLUE-COLLAR GUY FROM BUFFALO
A welcoming message from Russert country

ArrowTHE WRATH OF CON
A faith healer in Buffalo
Ian Murphy

ArrowBIG FUSS
Tim Russert, "A guy who did the news and just died"
Paul Jones

ArrowMEDIA MANNERS
Media Matters for America's mission creep
Allan Uthman

ArrowGETTING FIT WITH JOHN McCAIN
My friends, this workout is for all hardworking Americans

ArrowSUMMER GAS-SAVING TIPS
Stave off bankruptcy with these helpful suggestions!

ArrowTHE DISPOSABLE OATH
Goff Angry!
Stan Goff

ArrowEAT SHIT & DIE
Diseased veggies are the meat industry's fault
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowOLD DOGS & HARD TIME
Convicted rapists are people too
Joe Bageant

ArrowPEN OR SWORD
Retired Navy Commander Ken Huber on Iran, Obama & Bathtub Admirals
Russ Wellen

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Appalling racist anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

 

HATE-FILLED RANT

A couple of hours ago Tim Russert died of a heart attack and already outpourings of sticky grief are soiling the internet.

All over supposedly liberal blogs there are not only the proper and justified expressions of sympathy for his loved ones, but also apparent attempts to deify him as a patron saint of journalism.

People are commenting about how they are in tears at his death, mourning the passing of "the last true journalist."

A few choice quotes:
"I never believed the big, fat news stories, until I heard it from The Reassert and only then, I knew it was true."

"You could always trust Tim to be fair and honest with who he was interviewing. "

"A sad day for the Russert family and the world. He represented the best of journalism and humanity."

"Tim was one of the few who recognized the grave error of many in the media, who did not do a good job during the past two elections and in selling America an illegal war. Tim was a man of great integrity who, after reading the Scott McClellan book, was able to see the errors within his profession and stated that the media had to do a better job this time."

These comments are from "progressives.'

Now, I know decorum requires that we wait a week or so before telling the truth about the recently deceased, but that doesn't require that we tell lies about him in the interim.

What about his role in the Plame affair?

What about his admission that he asks his cocktail party buddies in government their permission before he reports what he's learned from his connections?

What about his leading role in turning "journalism" into mere stenography?

The guy had a family who are in grief, they deserve our sympathy. He himself deserves all the sympathy any other now non-existent person deserves for having gone through one of the two most common human experiences.

But can we please not deify the guy? And if we have to, can we at least also deify... I dunno, one of the thousands of people who have died today who WEREN'T helping to destroy democracy... just to kinda balance things out?
-Jafafa Hots

Dear Hots,
But...but...TIMMEH!

PULLING OUT EARLY

Couldn't agree with Suck my Jong [Allison Kilkenny, issue 127] more.

Unfortunately, if you look-around the most popular feminist blogs, you'll find such defamation tactics as screaming "Mom humper!" aren't that unusual. A common response to criticism or dissent is to distort the person's words beyond recognition and attack the distortions as if they are the genuine article.

The only sane reaction is to withraw in disgust and bewilderment, in response to which the ever-so-intelligent Vagina Ninjas usually declare victory.

Keep-up the righteous snark!
-W_C

Dear W,
You misogynist worm, get your tiny-penised opinions off of our bodies! That’s it; we’re voting for McCain! You’ll be sorry, you ball-less pervert!

MASTER OF FUCKITS

I know this article's old news, but I just found it, so my vitriol is fresher than the attack of the killer tomatoes. It's about time someone had the balls to fucking say it. Fuck those assholes who were so fucking insecure about the length/girth of their cocks they needed to go halfway around the world to kill someone without fear of consequence. Ever notice that most people who say they love their country have yet to leave the fucking county they grew up in? Fuck them in the ass with a broken pipe and dump them in a dumpster where their sobs will be metallically amplified upward to the heavens so God can know the extent of their consternation and shame when they scream "Does this mean I'm gay?"

It's like, I want to feel bad for the amputees coming back, but I knew I wasn't joining the military when I was 14 and I read Johnny Got His Gun. At this point in history, with information, diaries and photos documenting the horrors of warfare readily available - not to mention mandatory teaching in every state in the US - Johnny Gets What He Fucking Deserves.

So anyway, fuck yeah. Fuck the troops.
-Mike

Dear Mike,
Yeah, that Metallica video was awesome. Dananananana! dananananana!

FOUNDING FUCKERS

I am writing this in response to the responses you received concerning your article “Fuck the Troops”.

I’ve noticed a bit of a theme here. I see two common responses (and often a combination of the two) 1) “I’ll kick your ass!” or “Say that to a Marine so he can kick your ass!” and 2) “Respect the troops, you bastard, they are the reason you are free to say that shit….”

The idea that anyone should unconditionally respect and support our troops (despite any disregard for basic ethics they may exhibit) based on the argument that they [our troops] are somehow responsible for my constitutional right to Free Speech is preposterous. What’s worse is to insinuate that I should forgo my constitutional right to Free Speech out of respect for those [our troops] who have supposedly granted me my constitutional right to Free Speech.

Where did I get my constitutional right to Free Speech, the mullet sporting armchair patriot might ask? Well, that would be from our Founding Fathers; the framers of the Constitution of the United States and its amendments; and the “troops” who fought the American Revolutionary War (sorry puffed up Marines of 2008, you missed that boat by miles, and by miles I mean more than 200 years).

The reality is that it is not Iraq who is threatening to revoke my constitutional rights, it’s my own government.

Exercising my right to say what I fucking want to granted me by our Founding Fathers, not some dill-hole trolling for free college tuition,
-Ann

Dear Ann,
You should try telling that to one of our brave soldiers! Then you’d get the murdering you deserve for exercising the rights they give you!

YAWN, ANOTHER DEATH THREAT
FUCK YOU very much. people like you would be better off with a bullet between your eyes. Or two in the back of the skull.
-James Schovanec

Dear James,
If only our brave heroes weren’t so busy in Iraq, we could have been brutally murdered by now!

ATYPICAL RESPONSE


I'd just like to add my two cents as a Gulf War veteran. I see a lot of vitriol being spewed your way and am guessing that most of it comes from civilians.


I have to disagree with the assessment of military members being "rubes", but to be honest I thought the same thing until I joined up in 1984. One of the best learning experiences I've had in life was discovering that I actually *wasn't* smarter than everyone else in the service; going through life thinking no one around you can hold a candle to your own superior intellect tends to erode your faith in humanity after awhile. I can't speak for anyone but the several dozen I met and worked closely with, but none of us were buying the hero bit being splattered around by the media when we joined up; it was irritating and insulting to the intelligence. With the exception of one weird chick from Texas, every single person I knew well in the military joined for the same reason I did: to get out of some shithole town or job, to travel, and to be able to afford a decent education at a good college instead of dicking around some lame community college campus in between shifts waiting tables. For all of us out there who weren't from wealth, it was a viable option. We took a calculated risk; when the Gulf war started heating up you could hear the bitching a mile away. None of us wanted to get into a war and kill people..we joined up for the sweet deal on education and the chance for world travel! Rubes? No; more like opportunists. When that gorge-riser of a song, "God bless the U.S.A." was played for us overseas, it was received in stunned silence. The general attitude was "Who is this redneck peckerwood trying to sell this song to--the Busch corporation? Who the fuck is stupid enough to swallow this dreck?" Well, we got our answer; civilians, apparently. As for us actually over there, don't patronize us, you arrogant horse's ass Lee Greenwood! And don't think we don't know you never served in the military, you dumb-hick-exploiting piece of dung! None of us were jaded, but we weren't stupid either..and I'll bet I'm not the only vet who cringes every time some government P.R. moron who never saw duty starts in with the patronizing patriotism rap. There might be a percentage of rubes serving in this war who swallowed that line--I hope not--but I'll bet most who enlisted originally did it to get the things they can't afford otherwise: health care for themselves and dependents, a steady paycheck, affordable college education and hands-on technical experience.
D. R.

Dear D.,
We thought it was about fighting lava monsters or something.

REJECT CENSORED

LOOOOOOOOOK UPPPPPPPPPPP stupid people of Buffalo!!Chemtrailing!!!!!spraying chemicals in our air!!!!I have proof!!!!!They are doing this all over the World.
This is the kissenger 1975 plan for depopulation.They are spreading MORGELLONS diesease and probably looking forward to a Bird flu epidemic.

Can you guys verify that there are no U.N.prison box cars?seen pictures doesnt look good.
Can you guys verify there are no F.E.M.A. prison camps?

What about the R.F.I.D. implant?
What about REX*84????
What about U.N. box cars parked in wyoming wilderness with chains on the floor and seating for many with, a guiluteen at the end of it.
these are some of the rumors just wondering with all your skills maybe you can stop playing retarded people at scam churches and look into this.

the chemtrailing is real I have extensive footage.

LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS,and hope that you will take this seriously and look into it.
I do not have the resources.

THANK YOU for telling the truth,and for opening eyes.
-QUEEN O SHEBA

Dear Queen,
Alex Jones has lots of good info on this stuff, if “good” means “paranoid and retarded at the same time.” Wait—we thought you had proof!

RECENT STROKE VICTIM

you guys rule!!! i'm in this wasteland known as syracuse and want out. the beast helps me get through 'orange fever' navigating carrier circle after 2 brewskies, and more snow than minnesota. hey, beast guys, i'm kinda funny, and think i can offer a unique take on america. as for 07's 50 list? awesome. except the one about the troops. give 'em a break. murphy-the retard article was BOSS! christ, i laughed so hard i thought i was gonna . . . oh man. i can't continue this mail-u-mentary. it . . hurts. bad. i regret doing it. do you, too, suffer from 'tears of a clown' syndrome? I DON'T! BEING SUPERIOR IS THE BEST!
sincerely,
sheriff john brunell (reality cop show jerk)

Dear Sheriff Bunell,
We’re glad we caught you. We find your combination of tough talk and swishy persona as mesmerizing as the low-budget police videos of car crashes you string together and call TV. However, we have a question regarding your recent commercial, endorsing the ID Watchdog identity theft protection service. In that commercial, you state: “Even if you’re doing all you can to protect against identity theft, it’s still not enough.” Again, “Even if you’re doing all you can... it’s still not enough.” Sheriff Bunell, it seems to us this comment is demoralizing and self-defeating fearmongering. Presumably, after all, “all we can” would include hiring ID Watchdog, would it not? We cannot give into this pessimistic attitude in the face of such grave threats, can we? What kind of American are you Bunell? Are you working with the terrorists? We challenge you, sir, to prove you are not a secret Muslim hellbent on waging psychological warfare against good, cop-fearing Americans. Don’t make Keith Olbermann whip out a special comment on your ass. He’ll do it, too, the ratings whore.

ATHEISTS ARE RETARDS TOO!

This Agnostic, Atheist Activiest says Ian Murphy is a perfect example of a mentally challanged low life who should have been aborted.

He is too lazy to get the facts about Iraq and too stupid to understand them if he did. Informed , intelligent and rational people know the facts PROVE the Iraq war is fully justifed and a necessary part of our war on terror.

Ian Murphy is a parisitic leach who lives in the freedom provided for him by the members of the US military so he can prove to the world how stupid he is every time he opens his stupid mouth.
-Neil C. Reinhardt

Dear Neil,
Facts. Fully justified. Informed. Right. Have you read a newspaper in the last five years, pinhead? Well, at least you’re not going to pray for us.


CONCERNED ADVERSARY

An absolutely splendid example of why diatribes such as this continue to further marginalize the arguments on your side of the aisle.

A masterpiece of non-sequiturs, strawmen, and general loony-tune logic. I congratulate you, for one of the most deranged rants I have ever seen in my many years on the Net.
-Marcus

Dear Marcus,
Hey, thanks! Don’t forget to blame it on Obama somehow!

TURNING TIDE OF OPINION

I'd like to take the time out to commend you on Ian Murphy's article re: the troops.

I've heard too many people I've gone to high school with brag about how many brown people they've killed, as if running in to someone from high school weren't bad enough right?

Some people I know who've been to Iraq have come back seriously mentally disturbed, but they sucked to begin with.

Anyway, thank you for finally putting into words what I've always felt about the military (at least in the past twenty years): that they recruit people who want to kill people and not get in trouble...explicitly.

Hope your baby-killing goes well today.
Sincerely,
Thomas Q. Methadone, DDS

PS - Why do so many military people read this magazine?

PPS - YOU ARE A COWARD AND NOT ME BECAUSE I'M CHALLENGING YOU VIA THE INTERNET MUCH LIKE YOU DID SO COWARDLY ORIGINALLY! ::Logic train goes sweeping by::

Dear Thomas,
Military members read The BEAST to remind them of what they’re fighting for—our right to piss all over them. Thanks, heroes!

NOT EXACTLY JANE FONDA

Well said Ian. An Iraq veteran returned from his third tour and is now porking my wife. He got her interested with a confession (that is to say, a boast) that he killed a bunch of innocent people and still has flashbacks. Fuck him, fuck them. Thank god for the Beast.
-Evilcor

Dear Evilcor,
This, even to us, is a fairly petty and self-centered reason to hate the troops. But it’ll do in a pinch.

SERGEANT SODOMY

Dear Beast,
I find the common tread in the letters of abuse that you have been receiving is that of some sort of repressed homosexuality. This guys seem to talk of nothing but asses, balls and long barreled guns. It's enough to drive a gay man wild (which I'm not of course....neither gay or wild).
Keep doing what your doing...
-Aidan

Dear Aidan,
What are you, queer?

LITERACY VOLUNTEER
Dear Crazy Mother Fuckers,
This shit should be in every Pre-K class classroom across the nation (including Indian reservations). Thank the god I don't believe in Zawisky brought this in the office.
Rock on
-Neil
PS the Sabers still totally blow.

Dear Neil,
Uh, say thanks to Zawisky for us, whoever the hell he is.

THIS IS GETTING WEIRD

Beast:
Your article “Fuck the Troops” was excellent. I have always wondered how anyone could go into battle and risk their life for 3 lying cowards (George, Dick, Don) who wouldn’t go into battle themselves, then call Kerry a decorated Vietnam veteran a coward.

I figured “the troops” fit into one of three categories:

1) I’ve always wanted to kill someone. “That felt great, can I get some more bullets?”

2) I need the money to support my family, or pay for college. “McDonalds, Burger King, the military?”

3) I am a sheep who doesn’t have a mind of my own. “George will say I am not a patriot if I don’t kill for him.”

Keep up the good work you sons a bitches.
-Harv

Dear Harv,
Er, tell a soldier that, so he can kill you! And so forth.



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