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HATE-FILLED
RANT
A couple of hours ago Tim Russert died of a heart attack and already outpourings
of sticky grief are soiling the internet.
All over supposedly liberal blogs there are not only the proper and justified
expressions of sympathy for his loved ones, but also apparent attempts
to deify him as a patron saint of journalism.
People are commenting about how they are in tears at his death, mourning
the passing of "the last true journalist."
A few choice quotes:
"I never believed the big, fat news stories, until I heard it from
The Reassert and only then, I knew it was true."
"You could always trust Tim to be fair and honest with who he was
interviewing. "
"A sad day for the Russert family and the world. He represented the
best of journalism and humanity."
"Tim was one of the few who recognized the grave error of many in
the media, who did not do a good job during the past two elections and
in selling America an illegal war. Tim was a man of great integrity who,
after reading the Scott McClellan book, was able to see the errors within
his profession and stated that the media had to do a better job this time."
These comments are from "progressives.'
Now, I know decorum requires that we wait a week or so before telling
the truth about the recently deceased, but that doesn't require that we
tell lies about him in the interim.
What about his role in the Plame affair?
What about his admission that he asks his cocktail party buddies in government
their permission before he reports what he's learned from his connections?
What about his leading role in turning "journalism" into mere
stenography?
The guy had a family who are in grief, they deserve our sympathy. He himself
deserves all the sympathy any other now non-existent person deserves for
having gone through one of the two most common human experiences.
But can we please not deify the guy? And if we have to, can we at least
also deify... I dunno, one of the thousands of people who have died today
who WEREN'T helping to destroy democracy... just to kinda balance things
out?
-Jafafa Hots
Dear Hots,
But...but...TIMMEH!
PULLING
OUT EARLY
Couldn't agree with Suck my Jong [Allison Kilkenny, issue 127]
more.
Unfortunately, if you look-around the most popular feminist blogs, you'll
find such defamation tactics as screaming "Mom humper!" aren't
that unusual. A common response to criticism or dissent is to distort
the person's words beyond recognition and attack the distortions as if
they are the genuine article.
The only sane reaction is to withraw in disgust and bewilderment, in response
to which the ever-so-intelligent Vagina Ninjas usually declare victory.
Keep-up the righteous snark!
-W_C
Dear W,
You misogynist worm, get your tiny-penised opinions off of our bodies!
That’s it; we’re voting for McCain! You’ll be sorry,
you ball-less pervert!
MASTER
OF FUCKITS
I know this article's old news, but I just found it, so my vitriol is
fresher than the attack of the killer tomatoes. It's about time someone
had the balls to fucking say it. Fuck those assholes who were so fucking
insecure about the length/girth of their cocks they needed to go halfway
around the world to kill someone without fear of consequence. Ever notice
that most people who say they love their country have yet to leave the
fucking county they grew up in? Fuck them in the ass with a broken pipe
and dump them in a dumpster where their sobs will be metallically amplified
upward to the heavens so God can know the extent of their consternation
and shame when they scream "Does this mean I'm gay?"
It's like, I want to feel bad for the amputees coming back, but I knew
I wasn't joining the military when I was 14 and I read Johnny Got His
Gun. At this point in history, with information, diaries and photos documenting
the horrors of warfare readily available - not to mention mandatory teaching
in every state in the US - Johnny Gets What He Fucking Deserves.
So anyway, fuck yeah. Fuck the troops.
-Mike
Dear Mike,
Yeah, that Metallica video was awesome.
Dananananana! dananananana!
FOUNDING
FUCKERS
I am writing this in response to the responses you received
concerning your article “Fuck the Troops”.
I’ve noticed a bit of a theme here. I see two common responses (and
often a combination of the two) 1) “I’ll kick your ass!”
or “Say that to a Marine so he can kick your ass!” and 2)
“Respect the troops, you bastard, they are the reason you are free
to say that shit….”
The idea that anyone should unconditionally respect and support our troops
(despite any disregard for basic ethics they may exhibit) based on the
argument that they [our troops] are somehow responsible for my constitutional
right to Free Speech is preposterous. What’s worse is to insinuate
that I should forgo my constitutional right to Free Speech out of respect
for those [our troops] who have supposedly granted me my constitutional
right to Free Speech.
Where did I get my constitutional right to Free Speech, the mullet sporting
armchair patriot might ask? Well, that would be from our Founding Fathers;
the framers of the Constitution of the United States and its amendments;
and the “troops” who fought the American Revolutionary War
(sorry puffed up Marines of 2008, you missed that boat by miles, and by
miles I mean more than 200 years).
The reality is that it is not Iraq who is threatening to revoke my constitutional
rights, it’s my own government.
Exercising my right to say what I fucking want to granted me by our Founding
Fathers, not some dill-hole trolling for free college tuition,
-Ann
Dear Ann,
You should try telling that to one of our brave soldiers! Then you’d
get the murdering you deserve for exercising the rights they give you!
YAWN,
ANOTHER DEATH THREAT
FUCK YOU very much. people like you would be better off with a bullet
between your eyes. Or two in the back of the skull.
-James Schovanec
Dear James,
If only our brave heroes weren’t so busy in Iraq, we could have
been brutally murdered by now!
ATYPICAL
RESPONSE
I'd just like to add my two cents as a Gulf War veteran. I see a lot of
vitriol being spewed your way and am guessing that most of it comes from
civilians.
I have to disagree with the assessment of military members being "rubes",
but to be honest I thought the same thing until I joined up in 1984. One
of the best learning experiences I've had in life was discovering that
I actually *wasn't* smarter than everyone else in the service; going through
life thinking no one around you can hold a candle to your own superior
intellect tends to erode your faith in humanity after awhile. I can't
speak for anyone but the several dozen I met and worked closely with,
but none of us were buying the hero bit being splattered around by the
media when we joined up; it was irritating and insulting to the intelligence.
With the exception of one weird chick from Texas, every single person
I knew well in the military joined for the same reason I did: to get out
of some shithole town or job, to travel, and to be able to afford a decent
education at a good college instead of dicking around some lame community
college campus in between shifts waiting tables. For all of us out there
who weren't from wealth, it was a viable option. We took a calculated
risk; when the Gulf war started heating up you could hear the bitching
a mile away. None of us wanted to get into a war and kill people..we joined
up for the sweet deal on education and the chance for world travel! Rubes?
No; more like opportunists. When that gorge-riser of a song, "God
bless the U.S.A." was played for us overseas, it was received in
stunned silence. The general attitude was "Who is this redneck peckerwood
trying to sell this song to--the Busch corporation? Who the fuck is stupid
enough to swallow this dreck?" Well, we got our answer; civilians,
apparently. As for us actually over there, don't patronize us, you arrogant
horse's ass Lee Greenwood! And don't think we don't know you never served
in the military, you dumb-hick-exploiting piece of dung! None of us were
jaded, but we weren't stupid either..and I'll bet I'm not the only vet
who cringes every time some government P.R. moron who never saw duty starts
in with the patronizing patriotism rap. There might be a percentage of
rubes serving in this war who swallowed that line--I hope not--but I'll
bet most who enlisted originally did it to get the things they can't afford
otherwise: health care for themselves and dependents, a steady paycheck,
affordable college education and hands-on technical experience.
D. R.
Dear D.,
We thought it was about fighting lava
monsters or something.
REJECT
CENSORED
LOOOOOOOOOK UPPPPPPPPPPP stupid people of Buffalo!!Chemtrailing!!!!!spraying
chemicals in our air!!!!I have proof!!!!!They are doing this all over
the World.
This is the kissenger 1975 plan for depopulation.They are spreading MORGELLONS
diesease and probably looking forward to a Bird flu epidemic.
Can you guys verify that there are no U.N.prison box cars?seen pictures
doesnt look good.
Can you guys verify there are no F.E.M.A. prison camps?
What about the R.F.I.D. implant?
What about REX*84????
What about U.N. box cars parked in wyoming wilderness with chains on the
floor and seating for many with, a guiluteen at the end of it.
these are some of the rumors just wondering with all your skills maybe
you can stop playing retarded people at scam churches and look into this.
the chemtrailing is real I have extensive footage.
LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU GUYS,and hope that you will take this seriously and
look into it.
I do not have the resources.
THANK YOU for telling the truth,and for opening eyes.
-QUEEN O SHEBA
Dear Queen,
Alex Jones has lots of good info on
this stuff, if “good” means “paranoid and retarded at
the same time.” Wait—we thought you had proof!
RECENT
STROKE VICTIM
you guys rule!!! i'm in this wasteland known as syracuse
and want out. the beast helps me get through 'orange fever' navigating
carrier circle after 2 brewskies, and more snow than minnesota. hey, beast
guys, i'm kinda funny, and think i can offer a unique take on america.
as for 07's 50 list? awesome. except the one about the troops. give 'em
a break. murphy-the retard article was BOSS! christ, i laughed so hard
i thought i was gonna . . . oh man. i can't continue this mail-u-mentary.
it . . hurts. bad. i regret doing it. do you, too, suffer from 'tears
of a clown' syndrome? I DON'T! BEING SUPERIOR IS THE BEST!
sincerely,
sheriff john brunell (reality cop show jerk)
Dear Sheriff Bunell,
We’re glad we caught you. We find your combination of tough talk
and swishy persona as mesmerizing as the low-budget police videos of car
crashes you string together and call TV. However, we have a question regarding
your recent commercial, endorsing the ID Watchdog identity theft protection
service. In that commercial, you state: “Even if you’re doing
all you can to protect against identity theft, it’s still not enough.”
Again, “Even if you’re doing all you can... it’s still
not enough.” Sheriff Bunell, it seems to us this comment is demoralizing
and self-defeating fearmongering. Presumably, after all, “all we
can” would include hiring ID Watchdog, would it not? We cannot give
into this pessimistic attitude in the face of such grave threats, can
we? What kind of American are you Bunell? Are you working with the terrorists?
We challenge you, sir, to prove you are not a secret Muslim hellbent on
waging psychological warfare against good, cop-fearing Americans. Don’t
make Keith Olbermann whip out a special comment on your ass. He’ll
do it, too, the ratings whore.
ATHEISTS
ARE RETARDS TOO!
This Agnostic, Atheist Activiest says Ian Murphy is a perfect example
of a mentally challanged low life who should have been aborted.
He is too lazy to get the facts about Iraq and too stupid to understand
them if he did. Informed , intelligent and rational people know the facts
PROVE the Iraq war is fully justifed and a necessary part of our war on
terror.
Ian Murphy is a parisitic leach who lives in the freedom provided for
him by the members of the US military so he can prove to the world how
stupid he is every time he opens his stupid mouth.
-Neil C. Reinhardt
Dear Neil,
Facts. Fully justified. Informed. Right. Have you read a newspaper
in the last five years, pinhead? Well, at least you’re not going
to pray for us.
CONCERNED ADVERSARY
An absolutely splendid example of why diatribes such as this continue
to further marginalize the arguments on your side of the aisle.
A masterpiece of non-sequiturs, strawmen, and general loony-tune logic.
I congratulate you, for one of the most deranged rants I have ever seen
in my many years on the Net.
-Marcus
Dear Marcus,
Hey, thanks! Don’t forget to blame it on Obama somehow!
TURNING
TIDE OF OPINION
I'd like to take the time out to commend you on Ian Murphy's
article re: the troops.
I've heard too many people I've gone to high school with brag about how
many brown people they've killed, as if running in to someone from high
school weren't bad enough right?
Some people I know who've been to Iraq have come back seriously mentally
disturbed, but they sucked to begin with.
Anyway, thank you for finally putting into words what I've always felt
about the military (at least in the past twenty years): that they recruit
people who want to kill people and not get in trouble...explicitly.
Hope your baby-killing goes well today.
Sincerely,
Thomas Q. Methadone, DDS
PS - Why do so many military people read this magazine?
PPS - YOU ARE A COWARD AND NOT ME BECAUSE I'M CHALLENGING YOU VIA THE
INTERNET MUCH LIKE YOU DID SO COWARDLY ORIGINALLY! ::Logic train goes
sweeping by::
Dear Thomas,
Military members read The BEAST to remind them of what they’re fighting
for—our right to piss all over them. Thanks, heroes!
NOT
EXACTLY JANE FONDA
Well said Ian. An Iraq veteran returned from his third tour and is now
porking my wife. He got her interested with a confession (that is to say,
a boast) that he killed a bunch of innocent people and still has flashbacks.
Fuck him, fuck them. Thank god for the Beast.
-Evilcor
Dear Evilcor,
This, even to us, is a fairly petty
and self-centered reason to hate the troops. But it’ll do in a pinch.
SERGEANT
SODOMY
Dear Beast,
I find the common tread in the letters of abuse that you have been receiving
is that of some sort of repressed homosexuality. This guys seem to talk
of nothing but asses, balls and long barreled guns. It's enough to drive
a gay man wild (which I'm not of course....neither gay or wild).
Keep doing what your doing...
-Aidan
Dear Aidan,
What are you, queer?
LITERACY
VOLUNTEER
Dear Crazy Mother Fuckers,
This shit should be in every Pre-K class classroom across the nation (including
Indian reservations). Thank the god I don't believe in Zawisky brought
this in the office.
Rock on
-Neil
PS the Sabers still totally blow.
Dear Neil,
Uh, say thanks to Zawisky for us, whoever the hell he is.
THIS
IS GETTING WEIRD
Beast:
Your article “Fuck the Troops” was excellent. I have always
wondered how anyone could go into battle and risk their life for 3 lying
cowards (George, Dick, Don) who wouldn’t go into battle themselves,
then call Kerry a decorated Vietnam veteran a coward.
I figured “the troops” fit into one of three categories:
1) I’ve always wanted to kill someone. “That felt great, can
I get some more bullets?”
2) I need the money to support my family, or pay for college. “McDonalds,
Burger King, the military?”
3) I am a sheep who doesn’t have a mind of my own. “George
will say I am not a patriot if I don’t kill for him.”
Keep up the good work you sons a bitches.
-Harv
Dear Harv,
Er, tell a soldier that, so he can
kill you! And so forth.
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