Beast Banner August 2008
ISSUE #129
Issue 122 Cover Small
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Features

ArrowA PROLEGEMONOUS EPISTLE FROM EUSTACE TILLEY
The New Yorker mascot on this Obama cover balderdash

ArrowTERROR ALERT!
The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.
Ian Murphy

ArrowTOP 10 IDIOCIES OF THE GENERAL ELECTION--SO FAR
It's a list--you like lists!
Allan Uthman

ArrowZIRINTERVIEW!
Sportswriter Dave Zirin stoops to our level

ArrowTHE ASSHOLE DISEASE
The 'Empathy Deficit Disorder' epidemic
Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowSPECIAL IRAN WAR PREVIEW!
The sequels just keep coming!
Paul Jones

ArrowCATASTROPHE IN CHIEF
The end of the American empire
Stan Goff

Arrow7 DIRTY WORDS YOU'D NEVER HEAR TODAY
Carlin was one cool [expletive deleted]
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Phony Autistic Baby

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

THE BEAST PAGE 5 PHONY AUTISTIC BABY

Name: Whiney McWhiners

Turn-ons: Laziness, slacking, faking serious diseases, Meryl Streep and Gerber’s strained manganese.

Turn-offs: Right-wing radio, Michael Savage, father-figures, tough parenting and contributing to society

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Phony Autistic Baby: Well, everything was going great—for a while. I’d fooled my stupid, sissy parents and pediatrician into thinking I had autism. It was awesome. I just sat around all day, zoning out on my fingertips, doing fuck-all, and that’s how I liked it. I could have coasted through my whole life like that. But no! Mike Savage had to go and ruin my scam. The jig’s up, and now I have to work for a living. I read that The BEAST needed a phony autistic baby, so there ya’ go.

Future Plans: I plan on finding a different disease to fake—something in the neighborhood of Down’s syndrome. Because, really, who has Down’s syndrome, anyway?

How I’d Like to be Remembered: Like Rainman, but cooler.



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